Phone Calls
by Rock'n'Slash
Summary: 8 yr. after BD. Just random hiliarious phone calls between Edward&Jacob, Bella&Nessie, and Emmett&Jasper. Included: u-arent-good-enough-4-my-daughter-ness, all-men-are-idiots-ness, & lets-reek-havic-on-the-poor-pathetic-humans-ness. Some lauguage.MWHAHA!
1. Jacob Calls Edward

I own nothing

_**I own nothing. It starts with Edward answering.**_

_Ring. Ring. Ring._

"Hello?"

"Whhhhhaaazzzzzz uuuuuup?"

"Great. You again."

"Yep. It's me. Your loving son-in-law."

"Uh. Don't remind me."

"I'm your son-in-law."

"Ahhh!!"

"Mwhahahahahahahahahaha!!"

"I'm hanging up now."

"No!! Don't hang up."

"Why not, mutt?"

"Because I said so."

"Uhhhh. Fine. What do you want to talk about?"

"Hmmmm… Let me think."

"Well, while you are thinking, I'm hanging up."

"No! Wait! I got it! Ya want to talk about how sexy our wives are?"

"Yes, Jacob, I would love to sit here and listen to you talk about my daughter."

"Really? That's kind of out of character for you."

"No, Not really."

"Ohhhh… I get it! That was sarcastic wasn't it?"

"No. That wasn't sarcastic at all."

"Really? I'm confused."

"Idiot."

"Oh."

_Awkward silence._

"Good bye."

"No!! Don't go!!"

"Jake, are you having problems?"

"… Maybe."

"Do I want to know what kind off problems?"

"Uhhhhhhh…"

"Is Nessie ticked off at you?"

"…Mmmmaaaayyyybbbbeeee…"

"Yes or no?"

"Well… It's kind of a long story."

"I take that as a yes."

"It wasn't my fault!! Embry did it!!"

"I have to know now."

"O.k. So when Nessie and the other bloodsucking girls were out shopping, Embry came over with a bunch of hookers and just _haddddd_ to come in the house…"

"I don't want to hear the rest."

"O.k."

_Another awkward silence._

"You're sleeping on the couch, aren't you?"

"Yeah."

"Bye."

"No!! Nessie locked me in a closet and I need someone to talk to!!"

"That's why you're bothering me?"

"Yep."

"Go rot in hell, mutt."

"See you there."

_Sounds like someone hanging up._

"Lonely, I am so lonely, I've got nobody to…"

"Shut up."

"Oh! Your still there!"

"No, I'm not."

"Really? Because I could have swore that I was talking to you."

"You don't do sarcasm very well."

"That wasn't sarcastic!!"

"I'm hanging up now."

_Hangs up._

"Wait, was that sarcastic, too?"


	2. Jasper & Emmett Calls Rosalie & Alice

_**I don't own anything. The italics are sounds from the other side of the phone or noises the phone makes.**_

_Ring. Ring._

"Hello?"

"Alice?"

"Where the bloody hell are you? It's 2 a.m."

"It's kind of a long story…"

"You and your long stories. Now tell me what happened truthfully and you won't be punished as long." _Give me the phone, Alice._ "No, you can't have the phone, Rosalie. HAY!!"

"Let me talk to Emmett. NOW!!"

"Fine. Emmett, Rosalie wants to talk to you."

"Rose?"

"YOU ARE SO DEAD!!"

"What did I do?"

"I don't know… Maybe the fact that you are sitting in jail…" _This is my phone!! MINE!!_

"Let me talk to Jasper again. Sorry Emmett, Rose is having phone-stealing problems."

_Yo, Jasper, Alice got the phone back_. "Hello?"

"O.K. Why are you in prison?"

"Public Nuisance."

"Ummmm-hummmm… Go on."

"At least we didn't kill them."

"At least you didn't kill them… Right, because it is so fun to kill humans."

"Yes, it is. Wait… Was that sarcastic?"

"Yes it was." _Alice, can I talk to the idiot now?_ "Jasper, Rosalie wants to talk to the idiot."

"Please don't hurt me."

"I won't hurt you."

"Really?"

"No, Emmett, I won't hurt you. I'll just SING HAPPILY WHILE I BEAT YOU WITH A CROWBAR!!"

"I'll look forward to it."

_Sigh_. "O.K. Public Nuisance?"

"Yeah."

"What were you doing to be a public nuisance?"

"Singing."

"Singing what?"

"Uhhhh…"

"Not that song. Please tell me you weren't singing _that_ song. Were you singing that song?"

"Mmmmaaaayyyybbbbeeee…"

"What were you wearing?"

"Uhhhhhh…"

"Not that. Please tell me you weren't wearing _that_. Were you wearing that?"

"No."

"Oh. My. God. Were you even wearing something?"

"…"

"You weren't wearing anything at all were you?"

"…"

"Answer me!!"

"…"

"I'm hanging up now."

"NO!! This is our only phone call!!"

"I am NOT picking you up."

"What?"

"You should have called Bella or Edward or something."

"I am not calling them at 2 a.m."

"Why not?"

"Rose, please."

"Well, you deserve it considering, you wearing sing the song, that I clearly told you not to sing anymore, in public. You can rot in the cell for all I care."

_Hangs up._


	3. Nessie Calls Bella

_**I do not own anything**_

_Ring. Ring._

"Hello?"

"Hi, Mom."

"Hay, sweetie! So, how's life?"

"Fine. I'm about to kill Jake, but other than that. How's death?"

"It's been good. Alice and I are trying to bail Dumb and Dumber out of jail."

"What did they do this time?"

"Public Nuisance."

"They still arrest people for that?"

"If you were a cop, you would arrest Emmett and Jasper if you had the chance."

"True. What were they doing?"

"Singing _the_ song."

"You mean the fu-"

"Don't say it!!"

"Fun song?"

"No!!"

"F is for friends who do stuff together, U is for you and me. N is for anywhere anytime at all down here in the deep blue sea."

"Yes, that song. But no, it was the _other_ song."

"Not 'every one makes mistakes, everyone has no cure' by Hannah Montana."

"Yes. I won't even tell you the worst part."

_Awkward Silence. _

"Ummm… Mom?"

"Yeah?"

"What jail are they at?"

"Why…"

"I'm going to throw Jake in the same cell as them."

"Man trouble?"

"Yeah."

"We'll put you on speaker, then. Alice, Rosalie and I are the only ones in the house."

"Uhhhh… O.K."

"Hi!! Let me tell you what I do when Jasper makes me mad…"

"Don't you want to know my problem first?"

"Yes… That would work."

"Well, I get home from the all day shopping-trip the four of us had, and guess who's there!! Embry, Quil, Sam, Seth and all the rest of the pack. The house was trashed, the stereo was on high, and every one was on a sugar high because there was candy wrappers all over the floor!! You do not want to see the pack on a sugar high. Not good."

"What did you do?"

"Well, I called Emily, Kim, and all their wives, and at the moment, Jake is spending the night in the closet."

"I say you get a crowbar, beat the crap out of him, then throw him back in the closet. That's what I did to Emmett."

"Emmett did this before?"

"And Jasper!!"

"What about Dad, Mom?"

"Your father has been around longer than dumb and dumber, and thus, smarter."

_Cough_

"What was that cough Alice?"

"Nothing, Bella."

"It was something."

"No it wasn't."

"Yes it was."

"No it wasn't."

"Hello, back to my problems!!"

"Sorry, sweetie. We will continue the conversation later, Alice."

"Whatever. Well, you could foresee what he is going to do, drop, non-subtle hints, like 'Hannah Monatanna is bad, Jasper, remember?' before he does it. Then, go with Rosalie's suggestion when he does it."

"O.k. then. I'm off to go bet Jacob."

"Have fun!"

_Hangs up_


	4. Jacob Calls Edward Again

I do not own anything

_**I do not own anything**_

_Ring. Ring._

"Hello?"

"Guess who!!"

"I don't want to."

"But you have to!!"

"Ummmm, I don't know… maybe Emmett?"

"I'm hurt Edward. You don't know who I am?"

"You really don't do sarcasm very well do you?"

"What's sarcasm?"

"You see my point."

"What point? You have a point? OMG!! You have a rhyme and reason!! WOW!!"

"You are so… so…"

"Immature?"

"No…"

"Aggravating?"

"No… not the right word."

"Loving?"

"WHAT?! NO!!" _sigh_ "Something else…"

"Aggravatingly immature?"

"That could work."

"OMG!!"

"What?"

"I just realized something!!"

"And that would be…"

"YOU HATE MY GUTS!!"

"…"

"WHY EDWARD!? I THOUGHT I WAS YOUR BEST FRIEND!!"

"I've ALWAYS hated your guts. I NEVER was your best friend. I have ALWAYS insulted you."

"Gee thanks. We were such good friends!!"

_Sigh_ "Ok. Let me get this through that big dumb wolfy skull of yours… "

"BIG DUMB WOLFY SKULL?!"

"Yeah…"

"That's it!! I'm not calling you anymore.!!"

"Really? You really mean it?"

"Yes, I do mean it!! Do not try to call me, either, I won't answer!!"

"YAY!!"

"Don't try to stop me!!"

"WOO-HOO!!"

"I mean it!!"

"I'm doing the Jacob's not going to call me any more dance!!"

"Good bye Bloodsucker!!"

"GOOD RIDDANCE!!"

"DON'T DO THIS TO ME!! DON'T MAKE ME NOT CALL YOU ANYMORE!! I NEED SOME ONE TO TALK TO!!"

"So… you're going to call me again?"

"Yes."

"Damn."

"Don't you like me?"

"No."

"Really?"

"Thanks for getting my hopes up, Jake."

"You are so very welcome."

"Go to hell."

"See you there!!"

_Hangs up._


	5. Jacob Calls Edward Yet Again

Again, I don't own anything

_**Again, I don't own anything**_

_Ring_

"What?"

"Hi buddy!!"

"You can call me back later just please, _please_, let me go."

"Why?"

"Uhhhhh why? Haha… You see… that is a very… uh… funny… story… which I would gladly tell you later."

"Why do you want to go so bad today? Usually you just hang up."

"And you call me back."

"So?"

"If I hang up, will you _please_ not call back within the next three, four hours."

"Ummmm… am I interrupting something?"

"Yes."

"Like what?"

"…"

"Like what?"

"…"

"Like _what_?"

"…"

"Do I want to know?"

"…" _Edward put up the phone already. You shouldn't have answered it in the first place._

"Was that Bella?"

"Yes."

"I'll just go find Nessie now…"

"You do that Jacob Black."

_Hangs up_


	6. Jacob & Nessie Call Edward & Bella

Ok

_**Ok. I hate repeating myself. I own zippo, nada, nothing, zilch, nil, NOTHING!! Diddily-squat!! That's Abby language for NOTHING!! If there is a name in italics in front of a saying, that is the person who is talking. **_

_Ring, Ring _

"Hello?"

"I'm not interrupting something again, am I?"

"Hahaha. No. Wish I could have seen your face."

"Well you didn't so HA!!"

"Damn… Hold on, I'm getting another call. Hello?"

"Hi Dad!!"

"Hi Nessie."

"I have a question…"

"Ok. Shoot."

"Why was Jake running around the house last night screaming 'BAD MENTAL PICTURES!!'"

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!!"

"Dad… I would really like to know…"

"Well, dog-boy is on the phone, on call waiting so…"

"His name is Jake, Dad. JAKE!! Not dog-boy."

"Whatever, I'll put you on the line with him."

_Jake _"Lonely, I am so lonely, I've got no body to annoy!!"

"Jake!! What did I tell you about that song!?"

"That I'm not allowed to sing it."

_Edward_ "Why aren't you allowed to sing that song?"

"Apparently, I can't sing worth a flip."

"Hahahahaha!!"

_Bella _"Edward, what are you laughing so hard about?"

_Nessie_ "Mom?"

"Hi!!"

"The locking him in the closet thing didn't work. I didn't realize that was where he hid his chocolate. He got on a sugar high."

_Jake_ "It was fun!!"

_Edward _"HAHAHAHAHA!!"

_Bella _"Why were you laughing so hard earlier?"

"I was just thinking of Jake's reaction when he called us last night."

"You mean when…"

"Yes."

"Ah."

_Jake _"I ran around screaming 'Bad mental pictures!!"

_Bella _"HAHAHAHAHA!!"

_Edward _"HAHAHAHAHA!!"

_Nessie _"It was annoying. What was he screaming about?"

_Bella _"Uhhhh…"

_Edward _"Bye."

_Bella _"Yeah bye."

_Two people hang up. _

_Nessie._ "OMG."

_Jake._ "Yeah."

"Freaky."

"You bet cha."

"Ewe"

"Yep."

"Weird."

"Extremely."

"I'm on my way home."

"RRReeeaaallllllyyy."

"Uh-huh."

"Hmmmmm… You know, I'm kind of bored at the moment."

"I'm pulling in the driveway."

"Bye."

_Giggles._

_Hangs up_


	7. Jacob Calls Bella

I own nothing, except the banana I'm eating

_**I own nothing, except the banana I'm eating**_

_Ring. Ring. _

"Hello?"

"What's up, Bells?"

"The sky, Jake."

"Yep, I'm pretty sure that's up."

"HA!"

"So watcha doin?"

"Alice and I are still trying to bail Dumb and Dumber out of jail. We haven't found a loop-hole anywhere!!"

"Sure."

"So, watcha doing?"

"Well, Nessie has picked up this book she is obsessed with she won't put it down!! It's so annoying."

"Really? What's it called?"

"Twilight or something like that."

"Twilight?"

"Yeah."

"Damn."

"What? Why?"

"How did she get that book?"

"Uhhh, I gave it to her."

"Hold on one second, Jake." _Edward!! I'm going to go torture Jake to death!! You want to come?_

_Yes!! Why are we torturing him to death?_

_He gave Nessie Twilight._

_WHAT?!_

_YEP._

_Tell him to go rot in Hell._

"Edward says to rot in hell."

"Tell him I say to see him there."

_Jake says he will see you there._

_Tell him he'll be there before WWWAAAYYY before me._

"Edward says you'll be there WWWAAAYYY before him."

"Tell him that I'll wait for him."

_Jake says that he'll wait for you._

_Tell him not to bother._

"Edward says don't bother."

"Tell him…"

"No I won't tell him anymore. If you want to talk to him, call him later."

Alice: _Can I come?_

Rosalie: _To where? Hell? I've heard it's not so pleasant there._

_No, silly. To torture Jake to death, of course!!"_

_Count me in!!_

Carlisle: _It's not really moral to torture people to death._

Esme: _It's ok. We won't kill him. He heals fast. We'll only almost kill him_.

_Ok. That makes perfect sense!! _

"Nice to know I'm so loved."

_Bella _"WOA!! Jake just said something sarcastic!!"

Alice: _OMG!!_

Edward: _Wow._

"What's so bad about Twilight anyway?"

"…"

Edward: …

Alice: …

Rosalie: …

Carlisle: …

Esme: …

"Wait… is that that book about … OMG!!"

"Yep."

"You know what?"

"What?"

"I deserve to be tortured."

"Hold on, Edward wants to talk to you."

"REALLY? He wants to talk to ME!? WOW!!"

"Go rot in hell, dog."

"Again I say, See you there!!"

_Hangs up._


	8. Edward Calls Bella

_**I own nothing**_

_Ring. Ring._

"Hello?"

"Hello, love. Where are you?"

"Well, I am about to bust Jasper and Emmett out of jail."

"Why?"

"Because Alice and Rosalie have forgiven them enough."

"But, aren't they just going to beat them anyway?"

"Yeah."

"So, why are you going to bust them out?"

"Because, I take pleasure in making Jasper's, Emmett's and Jake's lives miserable."

"Why?"

"Edward, don't hide it. You know how funny it is when Emmett does something stupid and Rosalie takes her anger out on him."

"That _is_ rather enjoyable."

"Well, I'm here. Hold on one second."

"This is me holding."

Bella: _Emmett Cullen and Jasper Hale_.

Freaky jail person: _The public nuisances?_

_Yep that would be them._

_You are you one them's wife?_

_What?! HELL NO!! I have the lovely happy task of delivering them to their wives. I'm their sister._

_500 bail each._

_Ok then, here you go. _"You still there?"

"Yes. This conversation is rather funny. Please continue. I really like the hell no part. It was a nice touch."

"Thank you." _Hello, idiots_.

Emmett: _Bells!! Thank Carlisle!! We thought it was Alice or Rosalie!!_

Jasper: _We knew that either you or Jake was going to bail us out!!_

_Freedom!! Oh sweet freedom!!_

Bella: _So, what have we learned?_

Emmett: _Hannah Montana is the spawn of Satan?_

Jasper_: Everyone makes mistakes?_

_Spongebob is the spawn of Satan?_

_The fun song isn't really fun?_

Bella: _Nope. Even better_.

Jasper: _And that would be…_

Bella: _Never trust me._

Emmett: _Why not?_

Bella: _Because I'm delivering you two to Alice and Rosalie_.

Emmett: _AHHHH!!_

Jasper: _AHHHH!!_

"You can stop holding now."

"That was funny. Do me a favor and tell them that they are idiots."

"Edward says you're idiots."

"OMG."

"What?"

"Guess who is being dragged into jail?"

"Ummm…"

"Jake, Embry and Quil."

"I'll hold… again."

Bella: _What were you three doing?_

Jake: _We're just on a sugar high!!_

Embry: _Yeah but these people think it's crack_.

Quil: _I didn't get into Seth's stash!! I swear!!_

Jake: _Man, Nessie's going to kill me._

Quil_: Look on the bright side… at least she isn't ten!! I'm going to be thrown in a closet by a TEN year-old._

Embry_: I_ _have to deal with Lizzie. We've only been married for six months!! If you see my grave, morn for me, please!!_

Bella: _How many people am I going to have to bail out today?_

Freaky jailer dude: _You know these people, too?_

_Yeah_

_I'll jive them to you for free. I hate these guys!!_

"Wow. Jake is on a sugar and is in jail for it. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! I am SO taking pictures when Nessie beats HIM!! I'll go tell her now."

_Hangs up_/


	9. Guess Who Calls Edward

_**Sorry!! I've had a stomach virus and haven't really been able to sit up. I HAVE, however, written two new chapters and will release one every day.**_

_**I own nothing. I got some of these from other fan fictions. **_

_Ring. Ring_

"Hello?"

"Hi Edward. I have a question."

"What?"

"Can I use your piano in an experiment to test gravity?"

"No."

_Crashing piano noise._ "Opps. Too late."

"I'm going to kill you. Let me get my car keys. Be there in a minute."

"Sure. Take your time."

_Plastics hitting against each other_. "You replaced my car keys with BABY KEYS?!"

"Yep."

"That's an extra hour I'll torture you."

"That's fine. I've kidnapped Bella and holding your Volvo as ransom."

"Bella's right beside me idiot. That just cost you more torture."

"O.K. then. Oh! Don't forget your wallet."

"Uhhhh… okay… Jake, why did you cut out Bella's face and put Tanya's there in the family portrait?"

"I was bored."

"Right. There is another hour of suffering for you."

"I have more fangirls than you."

"What? That makes no sense!! What fangirls?"

"TEAM JACOB RULEZ!!"

"I still got Bella."

"Yeah, but I still won."

"Why?"

"Because, I'm sleeping with your daughter. Think about that."

"I don't want to."

"See? I WON!!"

"Whatever."

"I'm putting mountain lions on the endangered species list, along with the giant wolf."

"Two more hours."

"Yeah, yeah."

"HOLY CRAP!? WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY CAR!?"

"I wrote 'Werewolves rock' all over it in red sharpie."

"Another day of torture."

"Guess what I just did!!"

"Do I want to know?"

"The pack and I had this party in this meadow, and we got on a major sugar high. Someone brought sparklers and it burst into flames!!"

"Please be a different meadow. PPPLLLEEEAAASSSEEE be a different meadow."

"Edward… I am your father." _Darth Vader noises._

"That doesn't even deserve a comment."

"Did you know Nessie was just voted president of the La Push cliff diving society?"

"Two days."

"Blondie has OECD"

"What?"

"Obessive Edward Cullen disorder."

"Freak."

"I know how to make you human again!!"

"How?"

"Through the POWER OF FRIENDSHIP!!"

"Three days."

"I just ordered a life supply of pickles."

"Uhhh… great."

"FOR YOU!!"

"A week."

"Did you know after ten years that Mike is still stalking you?"

"I'm hanging up now." _Special delivery for Edward Cullen._

_Edward: What?_

_Mail dude: I have a lifetime supply of pickles for a Mr. Edward Cullen._

"YOU WEREN'T LYING?"

"No."

"Go rot in hell."

"See you there."

_Hangs up._


	10. Nessie Calls Bella, Again

Ok

_**Ok. Just to let you know. There was confusion in the last chapter. I am SOOOOOO team Edward. NOT team Jacob. Jake just loves Jacob. I no like Jacob. I still don't own anything.**_

_Ring. Ring_.

"Hello?"

"Mom?"

"Hello, sweetheart. How's your day?"

"Uh? What? Oh, fine. Hmmm… have you seen Jake?"

"No. He hasn't graced me with his presence or one of his annoying phone calls."

_Sigh._ "Great. Just great."

"What's wrong?"

"I haven't seen him for eight hours. I haven't heard from him either."

"Really? Have you checked the pack?"

"Yeah. He's not there either."

"Is he answering his phone?"

"No. Mom, I'm so worried. If he's alive, I'm going to kill him."

"Eight hours?"

"Yeah."

"Crap."

"What?"

"Your father was yelling in the phone exactly eight hours ago."

"You don't think…"

"I don't want to think."

"Would Dad really do that?"

"I hope not. I don't think he would."

"He better not."

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"

"What?"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"

"I don't see what's so funny."

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"

"Mom!! Jake is missing and you LAUGHING?!"

"HAHAHAHAHA!! Ok, so I just drove into the driveway."

"Okkkkaaayyy."

"Guess who is there!?"

"Jake!!"

"Thank Carlisle!! So what are you laughing at?"

"Your Dad is there, too."

"…"

"Would you like to here them?"

"Yes."

_Edward: SCRUB!!_

_Jake: Whatever. Do you have to yell?_

_YES!! NOW SCRUB!!_

_Fine!! Stupid vampire._

_STUPID VAMPIRE!? I'M A __STUPID VAMPIRE__?! __YOU ARE AN IDIOT WEREWOLF WHO WROTE ALL OVER __MY__ CAR!! NOW SCRUB!!_

_Fine. Can you please put the gun down?_

_NO!! I SAID SCRUB DAMMIT!!_

"Wow. So that's were he's been?"

"I guess so."

"Tell Dad to put the gun down."

"No. I'm video taping this."

_Alice: MY PORSCHE!! MY BABY!! IT'S OK!! DON'T CRY!! WE WILL FIX THAT STUPID, IDIOTIC, BABBLING, FOOLISH WEREWOLF WHO WROTE ALL OVER YOU!! YOU ARE SO DEAD JACOB BLACK!!_

"Mom!! Don't let them kill him!! Please!!"

"Fine. I'll save him. Then you take him home and ground him, is that understood?"

"Yes, Ma'm."

"Good."

"Bye. Thanks!!"

_Hangs up._


	11. Edward Calls Bella, Again

I own nothing

_**I own nothing **_

_Ring Ring_

"Hello?"

"Hello, love. Where are you?"

"Uhhh.. Why?"

"Because…."

"Because why?"

"Uhhhh…"

"That's Edward language for: Bella hurry up and get home. I'm bored. I don't want to be bored anymore. I know you don't want me to be bored anymore either."

"Yeah, that's about it."

"Is that screaming in the back ground?"

"Alice and Rosalie are fighting."

Alice: _You bitch!! Where is it!! I know you have it!!_

Rosalie: _I do NOT have your shoes!!_

_That is bull!!_

"Now Rosalie just attacked Alice."

"Wow."

"And now Alice just grabbed Rosalie's shirt. It ripped in two. Which brings Emmett and Jasper running down the stairs…"

Emmett: _Pull her hair!!_

Jasper: _Come on Rose!! Tear her shirt off for me!! Pleaseeeeeee!!_

Alice: _Who's side are you on anyway?_

"And there goes Alice's shirt. I'm walking away now."

"Ahhhh… So you want me home as soon as possible."

"Mmmmaaayyyybbbeeee."

"I'm hurrying."

"Good."

_Hiss_

_Roar_

Jasper: _To the left!!_

Emmett: _Punch her in the eye!!_

"I would NOT want to be in the middle of that."

"Yikes."

"No shit."

"What are they fighting over anyway?"

"Some pair of shoes."

Alice: _I know you have them!! The silver ones with the blue ribbons!!_

Rosalie: _I don't have them anymore!!_

"Silver?"

"That's what she said."

"Blue ribbons?"

"Yeah."

"Crap."

"What?"

"I have them."

"Really?"

"They are on my feet right now."

"Hmmmm… ALICE!!"

"Edward Mason Cullen, don't you dare."

Alice: _What?_

"If you tell her…"

"I know who has your shoes."

"NO HE DOESN'T!!"

Alice: _Was that Bella yelling NO HE DOESN'T?_

Edward: _Yes._

Rosalie: _I told you I didn't have your shoes!!_

Alice: _I am now officially taking Bella hostage!!_

Edward: _No you aren't_

_Yes I am._

_NO YOU AREN'T._

…

…

_10,000 ransom!!_

_10_

"I'm only worth ten dollars?! You can do better than that!!"

"Fine 100."

"Much better."

_I'll take it!!_

"I'm in the driveway…"

_Bye people._

_Bye Edward!!_

_Hangs up._


	12. Jacob Calls Jasper

I own nothing

_**I own nothing. The Russian there is just random letters typed in.**_

_Ring Ring._

"Hello?"

"HI EDWARD!!"

"I'm Jasper."

"That bastard. He told me this was his new number!!"

"Well, obviously, it isn't."

"I'll just call Bella and ask her what it is."

"You can't take a hint can you, Jake?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, Edward kind of hates you."

"Really?"

"Yes, really."

"Wait, is that that sarcasm junk? If it is, I would like to know."

"Yep."

"Oh."

Emmett: _I'm bored!!_

"I agree, I'm bored, too."

"How did you hear that?"

"Werewolves have good ears, too, ya know."

"Whatever."

Emmett: _I'm really bored!!_

"I feel the strange need to wreak havoc."

Emmett_: I'm with dog-boy. I WANT TO WREAK HAVOC!!_

_Jasper_ "I do, too."

"What should we do?"

Emmett: _I feel the strange need to watch something explode._

"I concur!!"

"Shut up, mutt."

"NEVER!! Do you like waffles?"

"What?"

Emmett: _Yes I like waffles_.

"Do you like pancakes?"

"I'm confused."

Emmett: _Yes I like pancakes._

"Do you like French toast?"

"I'm ignoring you."

Emmett: _Yes I like French toast._

"Can't just wait to get a mouth full of…"

Emmett: _WAFFLES!!_

"I don't think Jasper watches youtube."

Emmett_: I don't think so either. But, he and Alice don't get bored to often._

_Jake_ "What do you mean?"

"I'm giving the phone to Emmett now, considering I'm not really in the conversation."

_Emmett_ "I have the phone now!! MWHAHAHAHAHA!!"

"So, what do you mean?"

"Well, Alice isn't bored, and Jasper isn't bored. Put two and two together."

"Two and two. Hmmm… Is that six? No, wait. I'm pretty sure it's seven."

"Idiot."

"Yeah. Do you know the song that gets on everybody's nerves?"

"Yes."

"Sing it in your head every time Edward walks by. He starts cussing in Russian."

"Really? AWESOME!!"

Edward: _Rлупость отрицательная форма саn хороший _**_оборотень!!_**

**"Told you."**

**Edward: ****_Are you talking to Jake?_**

**"Yeah."**

**Edward: ****_Tell him to go to hell._**

**"Go to hell, Jake."**

**"See you there, Edward!!"**

**_Hangs up._**


	13. Edward Calls Jacob

What's up people

_**What's up people? I have good news and bad news. I'll give you the bad news first. I was riding at full gallope on a horse yesterday, and I ran into a fence! This leads to five hours in a hospital and fifty stitches in my knee cap. Note to self: Smart people don't run into fences. But, then again, I never said, or wrote, that I was smart. :) **_

_**The good news!! I can't walk for a while, sooooooo I can't really go to school for the next few days. Which means, I HAVE TIME TO WRITE FANFICTONS!! MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! That's right peoples!! I can get several chapters written today. I'll post one every day!! Never again will you feel STFFSS (Stupid Twilight Fan Fiction Separation Syndrome) again!! MWHAHAHAHA!!**_

_Ring Ring_

_Yawn._ "Hello?"

"Hello, mutt."

"Edward?" _Yawn_. "Do have any idea what time it is?"

"According to my watch, it's exactly four thirty-seven a.m. Eastern Standard Time."

"Edward, we live on the Pacific Coast."

"Which makes it one thirty-seven here."

"Go away."

"Nope. You see how annoying it is to be called?"

_Snore._

"Hello? Fine." _Emmett, hand me the bull horn._

Jasper:_ I want to push it!!_

Emmett: _I have the bull horn!! Let me push it!!_

Edward: _It was my Idea._

Jasper: _Who died and made you king of the world?_

Emmett: _Yeah, seriously. _

Edward: _Give me that. Idiot._

_STUPID IDIOT WEREWOLF. YOU WILL WAKE UP NOW OR SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES_

"BLOODY EFFIN HELL EDWARD!! I WAS KIND OF SLEEPING!!"

"You are awake now."

"NO!! REALLY? I NEVER EFFIN NOTICED!!"

"Yeah. I think you're awake."

"ARE YOU…"

Nessie: _Jake, what the hell was that?_

Jake: _That would be a bull horn._

Nessie: _Who turned it on?_

Jake: _Edward. Through the telephone._

Nessie: _DAD WOKE US UP AT ONE AM!?_

Jake: _Yep._

Nessie:_ I'm calling Mom._

"Don't do it, Renesmee."

Emmett: _Edward's in trouble._

Jasper: _HAHAHA!!_

"I'm calling Alice and Rose, too."

Emmett: _You don't have to do that._

Jasper:_ Yeah, it's ok. This can go unnoticed._

Alice: _What can go unnoticed, sweetheart?_

Rosalie: _Yeah, Emmett, Nessie doesn't have to do what?_

Bella: _Edward, why do have a bull horn?_

Edward: _Uhhhhhhhhh…_

"THIS IDIOT CALLED US AT ONE THIRTY IN THE MORNING!!"

Bella: _Oh, you finally got your revenge then?_

Edward: _Yep._

Nessie:_ MOM!!_

Alice: _Go back to sleep_

"Thank you."

_Hangs up_.


	14. Jacob tries to Prank Call the Cullens

I own nothing

_**I own nothing. You have to understand the prequel to the call to understand it. I don't mean offence to anyone. Please, don't take it that way.**_

Prequel:

Alice:_ O.k. so Jake is going to prank call us._

Bella: _Why?_

Alice: _Because of what the idiots did last night. We have to make him suffer_

Jasper: _How?_

Edward: _That is brilliant Emmett._

Emmett: _Really? Thanks. Now, every one needs to show me their best weird accents_…

Call:

_Ring. Ring._

_Jasper (really southern accent)_ "Hello?"

"Hello, when would you like your mustard?"

Emmett (really small boy southern accent) _"PA!! The damn gator got in the house again!!"_

_Jasper_ "Hold on one second, boy. I gots to take care of a gator." _Charline!! Get the gun!! You watch your mouth, boy!!_

Emmett (still in accent)_ Sure as hell will Pa!!_

Rosalie (very weird southern belle accent) _Here's the gun_. _Give me the phone, I'll talk to him._ "Hello? Sir?"

"I'm sorry, I must have the wrong number."

"Well, al' right. Bye, now. Call back, ya' hear?"

"Sure. Whatever."

_Hangs up._

OoOoO

Rosalie "HE SO FELL FOR IT!!"

Emmett "LET'S DO THAT AGAIN!!"


	15. Jacob tries to Prank Call the Cullens 2

I own nothing

_**I own nothing. Again I say, I mean no offence to anyone. Please don't take it that way.**_

Prequel:

_Alice_ Come one Carlisle!! PPLLLEEEAAASSSEEE!!

_Carlisle _No

_Emmett_ Come on Carlisle!! Help us torture the mutt!!

_Carlisle_ I said no.

_Bella_ But you're the only one with a true English accent!! Please!!

_Carlisle_ There is no way.

_Edward_ Fine you give us no choice.

_Carlisle_ No, please don't.

_Edward_ Esme.

_Esme_ _Puppy dog eyes_

_Carlisle_ No.

_Esme_ _puppy dog eyes and frown_

_Carlisle_ Well… Maybe… No

_Esme_ _puppy dog eyes and frown _Pleeeaaaasssseee. For me Carlisle?

_Carlisle_ Fine.

_Esme_ YAY!!

Call:

_Ring. Ring_

_Carlisle (In a thinker English accent than usual)_ " 'Ello?"

"When would you like your French fries delivered?"

"Wot? Chum, I certainly didn't order any, what do you Americans call it, French fries? Well, yes, I certainly didn't order any chips."

Bella (In accent, also) _Who is that?_

Carlisle _Not to worry, my dear, just some crazy American calling again._

Edward (Accent) _Tell him to go to hell._

Bella_ Wot? No!! That's just rude._

"I'm sorry. I have the wrong number. It's that other English dude. Sorry."

_Hangs up._

Epilogue:

_Alice_ Shall we laugh evilly now, Bella?

_Bella _Yes we shall

_Alice_ MWHAHAHAHA!!

_Bella _MWHAHAHAHA!!

_Rosalie_ MWHAHAHAHA!!

_Esme_ MWHAHAHAHAHA!!

_Emmett_ MWHAHAHAHAHA!!

_Alice_ Emmett isn't allowed to laugh evilly anymore.

_Bella_ He doesn't do it right.

_Rosalie_ I concur.

_Esme_ You REALLY don't do it right.


	16. Jacob tries to Prank Call the Cullens 3

I own nothing and mean offence to no one

_**I own nothing and mean offence to no one. Please don't take it that way!! DON'T COME AFTER ME WITH SAMURI SWORDS!!**_

Prequel:

_Edward_ Haha. Very funny.

_Emmett_ I'm serious!! You and Jazzy should do it.

_Jasper_ Do what? Emmett, you should say the things aloud.

_Edward_ No.

_Emmett_ Come one Edward!! Do it!! That voice is hilarious!!

_Edward_ There is no way on this Earth I am doing it.

_Jasper_ Is it those voices? Not those voices!! I'm not doing it. Final.

_Alice_ Quick!! Every one feel all guilty to make Jasper do it!!

_Jasper_ Traitor. Well… NO!! I MUST RESIST!! Feel… so… guilty… must… give… in…

_Alice_ I knew you would see it our way, Sweetheart!!

_Edward_ I'm still not doing it.

_Bella_ Ppplllleeeeaaaassssseeee? For meeeeee?

_Edward_ That doesn't work, Bella. You know that.

_Bella_ Fine. I know something that does. I didn't want to do it. Plan B. _moves shield so he can read her mind and no one else's_

_Edward_ You wouldn't

_Bella_ Try me

_Edward_ Fine.

_Bella_ YAY!!

Call

_Ring, Ring_.

_Edward (valley girl accent)_ "HI!!"

"Yes when would you like your mustard delivered."

_Edward_ "Like, mustard? Like, mustard, mustard? I didn't order any mustard. Like OMG!! I, like, ordered mustard and didn't even know about it!! Woooooowwww."

Jasper_ Like, who are you talking to?_

Edward_ I, like, ordered mustard and didn't even no about it._

Jasper_ Like OMG!! I LOVE mustard!! Mustard, mustard, mustard!!_

Edward_ I know, right!! Mustard!!_

Jasper_ Like, OMG!! I think I'm, like, having a heart attack from all this, like, mustard!!_

Edward_ Love, you aren't, like, allowed to have a heart attack._

Jasper_ I know, right?_

"Uhhh… sorry, I have the wrong… ummm… number."

"So you, like, don't have the mustard?"

Jasper_ What? I, like, want my mustard._

"I know, right? You should, like, go to hell, bastard. So much for the power of mustard."

"Uhhhh… bye."

_Hangs up_

OoOoOoO

_Emmett _HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

_Edward_ Shut the hell up.

_Jasper_ Or will kill you.

_Emmett _Ok, I'll, like shut the hell up. OMG!! Please don't, like, kill me

_Edward and Jasper go after Emmett with death on the mind._

_Bella _Plan B, Edward.

_Edward_ What? Oh, come on!! Please let me kill him!!

_Bella_ Edward… Plan B.

_Edward_ I hate plan B

_Bella_ I love Plan B!!

_Edward_ Shut up.

_Bella_ Plan B.

_Edward_ Damn.

_Jasper_ What, may I ask, is plan B?

_Edward_ Alice calls it lockdown.

_Jasper_ I concur, plan B is the spawn of Satan.


	17. Jacob Calls Nessie

I own nothing, except the Jacob and Cullen pranks

_**I own nothing, except the Jacob and Cullen pranks.**_

_Ring, Ring_

"Hello?"

"Hi Nessie."

"What's up?'

"I'm going crazy."

"Jake, there isn't much going for you."

"Shut up."

"Hehe."

"I meant, I'm going even more crazy than I am now."

"Really, why's that?"

"I'm trying to prank call the Cullens…"

"Why?"

"Because of what they did the other night."

"Ah. Continue."

"And I keep getting the wrong number."

"Really?"

"Yeah. It's strange."

"Well, who did you get?"

"The first call I got this southern dude after a gator."

_Stops herself from laughin_g "Ok."

"The next one was some tight-butt English dude who had a daughter or something that sounded a lot like Bella."

_Tries hard to stop herself from laughing._ "Right."

"The next one was two gay people obsessed with mustard. You have no idea on how disturbing it was."

"I… ummm… bet it was… disturbing."

"Yeah. So, I'm giving up. No more prank calling for Jake."

"NO!! DON'T DO THAT!!"

"Why not?"

"Do you know what type of talents they all have?"

"Yeah… Bella has this sheildly thingy, Edward can…"

"No, that's not what I mean."

"What do you mean then?"

"Do you know what my parents do to prank callers?"

"No. What?"

"They turn the tables to make it awkward for the caller. Jasper can have this really think southern accent from when he lived in Texas over one hundred and fifty years ago. Carlisle can have a think English accent. Everyone else can throw any random accent out there. Jake, they turned the tables on you."

"They did _what_?"

"Yeah."

"This means WAR!!"

"What type of war?"

"A prank war of course!! Let me go tell the pack!!"

"No!! I'll be stuck in the middle!!"

"You, my dear, are now the official ambassador."

"What? I… no… I don't want…"

_Hangs up._

"Great."


	18. Alice Calls Edward

I own nothing

_**I own nothing**_

_Ring, Ring._

"Hello?"

"EDWARD!!"

"Alice, are you high?"

"Haha very funny."

"Seriously, are you high?"

"No!! Why would I…"

"Alice."

"Maybe."

"Is that a freaky high where you drive everyone to the edge of sanity, or the high that Jasper loves?"

"The high that drives everyone to edge of sanity, definetly."

"Fun."

"I KNOW!! Guess what I did last night?"

"What…"

"I put a camera in the place where the pack hangs out!! Embry and Quil are fighting over a cookie!! It's hilarious!!"

"Ummm… yay?"

"Edward, you don't say 'yay' right. It's 'YAY!!' not 'yay'. Do you see the difference?"

"Go bother Jake or something."

"NO!! I'M BOTHERING YOU!! IT'S FUN!!"

"I'LL KILL THAT BASTARD!! YOU SON OF A BITCH!!"

"I'm not that bad, Edward."

"NO!! NOT YOU ALICE!! THAT GOOD FOR NOTHING WEREWOLF!!"

_Emmett_ Edward? Is that…

_Edward_ IF YOU SAY WHAT YOU ARE THINKING I'LL KICK YOUR ASS!!"

_Bella_ Edward what… huh… I'm confused.

"What happened!? I MUST KNOW!!"

_Jake_ NO ONE PRANKS JAKE AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!! NO ONE!! MWHAHAHAHAHA!!

_Edward_ I won't kill you, YET. May I ask what you dropped on my head?

_Jake_ Water balloons filled with maple syrup.

_Edward_ Water balloons filled with maple syrup.

_Jake_ YEP.

_Edward_ For Nessie, I'll give you to the count of ten. One. Two. Nine. Ten.

_Jake _If you kill me, you'll have to deal with a suicidal daughter for the rest of eternity who will never talk to you again.

_Edward_ Get out now.

_Jake_ No.

_Edward_ Get out of my house before I torture you to death.

_Jake_ Technically, it is Carlisle's house.

_Bella_ OUT, Jake.

_Jake_ I'm leaving, I'M LEAVING!!

"Alice, how can we get Jake back?"

"Oh I have a long list. MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"

_Hangs up_


	19. Alice Calls Bella

I own nothing

_**I own nothing.**_

_Ring. Ring._

"What?"

"Gosh, Bella, no need to be rude."

"Sorry, Alice. Edward's just obsessed with pranking Jake back. It's driving me bananas. Plus, his hair smells like pancakes. It's very annoying. Very un-Edward-smelling."

"Yikes. I can't imagine what it would be like if Jasper smelled like pancakes. Weird."

"I know."

"Guess what?"

"What?"

"I'M IN AN ANNOYING MOOD TODAY!!"

"Fun."

"I know. I want to antagonize someone."

"Go annoy Rosalie."

"NO!! Hay, do you want to go shopping?"

"No. I hate shopping. Call Nessie or something."

"Nessie is the enemy."

"She is not!! She's Switzerland."

"What?"

"Inside joke."

"Oh. Okay."

"Oh. My. Carlisle."

"I KNOW!! IS EDWARD NOT PURE GENIOUS!?"

"Yeah."

_Jake_ YOU STUPID VAMPIRE!! LET ME DOWN!!

_Edward_ No.

_Jake _ALL THE BLOOD IS RUSHING TO MY HEAD!!

_Edward_ You think I don't know that? I am a stupid vampire, after all.

_Jake_ BECAUSE OF YOU I'LL NEVER TRUST A COOKIE AGAIN!!

_Edward _It's not my fault you fell for the oldest trick in the book.

"Edward, love, what did you do?"

_Edward_ Elementary, my dear Bella. Place net like so, then place cookie like so. Then, sit back and let the werewolf pick up the cookie, thus springing the trap. Thus, hanging the stupid dog upside down in a net in a tree.

"You are prime evil."

_Edward_ Yeah. I know.

"I wish I was there to see it. I'm jealous."

"Alice says she jealous."

_Edward_ I already took a picture.

_Jake_ BLOOD RUSHING TO HEAD OVER HERE!! CAN YOU LET ME DOWN?! PLEASE!!

"You better let him down."

_Edward_ Love, let me sit back and cherish this moment.

"Edward, you better let him down. His brain is going to explode or something."

_Edward_ No it isn't. Two medical masters. I've got the situation under control.

_Emmett_ Did I just hear that the mutt's head is going to explode? I WANT TO WATCH!!

_Jasper_ I'll bet his eyes will explode first!!

_Emmett_ Fifty bucks it's his skull.

_Jasper_ You're on!! Edward you want in?

_Edward_ Hundred Nessie is going to come and make us take him down before it happens.

_Emmett_ Fine. Three hundred dollars in the pot.

"Edward, let him down."

"Chill, Bella, Nessie will be there in five minutes and will cut him down."

"All right. Bye. Go annoy someone."

"I will!!"

_Hangs up._


	20. Embry Calls Jacob

I own nothing

_**I own nothing**_

_Ring. Ring._

"Embry, you idiot, they could have heard us."

"What? Why are you whispering?"

"Quil and I are hiding outside of the Cullen's house waiting for them to open the door."

"You didn't. Please tell me you didn't."

"Fine. I didn't do it."

"You did do it!! Jake, Nessie going to kill you. Or worse. She could make you sleep on the couch!!"

"It's all worth it for this."

"Who are you and what have you done with Jake?"

"Shush!"

_Bella_ Note to self, never let Alice take me shopping

_Alice_ You already knew that.

_Esme_ I agree with Bella

_Rosalie _Seriously, Bells, don't you ever learn?

_Nessie_ I thought it was hilarious.

_Rosalie (opening door) _ I thought so, too. I mean did you see…

_Alice_ Oh. My. Carlisle.

_Bella_ Is that…

_Nessie_ How…

_Esme _MY HOUSE!! MY BEAUTIFUL HOUSE!!

_Rosalie_ EMMETT!! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!

_Bear _Roar.

_Alice _I don't get it!! Why didn't I see this?

_Bella_ Alice, there is a bear in the house. Why didn't you see it?

_Emmett_ What did I do? Why are you going to… HOW THE HELL DID A BEAR GET INTO THE HOUSE!!

_Bear_ Roar.

_Rosalie _I was going to ask you the same thing.

_Jasper_ I didn't know they delivered. Who ordered the bear?

_Alice_ Shut up and get the bear out.

_Edward_ Emmett didn't do it.

_Bella_ Then who did?

_Esme_ WE HAVE BIGGER PROMBLEMS AT THE MOMENT!! GET THE DAMN BEAR OUT OF MY HOUSE!!

_Jasper_ I didn't know it was possible for Esme to swear.

_Emmett_ I guess we better get the bear out

_Bear_ Roar.

_Bella_ Uhhhh… Nessie… where did you…

_Nessie_ I stole it from Emmett

_Emmett_ You don't do it right. You are supposed to eat the bear, not shoot it.

_Nessie_ I'm not going to shoot the bear.

"Shit. RUN QUIL!! SHE'S COMING FOR US!!"

_Quil_ I'M RUNNING!! I'M RUNNING!!

_Nessie_ GET BACK HERE JACOB!!

_Edward_ This is fun. I enjoy this.

_Bella_ She should have stole Alice's samurai sword.

_Alice_ She should have stole YOUR samurai sword.

_Edward_ You have a samurai sword?

_Bella_ Yeah.

_Alice_ Duh. Gosh, Edward. You are so observant.

"HA!! I TOLD YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE IT!! I'm to hang up now because I see you're so busy."

_Hangs up._


	21. Jacob Calls EDWARD! MWHAHAHA!

I own nothing

_**I own nothing. Who is the name of the first baseman. When I say "Who" with a capital, I mean the person. When is "who" without the capital, it means 'who' as in who are you?**_

_**Thank you to all the lovely people who review!! Sorry I don't have time to answer in but PLEASE!! Continue to review!! I ENJOY THEM!!**_

_**To twilightfan922: vacation rocked!! You must continue to write.**_

_Ring. Ring_

"Hello?"

"Hi."

"Go away."

"No. I'm bored."

"Watch the game on T.V."

"What is it?"

"Baseball."

"Oh. I hate baseball."

"I love it. I know everything about this team. Even there nicknames."

"If you are so good, then, name them all."

"O.k. Who's on first, What's on second, I don't know is on third."

"I thought you said you knew who was on the team."

"I did. Who is on first."

"Don't ask me that! I want to know who is on first!!"

"Naturally. Who's on first."

"Then tell me who is on first."

"WHO'S!!"

"Edward!! WHO IS ON FIRST!!"

"I JUST TOLD YOU THAT!!"

"Fine. Forget first. who's on second."

"NO!! Who is on first. What's on second."

"what?"

"Exactly!! Then, I Don't know who is on third…"

"Then who is on third?"

"WHO IS ON FIRST!! NOT THIRD, NOT SECOND, FIRST!! WHY DO YOU INSIST TO PUT HIM ON ANOTHER BASE?"

"Forget the field. who's the pitcher."

"NO!! Who-first!! Tomorrow-pitcher."

"I want to know who the pitcher is today, not tomorrow."

"NO!! You will never get this right. Who is on first, the pitcher is Tomorrow!! The CATCHER is Today."

"why?"

"He's in left field."

"what?"

"That's second."

"Then who…"

"Is on first."

"because…"

"Is in center field."

"No, why?"

"NO, idiot werewolf, Why is in left field."

"I give up!!"

"That's our right fielder."

"who is the right fielder?"

"NO!! Who is on first!!"

"I don't give a damn!!"

"He's our short-stop."

_Bella_ Edward, what are you doing?

_Edward_ Messing with Jake's head.

_Bella_ Ok. Don't let Nessie find out.

_Edward_ I won't.

"So, I have a question."

"O.k."

"who is on first?"

"Bingo!"

"what?"

"Is second."

"Whatever."

_Hangs up._


	22. Jacob calls Bella, Again

I own nothing

_**I own nothing!! To all those people who recognized Who's on First, YOU HAVE CULTURE!!**_

_Ring, Ring._

"Hello?"

"HI!!"

"What?"

"Oh, come on!!"

"What?"

"Is on second."

_Bella_ Edward!! You aren't allowed to mess with Jake's mind anymore!!

_Edward_ Why not?

_Bella_ Because he's lost it!!

"Haha. Very funny. I'm rolling on the floor in laughter."

"What do you want?"

"I'm BORED!!"

"O.k. So?"

"Not funny."

_Edward_ BELLA!! Put the shield around Emmett!!

_Jasper_ Do it!!

_Bella_ Why?

_Edward_ He's thinking

_Jasper_ About Rose.

_Emmett_ What? She' smells good when she's wet!!

_Bella_ Fine. Emmett, chill.

"That is hilarious."

"Shut up."

"Never!!"

"Go away."

"No."

_Emmett_ Here she comes!! Hello my… oh my god.

_Jasper_ I love what you did Rose!!

_Alice_ _(Scream)_ YOUR HAIR!!

_Bella_ Rose…

_Rosalie_ Don't say anything.

_Bella_ I won't.

_Rosalie _Who are you talking to?

_Bella_ Jake.

_Rosalie_ Let me talk to him

_Bella_ Ok.

"Hello, blondie, or should I say…"

"MY HAIR IS PINK!!"

"Really? Why whatever could have happened to it?"

"YOU BASTARD!! YOU SPIKED MY SHAMPOO!!"

"Says who?"

"ME!! YOU ARE SO DEAD WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU!! I'LL TEAR YOU INTO A MILLION PIECES!!"

"I bet."

"I'LL TORTURE YOU FIRST!! THE PIT AND THE PEDULLAM IS ALWAYS THE BEST STARTER!!"

"Sure."

"YOU ARE SOO DEAD!!"

"What Nessie? I'll be right there!!"

"NESSIE DIDN'T CALL YOU!! I'M NOT THROUGH YELLING!!"

_Hangs up._

"BASTARD!!"


	23. Who Calls Edward? I Wonder JACOB!

I own nothing

_**I own nothing. **_

_Ring. Ring._

"What?"

"Do you always have to answer me like that?"

"Yes."

"Oh. Okay. What are you going to do for Halloween?"

"Halloween is the stupidest holiday in the history of holidays."

"No it isn't. Edward day is."

"What?"

"Yeah. Teenage girls all over the world celebrate it on YOUR birthday. Lucky. I WANT ADORING FAN GIRLS!!"

"I have adoring fan girls?"

"Are you that oblivious?"

"I HAVE ADORING FAN GIRLS?!"

"Yes."

"That is disturbing."

"Why don't you convince them that team Jacob is better?"

"You think they will listen to me?"

_Adoring fan girl _OME!! IT'S EDWARD!!

_Adoring fan girls_ SCREAM!!

"Run for your life Edward!!"

"Jake, they are pathetic humans."

"No they aren't. They're obsessive humans."

"Whatever."

_Bella_ Alice!! Get the samurai swords!! The fan girls found Edward again!!

_Alice_ Die humans!! DIE!! MWHAHAHAHAHA!!

"Wow. I didn't know humans could be that obsessive."

"They can. You should see the Bella fan boys."

"What?"

"Oh yeah. Haven't you noticed the hundreds of files of restraining orders Bella has?"

"No."

"You are so observant Edward."

"How did the fan girls find me, anyway?"

"I told them where you were."

"…"

"Edward?"

"Go to hell."

"Do you know how much I miss hearing that from you."

"Let's try that again. Shall we?"

"Okay."

"Go to hell."

"See you there.

_Hang up._


	24. Nessie Calls Edward

I own nothing

_**I own nothing. The thing about Emmett's costume is in Bella's Ham Sandwitch**_

_Ring. Ring._

"Hello?"

"Hi, Dad!!"

"Hello, Nessie."

"Quick question."

"Okay. Does it have anything to do with killing Jake? If it is the answer is yes."

"Haha. Very funny."

"I thought it was."

"Whatever. Do you know how to say "I love you" in Japanese?"

"Your mother knows. She cussed Emmett out in Japanese yesterday."

"Really? Let me talk to her."

"Okay." _Bella._

Bella_ Yes?_

Edward_ Nessie wants to talk to you._ (waits for a second for Bella to push the shield away & smiles) _That can be arranged._

Bella_ It better be able to be arranged._

Edward _Yes ma'm._

"I shall take this opportunity to say ICKY PARENT GROSSNESS!!"

_Bella_ "You have to remember that you were born about two months after our wedding."

_Edward_ At least you can't read our minds.

"I shudder at the thought."

_Edward_ You should.

"Whatever. Hay, Mom, I have a question."

"What do you need, sweetheart?"

"How do you say 'I love you' in Japanese?"

"Why?"

"Because the football players at school told me I have no life because I don't go out with anyone and Jake is like 'It's fine with me if she doesn't have a life' then I, like, stuck my tongue out at him and in my mind, I'm like, 'I do have a life you butts. I'll fix you.' So, I like, need to get back at them so I need to tell them 'I love you' in Japanese but tell them it means 'f you' so they will tell each I love you but think it means 'f' you and it will be hilarious!!"

"Oh. Okay. Fun. It's ore aijou maro."

"Thanks."

"You're welcome. Anything interesting happened to you lately?"

"No. Jake did take pictures of Rosalie's hair and hung them all over the wall, though. He also has pictures of Dad's head in maple syrup, a picture of Emmett in a ballet costume, and one of Alice who's looking extremely evil."

_Alice_ PIXIE MODE!!

"He calls it the wall of humiliation."

"Funny."

"Yeah."

"Well, bye."

"Uhhhh… bye."

_Hangs up._


	25. Jacob Calls Do you have an idea? Edward!

I own nothing

_**I own nothing**_

_Ring. Ring_.

"What?"

"Gosh, Edward, you so are rude."

"Does it look like I care?"

"I can't really see you at the moment."

"Do you think I care?"

"No, not really."

"Good. Do you have a reason for this call, besides driving me to the edge of sanity?"

"There's an edge to sanity?"

"Yes, idiot. You crossed it a long time ago. It's called insanity."

"Actually, I do have a reason."

"Okay, shoot."

"Edward, you being over 100 you probably know good literature when you hear it right?

"Oh dear."

"After all, you were born in the time when most was created."

"Are you calling me old?!"

"Yes, but that's beside the point. I would like to tell you my poem. It's called, 'Ode to The Chicken."

"I'm hanging up now."

"Once, I was a chicken. I was a very happy chicken. And then I got eaten. The end."

"… You know I think I actually liked that."

"Really?"

"Yes. Then I realized it was you and I suddenly hated it."

"I HAVE A FAN!!"

"I especially like the part at the end."

"But, I died then."

"Exactly."

"Wow. Nice to know I'm so loved."

_Bella_ Edward, who's that?

_Edward_ Dog boy.

_Bella_ Jake wrote that awful poetry?

_Edward_ Yep.

_Bella_ Jake is definitely up there with Frost, Shakespeare and Poe.

_Edward_ I know

_Seth_ It should go on the wall of humiliation!

"Seth, is that you?"

_Seth_ No. The author is just putting Seth's name in front of the words in italics to tell you that it s really Embry.

"Embry!! You traitor!!

_Seth_ I really need to teach him sarcasm.

_Edward_ Yeah, you do.

"Wait, so it IS really Seth?"

"Go to hell."

"See you there!"

_Hangs up._


	26. Rosalie Calls Alice

I own nothing

_**I own nothing**_

_Ring Ring_

"Hello?"

"HAY!!!"

"HAY!!! Rose, I'm mad at you."

"Why?"

"Because, you went shopping without me."

"So?"

"_SO_!!!! I'M SUFFERING FROM SHOPPING SEPARATION DISORDER AND YOU SAY _SO_?!?!?!"

"Ahhhh, yeah."

"I am appalled, Rosalie Hale, just APPALLED!"

"Good."

_Nessie_ Tell Alice I said hi.

"YOU TOOK NESSIE!?!?!?! WHAT ABOUT ME!?!?!?!"

"Sorry, I was bored, and you weren't around, so I took Nessie with me."

"WHAT ABOUT BELLA?!?! DID YOU THINK TO ASK HER!?!?"

"I did, but she was kind of busy."

"WHAT ABOUT ESME!?!?!"

_Esme_ Hi, Alice.

"ARRRR!!!!! Bella!! They went shopping without us!!!"

_Bella_ Really? YAY!!! Oh… I mean… NOOO!!!!!

"BELLA!?! HOW COULD YOU!?!?! SHOPPING IS CALLING!!!"

"Bella doesn't shop remember?"

_GASP_ "BELLA DOES TO SHOP!!! TELL THEM BELLA!!"

_Bella_ …

"Bella? What's wrong with you? Answer me!! Gosh darn you!!! What are you starring at anyw… EDWARD!!!"

_Edward_ What?

"STOP DAZZLING HER!!! BELLA, SNAP OUT OF IT!!!! FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE!!! YOU HAVE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR TEN YEARS AND BEEN MARRIED FOR TO EIGHT OF THEM!!! YOU WOULD THINK YOU WOULD HAVE GOTTEN OVER IT!!!"

_Jasper_ Alice?

"WHAT?!"

_Jasper_ Are you done yelling?

"NO!!!!"

_Jasper_ Fine.

"Anyway… YOU BUTT!!! YOU WENT SHOPPING!!! WITHOUT ME!!! I MEAN SERIOUSLY!!!! I…"

"Alice? Hello?"

_Alice_...

_Edward_ Nice use of dazzle, Jasper.

_Jasper_ Thank you, Edward.

"HAHA!!! Alice is dazzled!!!"

_Nessie_ Is that possible?

_Everyone else who isn't dazzled_ Yes.

_Rosalie_ You should see Esme when she is dazzled. It is very disturbing.

_Esme_ I do NOT get dazzled.

_Everyone else who isn't dazzled_ Yeah, you do.

_Esme_ I most certainly do not.

_Emmett_ Yeah, you don't get dazzled by Carlisle. Just like Edward didn't stalk Bella when she was human.

_Edward_ I did not stalk Bella.

_Bella (now undazzled)_ YOU MOST CERTAINLY DID!!!! Don't get me wrong, I LOVED it, but you were a stalker.

_Edward_ Overbearing, maybe, but not a stalker.

_Bella_ You watched me when I slept.

_Edward_ What else was there to do? Sure, I was a little overprotective but…

_Jake_ Overprotective? OVERPROTECTIVE!?!?! Dude, you wouldn't let her come to see me!! ME!!! THE COOLEST WEREWOLF IN THE HISTORY OF WEREWOLVES!!!

_Edward_ She came home one day and her hand was broken.

_Jake_ That was HER fault. SHE hit ME.

_Bella_ Because you kissed me!!

_Jake_ Can you honestly tell me you didn't like it?

_Bella_ YOU are MARRIED to my daughter!!

_Rosalie_ "I'm just going to hang up now… don't finish the conversation until I get home."

_Hangs up._


	27. Jasper Calls Alice

_**I own nothing.**_

_Ring. Ring._

"Jasper you idiot!!!"

"Can you pick us up?"

"What? How DARE you ask me that!!!"

"Come on, Alice, please?"

"No!!"

"I don't want to spend another night in jail."

"THAT IS YOUR FAULT!!!"

"Please, Alice?"

"IF YOU HADN'T TERRORIZED THE LOCAL HUMAN CHILDREN THEN YOU WOULDN'T BE THERE!!!"

_Rosalie_ Can I talk to Emmett?

"Hold on, Rose. Emmett, your wife wants to talk to you."

_Emmett _"Hello?"

"Why are you in jail?"

"Public nuisance."

"Again? That's the third time this month!"

"Yeah."

"What did you do?"

"Well, Jasper and I dressed up as vampires…"

"You are idiots."

"Yeah, I know, we found it ironic."

"Anyway…"

"Okay, so, as I was saying, we dressed up as vampires and went trick-or-treating…"

"Oh. My. God."

"Can I continue, please?"

"Go ahead."

"And we went trick-or-treating and they wouldn't give us candy…"

"I wonder why?"

"I know, why did they give us, US, candy?"

"Maybe because you appear to be twenty-three and you are begging for candy."

"Oh. That makes sense."

"You think?"

"No, I don't think."

"I knew that."

"Yeah, I know you did."

"Proceed."

"In what?"

"Telling the story, you moron."

"I was telling a story?"

"Yes you were, nincompoop."

"Really? What was it about?"

"Yes, it was about how you got in prison."

"OH! Right. Sorry. So, we got mad because they didn't give us candy so we tee-peeded their houses. Then, we got hungry so we stole a cat and ate it."

"Okay. So, ummm, Emmett, dear?"

"Yes?"

"Did ever, umm, occur to you two that you couldn't eat the candy?"

"Uhhhhhh…"

"You two can just stay there."

"Two? Did you say two? There's five of us here."

"What?"

"Yeah, we pulled Edward, Jake and Carlisle into this, too."

_Carlisle _Esme going to kill me.

_Jake_ Edward, do you think I will be able to go home?

_Edward_ Nessie's half human. I have to deal with Bella, a full vampire. Do you remember when she got angry when she was human?

_Jake_ Yep.

_Edward_ Multiply that times ten plus samurai swords.

_Jake_ Och.

"BELLA!!! NESSIE!!! ESME!!!! CARLISLE, EDWARD, AND JAKE ARE IN JAIL WITH EMMETT AND JASPER!!!!"

_Bella_ WHAT!?!?!

_Nessie_ HE IS SOOOOOOO SLEEPING ON THE COUCH TONIGHT!!!

_Esme_ Carlisle.

_Carlisle_ Oh great.

_Jake_ What? That's not so bad. She just said your name.

_Carlisle_ It's not that she said my name, it was that she said my name like that.

_Jake_ Whatever

_Rosalie_ "We'll come to pick you up."

_Hangs up._


	28. Someone Calls Edward Hint: not Jacob

_**I own nothing.**_

**_Quick Question: If I wrote one of these for Harry Potter, would any of you read it? Another Quick Question: Any ideas for Twilight Phone Calls? I need some. If I like them, then I'll use them. If I REALLY like them, I'll give you partcial credit. Another Quick Question: If any of you have another book series (or maybe movie) that you want to here phone calls for, tell me. If I have heard of it, I will write it._**

_Ring. Ring._

"Hello?"

"Tyler?"

"You have the wrong number."

"Sorry."

"That's fine."

"Hey, do I know you?"

"Who are you?"

"Mike Newton."

"Nope."

"Are you sure? You sound so familiar."

"I know no Mike Newton."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Well, what's you your name?"

"Uhhhhh… Jake."

_Jake_ What?

"Nothing. What did you say?"

"I asked what your name was."

"Oh, right. What is my name? Do you know?"

"No, that's why I asked you."

"Oh. Ummm…"

_Bella_ Edward who are you talking to?

"Shush."

"Edward? Edward Cullen?"

"No."

"Edward who then?"

"My name isn't Edward."

_Emmett_ Are we playing the _deny my name game _again? Well, then, I'm not Emmett.

"Shut up, Emmett."

"Uhhh… I clearly don't know you. Sorry."

_Hangs up._


	29. Emmett Calls Nessie

_**I own nothing**_

"Hello?"

"Hi, Nessie. How many turkeys did Jake have to make for the pack?"

"Five, why, Jasper?"

"Crap."

"What?"

_Emmett_ Pay up, buddy. Ten bucks for every turkey you where off.

_Jasper_ I hate you.

_Emmett_ I know.

_Turkey_ Gobble

"Jasper was that a turkey?"

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… noooooooooo…"

"Then what was it?"

_Emmett _That's our new… uhhhhhh… pet…

_Jasper _Raccoon!

_Emmett_ Yeah! That's our new pet raccoon.

"What's his name?"

_Jasper _Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh… Sandy.

_Emmett_ Sandy? What kind of name is that?

_Jasper_ Ugh. Fine. Jim

_Jim_ Gobble

"Raccoons don't gobble."

_Emmett_ That's because he thinks he's a turkey.

_Jasper_ His parents dropped him on his head when he was a baby.

"Right."

_Esme_ THERE IS A TURKEY ON MY TABLE!!!!!!

_Emmett _It's Thanksgiving!

_Jasper_ EMMETT DID IT!!!

_Emmett_ Traitor

_Esme_ GET IT OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!!

_Emmett _His name is Jim.

_Jasper _Emmett, just pick up the turkey.

_Emmett_ Fine. Come here, Jim.

_Jim_ Gobble. Gobble gobble gobble.

_Jasper_ He's making a run for it!!!

_Emmett_ I didn't know turkeys could fly

_Rosalie_ AAAARRRRRRHHHHHHHHH!!!!

_Emmett_ Awww, crap.

_Rosalie_ AAAARRRRRRHHHHHHHHH!!!!

_Jasper_ Uhhhhh… Emmett

_Rosalie_ AAAARRRRRRHHHHHHHHH!!!!

_Emmett_ Yeah.

_Rosalie_ AAAARRRRRRHHHHHHHHH!!!!

_Jasper_ I think there is a turkey in your wife's hair.

_Rosalie_ AAAARRRRRRHHHHHHHHH!!!!

_Alice_ Smile Rose!!!!

_Rosalie_ That turkey is going to die!!!!!

_Jasper_ Don't kill Jim!!

"Ummmm… I'll just leave you all to your little moment."

_Hangs up._


	30. Alice Calls Bella, Again

_**I own nothing. Emmett's gift idea comes from Txting with the Cullens by twilite fan. The explanation for Midnight is in Bella's Ham Sandwitch **_

_Bella _"Hello?"

_Alice _"Have you seen the glass figurines of the reindeer and Santa's sleigh?"

"The ones that are white, silver, and gold or the ones that are red, green, and white?"

"The sleigh is blue with green wreaths on it and the reindeer have silver harnesses."

"Ummm… try row 3B."

"Found it!! Where are you?"

"On the other side of the warehouse, row 12A."

_Jasper_ Do we have enough Christmas junk?

_Alice_ "GASP!!!!"

"Come on, Jasper!! Even Rosalie is in the Christmas Spirit!!!"

_Rosalie_ I AM NOT!! I've just been shopping all day.

_Edward_ Can I stop playing carols yet?

_Alice_ "NO!!!!"

_Jasper_ Yes, please stop. It's very annoying.

_Bella _Alice, get your husband in the holiday spirit.

_Jasper_ Bah!!! Humbug.

_Nessie_ Jasper, why aren't you happy, like the rest of us?

_Jasper_ I have a low tolerance for happiness.

_Jake_ Stupid bloodsucker.

_Alice_ …

_Jasper_ …

_Edward_ …

_Bella_ …

_Rosalie_ …

_Carlisle_ …

_Esme_ …

_Nessie_ …

_Jake_ No offense.

_Bella_ I bet if we tell Emmett to scream Merry Christmas at Jasper, Emmett will be in the state of inexistence in an hour.

_Alice_ Emmett!!! Where are you?!?

_Jasper_ Probably lost in the all of this junk.

_Rosalie_ It's not all junk!!!

_Emmett_ Here I am!!!

_Edward_ Wonderful.

_Alice_ Keep playing Mister!!!

_Emmett_ Guess what I got everyone for Christmas!!

_Carlisle_ Emmett, we already have our two front teeth.

_Emmett_ GASP!! How did you know!!

_Edward_ That's what you get us every year, idiot.

_Emmett_ Very funny. No, I am getting everyone a puppy!!

_Alice_ …

_Jasper_ …

_Edward_ …

_Bella_ …

_Rosalie_ …

_Carlisle_ …

_Esme_ …

_Nessie_ …

_Jake_ Well, that's ironic.

_Bella_ Midnight isn't going to like that.

_Emmett_ Does it honestly look like I care?

_Rosalie _Is it a vampire puppy?

_Emmett_ Maybe.

_Esme_ And how did that happen?

_Jasper_ He probably got hungry.

_Emmett _Uhhhhhh…

_Alice_ "GASP!!! How could you Emmett? A PUPPY?"

_Emmett_ Uhhhhh… yeah

_Nessie_ Awwwwwww… She's so cute.

_Rosalie_ It smells like dog. Gross.

_Jasper_ And Christmas. Ick.

_Nessie_ How can something smell like Christmas?

_Jasper_ Pine, peppermint, and dust.

_Esme_ I think it smells good.

_Jasper _Humbug.

_Nessie_ Awwwwww…She even has a red bow around her neck.

_Jake_ No.

_Nessie_ What?

_Jake_ We aren't taking the bloodsucking dog home.

_Nessie_ Ppppplllllleeeeeaaaaaaassssssssseeeeeeee?????

_Emmett_ Just give in, Jake. She'll win anyway.

_Carlisle_ They always do.

_Alice_ "I HAVE TO SEE THE PUPPY!!!"

_Hangs up._


	31. Jacob Calls Edward, once more

_**I own nothing. Sorry it's been awhile since my last update. Writer's block**_

_Ring, ring_

"Hello, Edward."

"Go to hell, Jacob."

"Yeah, yeah, I'll see you there, yada, yada, yada. Well, Quil, Embry and I oare on this show called cash cab…"

"It's a game show in a cab."

"Must you know everything?"

"Yes."

"The question is 'In the famous Abbott and Costello skit, who's on first?'"

"You're kidding me, right?"

"Embry, Edward says the answer is 'You're kidding me, right?'"

"I played this joke on you over the phone a while ago."

"Who's on first, Edward?"

"Who."

"That's what I'm asking you."

"Put me on speaker phone."

"You're on speaker."

"Who is on first."

"I'm asking you that, Edward."

"NO, YOU IDIOT!!! WHO IS ON FIRST!!!"

"Edward, I don't want the question repeated to me."

"You're hopeless."

_Hanging up noises_

"Teaches that vampire to mess with my head."

_Embry _There's no game show.

_Quil_ Good, job Jake!!

"HA!! I'M STILL HERE! I CAUGHT YOU!

"Awww, crap."

"I'm off to go find a way to get you back. You will never mess with Edward Cullen again!!"

_Hangs up._

"Well, I'm dead."


	32. Nessie Calls Jacob

_**I own nothing**_

_Ring. Ring._

"Hello?"

"YOU ARE SO DEAD!!!"

"Why, hello, Ms. Black."

"Oh, ummmm…, Principle Purcell, I'm really… very… sorry. I, ummm… forgot that Jake was in detention. Um… who else in there?"

"His idiot friends and your brothers."

"That's it? Really?"

"Huuhhhhhhh, yes, Ms. Black, could you possibly call him back, later, when he isn't in detention?"

"No, ma'm this kinda important. Could you put me on speaker? It's the one with the megaphone on it."

_Button is pushed_

"Thanks. Ummm… Jake? Would you like to know what color my hair is?"

_Jake_ "Hold on, let me guess. Black? Oh, nope, that's Alice. Hold on one second. Bronze?"

"Nope."

"Stop messing with my head, Ness, it's not funny. Now, I look at your hair every day and I know for a fact that it is bronze."

"My hair is blue, Jacob."

"Duke blue or Carolina blue? I do hope it's not that duke crap."

"Your missing the POINT, Jacob!!! MY. HAIR. IS. BLUE."

"And…"

"How did it get that way?"

"You dyed it?"

"Now, why would I dye my hair BLUE!?!?! BLUE OF ALL COLORS!!!"

"Wait, are you accusing me of dying your hair blue?"

"Ya think?"

"No, I don't. What just makes you think I did it?"

"There evidence."

"What kind of evidence?"

"The kind of rock hard evidence that make you sleep on the couch."

"But..."

"I KNOW YOU DID IT JACOB!!! You might as well shut up and deal with it."

"NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Edward why are you laughing?"

_Edward_ No reason.

"There is too a reason!!! I KNOW IT!!!"

"I told you I would find a way to get you back."

_Jasper_ "GOOD JOB EDWARD!!!"

_Emmett_ "We'll have a celebration!!! AND BLOW UP MARSHMALLOWS IN THE MICROWAVE!!!"

_Edward _"Thanks, Ness."

_Nessie_ "No problem. But I want my money."

_Jacob_ "Traitor."

_Principle Purcell_ "Are you passing notes in detention, Mr. Hale?"

_Jasper_ "Nope, not me."

_Principle Purcell_ "Hand it over."

_Silence_

"Do I want to know?"

_Emmett_ "It's a weird family thing."

_Jasper_ "Just ignore us like you always do."

_Edward_ "Stop it, mongrel."

_Jake_ "What?"

"You know very well what."

"I do?"

"You're thinking."

_Emmett_ "Silly Edward, dogs don't think."

"That's not what I mean."

"What do you mean?"

"It's how you think in Calculus."

"Ah."

_Jasper_ "What do you think about in Calculus, Emmett?"

_Edward_ "The same thing you think about in Chemistry."

"Well, have fun thinking, Jake."

_Jake _"Shut up, I'm thinking."

_Edward bangs head on desk._

_Nessie_ "Oh, will you look at that. It's seven thirty. Detentions over."

_Jake_ "I will see you later, Ness."

_Nessie_ "Bye"

_Edward_ "RENEESME!!!"

_Nessie_ What?

_Edward_ IT WAS IMPLIED!!!

_Jake_ Can I have my phone back?

_Principle Purcell _ I'm just going to forget about this conversation

_Jasper_ You do that. As long as you give me an A, I'm fine.

_Nessie_ "I'm hanging up now."

_Hangs up._


	33. Jacob Calls Edward for the 1,2, 9TH TIME

_**I own nothing.**_

**Attention all peeps! AUTHOR'S NOTE!!!! I would like to have ONE THOUSAND REVIEWS before I reach the 50****th**** phone call mark. If I don't have that many by then, **_**I'M QUITTING PHONE CALLS**__**. I**___**would like the reviews to say more than lol. Tell me why you love it. Is there anything you miss or would like to see again? I'm not a Stephanie Meyer and I have to actually pay attention in class now. Exams are coming up. If you have any work or anyone else's work you think I could twist, up it in the review. I WILL NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHOR'S WORK WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION. I will put the story I got in from at the being of the chapter which it evolves. It gives you more popularity. Thanks!**

_Ring, ring._

"What?"

"Hello."

"Go to hell"

"Uhhh… No."

_Nessie _"Emmett, give me my sandwich,"

_Emmett_ "How about, no?"

_Nessie_ "You will give me my sandwich."

_Emmett_ "No I will not,"

_Nessie_ "Are you going to eat it?"

_Emmett_ "No."

_Nessie_ "Then you have no use for it."

_Emmett_ "I didn't say I didn't have a use for it."

_Nessie_ "What is your use then?"

_Emmett_ "Terrorizing you."

_Nessie_ "Right. Ok. I guess you're a wimp."

_Emmett_ "Why?"

_Nessie_ "You are too chicken to eat that sandwich."

_Emmett_ "Am not."

_Nessie_ "Are to."

_Emmett_ "Am not."

_Nessie_ "Are to."

_Emmett_ "Am not."

_Nessie_ "Fine, eat it then."

_Emmett_ "I will not eat this sandwich,"

_Nessie_ "Yes, you will."

_Emmett_ "No, I won't."

_Nessie_ "Yes, you will."

_Emmett_ "NO, I WON'T!"

_Nessie_ "Yes, you will."

_Emmett_ "NO! I WON'T!"

_Nessie_ "No, you won't"

_Emmett_ "YES! I WILL!"

_Nessie_ "No, you won't,"

_Emmett_ "YES! I WILL!"

_Nessie_ "Fine, have it your way."

_Emmett_ "Thank you."

_Nessie_ "You are too stubborn to argue with. Go ahead and eat that sandwich, Emmett."

_Alice _"Good one, Nessie,"

_Nessie _"Thank you, I thought so, too."

_Bella_ "That's the second time he's fallen for that"

_Edward _"The idiot still hasn't figured it out yet."

_Rosalie _"I am married to a moron."

_Emmett _"What?!"

_Jasper _"Clearly, Emmett, you never watched Bugs Bunny."

_Emmett _"I DID TO! Bugs and Daffy always got into arguments and then Bugs would switch his side of the argument because Daffy was to dim-witted to realize it so he kept arguing and then let Daffy have his way, so… I just ate that ham sandwich, didn't I?"

_Jake_ I wish I could have seen it

_Edward_ Bye/

_Jake_ Wait, n-

_Hangs up_


	34. Nessie Calls Bella, Once Again

_**I own nothing**_.

_Ring, ring_

Hello?

Is it just me, or are all men idiots?

Sweetheart, we figured that out along time ago.

_Alice _Figured out what?

_Bella_ That all men are idiots.

_Alice_ So true.

_Bella _And when you finally meet the one you think isn't an idiot, you then start to go out with him!!!

_Alice_ And by then, you're so blinded with love-

_Bella_ Dazzled is a better word.

_Alice_ I agree, dazzled is a much better word. And by then, you're so _dazzled_, you totally overlook the fact he's an idiot!!!

_Nessie_ And the next thing you're married to the dumbo and stuck with him for the rest of eternity!!!

_Alice_ I know!!! It's horrible!!!!

_Bella_ Why are we yelling about something we already know?!?!

_Nessie_ Because my idiot forgot our wedding anniversary!!!

_Alice_ OH NO HE DIDN'T!!!

_Nessie_ Oh, yes he did.

_Alice_ OH NO HE DIDN'T!!!

_Nessie _OH YES HE DID!!!!

_Alice_ OH, NO HE-

_Bella_ Alice, Alice, we get the point. Jake forgot there wedding anniversary.

_Rosalie_ Dog boy did what?

_Nessie_ Forgot our wedding anniversary!!

_Rosalie_ That's okay, Nessie. Emmett usually forgets ours.

_Alice_ He didn't forget it two years ago.

_Rosalie_ I try to forget that one.

_Nessie_ Why?

_Bella_ He gave her a tooth brush.

_Nessie _Och.

_Alice_ Jasper gave me chocolate one year for valentines day.

_Rosalie_ OH NO HE DIDN'T!!!

_Alice_ Oh, yes he did.

_Rosalie_ OH NO HE DIDN'T!!!

_Alice _OH YES HE DID!!!!

_Rosalie_ OH, NO HE-

_Bella_ Rose, Rosalie, we get the point. Jasper gave her chocolate one year for Valentines Day.

_Alice_ Like you should be talking. You have no idea what we are talking about. You have the romantic husband. I mean, he wrote a song dedicated to you!

_Rosalie_ LUCKY!!! I WANT A ROMANTIC HUSBAND!!! But, nooooooooo, I get a husband who gets me A FREAKING TOOTHBRUSH for my wedding anniversary!!!!

_Jasper (walking by)_ What are they yelling about?

_Emmett_ Something about oral hygiene.

_Jasper_ Why are they yelling about oral hygiene?

_Emmett_ Because it's important, duh.

_Jasper_ But, I don't think vampire need dental hygiene.

_Emmett_ Jasper, stop thinking, you really should

_Jasper _But I like thinking.

_Emmett (walking away)_ Just shut up.

_Alice _They pay no attention whatsoever to us.

_Rosalie_ I know. We need to whack them in the back of the head or something.

_Nessie_ Well, at least they got the toothbrush part right

_Alice _Don't take-

_Edward(walking by) _Hello, love.

_Bella_ Hi.

_Edward (kisses Bella and walks away)_

_Bella(with giddy look) _Be there in five minutes.

_Alice & Rosalie stares with open mouths at Bella_

_Bella_ What?

_Alice_ Show-off.

_Nessie_ Well, I'm going to go beat the crap out of Jake.

_Rosalie_ Have fun.

_Hangs up._


	35. Jacob Calls Edward, for the 10th time

_**I own nothing**_

_Ring, ring_

"Hello?"

"Hola, Edward!!!"

"Great, it's _you_."

"MWHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

"Ugh."

"Edward, guess what?"

"What?"

"OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH, I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and this is how it goes, one, two, three. I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and this is how it goes, one, two, three. I know a song that gets on everybody's…"

"Oh dear god."

_Nessie_ Jake, stop singing.

_Jake _"I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and this is how it goes, one, two, three. I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and this is how it goes, one, two, three. I know a song that gets on everybody's…"

_Nessie_ He's not paying any attention to me, is he?

_Edward_ "Nope."

_Nessie_ I'll teach him, be right back.

_Edward _"I'm just going to hang up now." _Puts phone on hook._

_Jake _"I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and this is how it goes, one, two, three. I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and this is how it goes, one, two, three. I know a song that gets on everybody's…"

_Edward_ "I don't get it!!! I CAN _STILL_ HEAR YOU!!!"

_Jake_ Quil messed with your phone so you can't hang up until I do.

_Edward_ Well, that sucks.

_Jake _For you. But in the mean time, OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH, I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and this is how it goes, one, two, three. I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and this is how it goes, one, two, three. I know a song that gets on everybody's—

_Edward_ Jake?

_Jake_ …

_Edward_ YES!!! HE'S FINALLY SPEECHLESS!!!!

_Jake_ I gots to go

_Edward_ Uhhhhhh… okay

_Hangs phone up._

_Nessie_ Do I have your attention now?

_Edward_ Jake, you missed the receiver.

_Jake_ My undivided attention.

_Edward_ Jake, hang the phone up.

_Jake_ Is that...

_Nessie_ Ummmmmm-hmmmmmm

_Edward_ JACOB!!! HANG THE DAMN PHONE UP BEFORE I LOOSE MY MIND!!!!

_Noises_

_Edward_ HANG THE PHONE UP!!!!!! _Edward tries to break the phone. _Ummmmm… that didn't work. ROSALIE!!! I NEED YOUR SLEDGE HAMMER!!!

_Bangs sledge hammer on phone_

_Edward_ What is up with this phone? YOUR CHAINSAW EMMETT!!!!

_Noises(louder)_

_Edward_ OH WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP ALL READY!!!

_Emmett_ MY CHAINSAW!! THE DAMN PHONE BROKE MY CHAINSAW!!!

_Alice_ That's some sort of new Japanese alloy

_Emmett_ Stupid Japanese technology

_Noises(even louder)_

_Edward_ Jasper. I'll need your bazooka.

_Bella _What are you all doing?

_Esme_ Watching Edward try to destroy the phone

_Alice_ It's funny.

_Bella_ Why?

_Noises(even louder)_

_Bella_ Oh. Well, have you tried unplugging the phone?

_Edward_ Shuuuussshhhhhhh, of course I have. No.

_Bella_ Well, don't you think you should try?

_Edward_ But that's giving up.

_Noises(even louder than before)_

_Edward_ I think we should unplug the phone.

_Bella_ Yeah, I think so, too.

_Bella unplugs the phone_


	36. Jacob Calls Bella, yet again

_**I own nothing**_

_**Read Wife Swap Vampire Edition by ipoked-KiraandEdward-andlived. I reviewed the first four chapters, and, of course, threw a little phone calls in there.**_

_Ring, ring_

"Hello?"

"Hi, bloodsucker."

"Well, well, well, if it isn't the dog."

"Bells, I'm hurt."

"Sure, you are."

"Well, I am."

"Whatever."

"Hay, why isn't Edward answering his phone?"

"Because of the last time you called him."

"What happened?"

"You idiot."

"Oh, that… right."

_Emmett_ Die, humans, die!!!!!

_Jasper_ NO!!! Stupid Nazi!!!

_Jake_ "What was that?"

_Bella_ "Emmett and Jasper are playing Call of Duty."

_Alice_ Hay, Jasper, I need your credit card.

_Jasper_ …

_Alice _Jasper, I said I need your credit card.

_Jasper_ …

_Alice_ JASPER!!!!

_Jasper_ What?

_Alice_ Credit card.

_Jasper_ Yeah, here.

_Rosalie_ I swear, they hear nothing we say when they are on that game.

_Alice_ Nope.

_Rosalie_ Hey Emmett, I want a purple orangutan that sings the "I Love Lucy" theme song to the moon at eleven o'clock every Saturday morning.

_Emmett_ What? Yeah, I'll get it for you the next time I'm in town, sweetheart.

_Alice_ I suggest we all dress up in hot pink leotards and start to do the Cancan in front of the entire school, when we then exclaim "WE SPARKLE!!!" What do you think, Jasper?

_Jasper_ Yeah, sure, that's a great idea, honey.

_Rosalie_ Did you know that some humans lick three hundred pounds of peanut butter a on the winter solstice?

_Emmett_ Thanks for the trivia, Rose, could you know interrupt again? Kind of playing a game.

_Alice_ Christmas trees covered with banana crème pies on the 52nd day in August are tradition in Umpa-Lumpa Land.

_Jake_ That reminds me, do we have any pie Nessie?

_Nessie_ I don't know.

_Jake_ Well, because, dammit, woman, I want pie.

_Nessie(fuming) _Okay, _dear_, I'll get you pie. Would you like some lemonade with that?

_Jake_ Why, I would love some.

_Nessie_ Here's your lemonade.

_Lemonade slowly drips down Jake's face_

_Nessie_ Oops, forgot your pie.

_Squish_

_Jake_ My face tastes like chocolate.

_Nessie_ Oh, you made a mess. Silly, Jake. I'll wash that off for you. _Takes hose and sprays him in the face._

_Bella_ You had that coming, Jake.

_Jake_ Yeah, I know. I better go dry off.

_Hangs up _


	37. Edward Calls Jacob, hmmm unusual

_**I own nothing**_.

_Ring, ring_

"Hello?'

"GET UP!! DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS!?!"

"Wha?"

"Stupid dog, we're starting a new school, because Emmett started throwing rotten oranges at the teachers again."

_Emmett_ It was fun.

_Jake_ I don't want to go to school. If I'm going to be twenty-six for the rest of eternity, I shouldn't have to go to school."

"Don't make me get the megaphone."

"I'm up, I'M UP!!!"

_Alice_ I hate new schools.

_Rosalie_ I do, too. All the guys stare at us for a month before they get used to us.

_Alice_ It's annoying.

_Bella_ One time, I went to a new school and a guy started to stalk me.

_Edward_ I know, the nerve of fate. Just think, I could have ended up with Tanya.

_Bella_ Touché

_Jake_ Random thought!!!

_Bella_ Oh, dear god.

_Edward_ You know what's worse?

_Bella_ What?

_Edward_ I see his random thoughts.

_Bella_ Yeesh.

_Jake_ Yeah, well, anyway, my random thought is: Edward you falling ion love with Bella would be like me falling in love with a turkey sandwich.

_Edward_ Two differences. One: If you eat the tur-

_Bella_ So your comparing me to a bird?

_Jake _ I meant to say bacon.

_Bella_ Oh, so now your comparing me to a pig.

_Jake_ Fine, a t-bone steak.

_Bella_ Jake, you better just shut up, since you are comparing your _mother-in-law_ to a cow.

_Jake_ Shutting up.

_Awkward silence _

_Jake_ Ness, wake up. We got to go to school.

_Nessie_ Wha? Jake, it's one o'clock in the morning.

_Awkward silence _

_Jake_ Go to hell, Edward

See you there!

_Hangs up._


	38. Rosalie Calls Emmett

_**I own nothing. I got the letter from a chain email.**_

_Ring, ring._

"Hello?"

"Hello, Emmett."

" 'Sup, babe?"

"I was checking the mail and got a letter."

"Really, in the mail? Wow, these humans sure have gone low tech."

"Is Jasper with you?"

"Well, yeah."

"And I need to talk to you two."

"Kay."

"Alice, you start."

_Alice _"Okay, Dear Mrs. Esme Cullen, Over the past six months, your sons have been causing quite a commotion in the local Wal-Mart. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of them from the store. Our complaints against Emmett and Jasper are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

_Emmett _Awwwww… crap

_Jasper_ I told you we wouldn't be able to get away with it!!

_Rosalie _1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

_Emmett_ Actually, it was twenty-five

_Alice _2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

_Jasper_ It was four and a half!

_Rosalie _3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

_Emmett_ Ketchup!!!

_Jasper_ These people need to get there facts straight

_Alice_ 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.

_Emmett_ That means that a flat screen mysteriously disappeared.

_Rosalie _5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

_Jasper_ It's not like we're are going to eat them.

_Alice _6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

_Emmett_ That was funny.

_Jasper_ Don't feel sorry for the old man with a walker who fell?

_Emmett_ I don't know. You tell me.

_Rosalie _7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers they'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

_Emmett_ That one chick probably actually would if her dad wasn't with her.

_Alice _8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help them, they began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

_Jasper _THOSE PEOPLE ARE SO ANNOYING!!!

_Rosalie _9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

_Alice _10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

_Emmett_ His heart rate got really fast.

_Rosalie _11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

_Jasper_ Funny stuff.

_Alice _12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' By using different sizes of funnels.

_Emmett_ That was NOT us.

_Jasper_ Nope.

_Rosalie 13_. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

_Emmett_ That was Jasper. I couldn't fit in the clothing rack.

_Alice _14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

_Jasper_ Yep, that was me

_Rosalie _15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!

_Emmett_ Well, there wasn't!!!

_Alice_ October 31: Went to the poster section and took all of the posters for the Twilight movie and drew mustaches on the people.

_Rosalie_ Do you two have anything to say for yourselves?

_Jasper It_ was funny!

_Alice & Rosalie_ You are so grounded.

_Hnags up. _


	39. Nessie Calls Rosalie

I own nothing

Ring, ring.

"Hello?"

"So what did you get for Valentine's day? Are you going to have to beat Emmett?"

"NOT FUNNY, BELLA!!!!"

[Bella] "What did I do?"

"You told Nessie that my Valentine's day sucked, and then she calls me to wave her good one in my face."

[Bella, Nessie & Alice] "Nu-huh."

"Hey, Alice. What did you get?"

[Alice] "A credit card."

[Bella, Nessie, Esme, & Rosalie] GASP!!!!!

[Rosalie] SHOPPING!!!

[Nessie] Is he crazy?

[Rosalie] SHOPPING!!!

[Bella] Can he afford it?

[Rosalie] SHOPPING!!!

[Esme] Please don't tell me you are going to make Jasper broke.

[Alice] Well, what else is he there for?

[Bella] I can think of several things you can use your husband for.

[Edward] I second the motion.

[Alice] This is an ABCDE conversation, so get the F out of it.

[Rosalie] Nice.

[Alice] Thank you, I thought so, too.

[Nessie] What about you Rose?

[Rosalie] What did you get for Valentine's day, Bella?

[Nessie] She's avoiding the question!!

[Bella] Flowers and a song.

[Rosalie] So Edward-like.

[Bella] Well did you get something better?

[Jasper] Too-much-love... can't-take-much-more.

[Alice] Shut up, Jasper.

[Rosalie] What did Jake give you, Nester?

[Alice] You know, avoiding the questions ticks me off.

[Nessie] Chocolate.

[Rosalie] Jake has it easy. All he has to do is go out and by a heart-shaped box.

[Nessie] What's wrong with chocolate? I like chocolate.

[Alice] At least you can eat it.

[Nessie] It's delicious.

[Rosalie] Ick.

[Bella] I agree with Rosalie. It's just a bunch of seeds mixed with dirt to make something humans crave.

[Nessie] Well, I guess I love seeds and dirt.

[Esme] Rosalie, what did you get?

[Rosalie] I didn't notice you there, Esme. Tell us what you got.

[Bella] Why won't you just answer the question?

[Edward] Because Emmett got her...

[Rosalie] I thought Alice told you to get the F out.

[Edward] Whatever.

[Rosalie] Continue, Esme. Right before we were so rudely interrupted.

[Nessie] Ooooo, it must be bad.

[Bella] Really bad.

[Alice] Yep.

[Esme] Diamonds and... nothing I would mention in public.

[Bella] Oh, we all got that.

[Nessie] Do you really think we would be this happy if we didn't?

[Alice] God, Esme, get with the program!!

[Rosalie] I am the only one who didn't have a good valentines day?

[Nessie] It must not have been that bad.

[Rosalie] It was.

[Alice] Well, we would know if you told us what you got.

[Rosalie] A t??t?bru??

[Nessie] What was that? The phone didn't pick it up.

[Rosalie] A T??T?BRU??

[Nessie] Say that again.

[Rosalie] HE GOT ME A FREAKING TOOTHBRUSH!!

[Alice] I would have to kill him.

[Nessie] Well, have fun killing him. I'm off to go find Jake. This conversation is boring me.

[Hangs up.]

[Bella] Such a short attention span.

[Rosalie] I just said Emmett gave me a toothbrush for valentines day.

[Alice] She reminds me of you when you were human. So controlled by your hormones.

[Rosalie] Does anyone care?

[Esme] The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, Bells.

[Rosalie] Having a crisis over here.

[Bella] I'm going to go find Edward.

[Rosalie] HELLO?

[Alice] Esme, I think we should go bug Carlisle to death.

[Rosalie] I'm running out of smart remarks!!

[Esme] He's already dead. But, yeah, let's go.

[Rosalie] DOES NO ONE CARE!?!?!

[Emmett] I care.

[Rosalie] Shut up.

[Hangs up.]


	40. Emmett Calls Edward 2 phone calls

_**I own nothing**_.

_Ring, ring_

"Hello?"

"Hi."

"Emmett, are you bored?"

"Yeah, I'm grounded."

"Well, I wonder why."

"I wonder if it has anything to do with what I gave her for Valentines Day."

"You think?'

"I don't…"

_Squish_

_Jake_ Oh, shit

_Silence for 15 minutes._

_Bella_ Oh my god.

_Jasper_ I have never seen him that ticked before.

_Alice_ Jake, you idiot.

_Emmett_ I'm just going to go get the video camera. Be right back

_Esme_ Carlisle?

_Carlisle_ I smell like tomatoes.

_Jake_ That was meant for Edward. You both look so alike from looking from above.

_Carlisle_ Alice, I need your samurai sword.

_Jake_ There no need for that old thing, is there?

_Jasper_ Carlisle, Respond in Peaceful and Positive ways.

_Carlisle _No.

_Jake_ I'll just go… RUN FOR MY LIFE

_Carlisle_ Get back here you dumb dog.

_Jake_ AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

_Bella_ You're enjoying this, aren't you?

_Edward_ Yes, yes I am.

_Jake_ Hay, ummmmm, Nessie? Running for my life over here!! Can you help me out?

_Nessie_ Carlislewon't hurt you. He's too nice.

_Jake_ He's chasing me around with a samurai sword!!!! I think he's going to hurt me!!!!

_Nessie_ Have you looked at his face yet?

_Jake_ Too busy running. Hay wait… you're smiling. Edward?

_Edward_ Yes?

_Jake_ That wasn't funny.

_Edward_ I thought it was.

_Carlisle_ Can I have my money?

_Edward_ Yeah.

_Jake_ Screw yall. I'm going home.

_Nessie_ By guys. See ya later.

_Alice_ Don't let Jake drive!

_Rosalie_ And don't go down any dark allies!!!

_Bella_ Unless the creepy guy who sits next to you in chemistry falls desperately in love with you and starts to stalk youand watch you when you sleep and saves you from the bunch of weirdos following you in a dark ally.

_Alice _Then you are all like 'what is up with you?' and he's all like 'I SPARKLE!' and you are all like "What does that have to do with anything?"

_Bella_ Don't forget the "You smell really yummy and I want to eat you, but I'm not because it's immoral and I love you." And you're saying, "JUST FREAKIN EAT ME ALLREADY!!!"

_Alice_ Then he leaves you and tries to commit suicide when he finds out you died. Some guys are so weird.

_Bella_ I know right?

_Edward_ Emmett, I'm going to hang uop now since you're on the other side of the room so, bye.

_Hangs up._

_**The following is a FLASHBACK from one year ago. This is about WHEN EDWARD FINDS OUT JAKE AND NESSIE ARE SLEEPING TOGETHER**_

_Ring ring_

"Hello?"

_Bull horn goes off_

_Jake_ HOLY SHIT!!!!

_Thud_

_Crash_

_Jake_ I am definitely not OK

_Edward_ Wake up, dog-boy!!!! The moon is high tonight and it's Wednesday.

_Nessie_ Jake, are you okay?

_Edward_ Wait a second, Nessie?

_Jake_ Did you not here me say that I am definitely not ok?

_Edward_ Again I say: Nessie? What are you doing at Jake's house at 2 o'clock in the morning?

_Nessie_ I smell blood

_Edward_ Does anyone not here thee questioning father in the background? Nessie, WHAT are you doing at Jake's house?

_Jake_ Well, I suffered a slight concussion when I hit my head on the table while falling off the bed…

_Edward_ Bed? BED?!?!

_Jake _Which caused the lamp to fall off the table and crash then it hits my head causing pieces of glass to embed themselves in my skin. Other than that, I'm all good.

_Edward_ Again I say: BED!?!?! WHAT THE HELL!?!?!

_Nessie_ I'll put some clothes on then fix your head.

_Edward_ CLOTHES!?! OR THE LACK THEREOF!?!?!

_Jake_ Can't fix my head. I have too many problems with it. You can take the glass out of it though.

_Edward_ JACOB BLACK I TOLD YOU…

_Nessie_ There. Glass free.

_Edward_ WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM!?!?

_Jake_ I prefer my head being glass free.

_Kissing noises._

_Edward_ IS ANYONE PAYING ATTENTION TO THE dude with the… bull… horn… … … … … … … Great, good job, genius.

_Bull horn goes off_

_Nessie_ Och. That hurt Dad.

_Jake_ Seriously, dude, that hurt.

_Alice & Bella_ We told you not to call him.

_Alice_ But, nooooooooo, you just have to prank call Jake.

_Edward_ You knew?

_Bella_ No, Edward, I just haven't let you read their minds for the past three days because they have been baking cake all night.

_Alice_ You are so unobservant.

_Nessie_ Can we hang up the phone now?

_Jake_ I would love to.

_Nessie (giggles)_

_Edward_ DON'T---

_Hangs up._

_Edward_ Bastard


	41. Jasper calls Alice Rose Bella & Nessie

_**I own nothing**_

_Ring, ring_

"What?"

"Guess what?"

"Jasper, you know the rules. It's the fourth Saturday of the month. Girl's day out. You guys aren't allowed to bother us all day."

"But, but…"

"Don't wear that, Ness, it makes your butt look big."

_Jasper_ Alice.

_Nessie_ I like it.

_Jasper_ Alice.

_Bella_ I think it looks fine.

_Jasper_ Alice.

_Rosalie_ You don't even like to be here.

_Jasper_ Alice.

_Alice _ Stop giving her a hard time. It's not her fault she has no sense of fashion.

_Jasper_ ALICE!!

_Alice_ WHAT!?!?!

_Jasper_ We all have gym together this semester.

_Girls_ UGH.

_Alice_ REALLY?!?!

_Jasper_ Yeah.

_Alice_ That is sooooooooo cool. Did it ever occur to that I already knew that?

_Jasper_ Oh. Right.

_Emmett_ I told you she would already know.

_Edward_ Nester, the dogs are throwing BB&Q chickens at each other right next to the leather sofa and priceless family heirlooms.

_Nessie_ As long as the clean it up.

_Edward_ What?

_Rosalie_ Back to the gym thing…

_Bella_ God, I hate gym.

_Alice_ I know right? I mean, we're dead, how much more physically fit can we get?

_Random lady listening to every word the Cullens say_ You're dead?

_Nessie_ She said "We're filled with dread"

_Random lady_ Oh.

_Random lady's daughter_ Mom, they look like those people from that movie we saw.

_Random lady_ Nonsense. That movie was filmed when I was in high school and a major Twilight fan.

_Nessie_ Bu-bye

_Rosalie_ You shouldn't annoy extremely gorgeous women who are…

_Alice_ Ventriloquists!!

_Edward_ What?

_Alice_ Well, I couldn't say something else

_Random lady_ No one said anything

_Random lady's daughter_ Mom, that one with the blonde hair is glaring at me.

_Bella_ Stop glaring at the little kid

_Random lady's daughter starts to cry_

_Nessie_ YOU MADE HER CRY

_Bella_ You are so heartless.

_Alice_ I thought you loved children

_Rosalie_ I didn't glare at her.

_Emmett_ You glare at everyone, Rose.

_Rosalie_ You better shut up, buddy, before you get what's coming to you.

_Emmett_ Why, I would love to get what's coming to me

_Random lady_ Excuse me? Did you just tell my daughter to shut up?

_Rosalie_ I didn't…

_Mall security cop _Ma'm, I'm taking you in for disturbing the peace.

_Silence_

_Emmett, Jasper & Edward explode in laughter_

_Emmett_ You are staying in prison, missy.

_Rosalie_ Is there anyway I can get out of this?

_Mall cop_ Give me your phone number and all the other chicks numbers and you can go.

_Emmett_ Put us on speaker, Alice.

_Alice_ Uhhhhh, okay.

_Emmett_ Mr. mall cop, sir

_Edward_ We have a problem with the current situation.

_Jasper_ A very big problem

_Emmett_ And we would like to make this comment.

_Edward_ HELL NO

_Jasper_ YOU CAN'T HAVE THEIR NUMBERS!!!

_Emmett_ WHAT KIND OF SICK MALL COP ARE YOU!?!?!

_Mall cop_ I'll take you all in, then.

_Bella _What?

_Nessie_ EXCUSE me?

_Alice_ That is illigeal

_Jake _Mr. Higgins, nice to see you.

_Nessie_ How awfully convenient for you to show up when we are about to be arrested, Jacob.

_Bella_ I thought you were throwing BB&Q chickens at Embry and Quil.

_Jake_ I was, then Embry broke the window for the second time today

_Nessie_ Excuse me?

_Mall cop_ Oh dear god. Do you know these people?

_Jake_ They're my sisters. Except the two that look alike. The one with the bronze hair is my girlfriend.

_Nessie_ You broke my window?

_Mall cop_ Are they as annoying as you?

_Nessie_ You. Broke. My. Window.

_Jake_ Worse.

_Nessie_ YOU BROKE MY WINDOW!?!?!

_Jake_ See what I mean?

_Nessie_ You are so dead.

_Mall_ _cop_ I'm leaving now.

_Alice_ Bu-bye

_Jasper_ I guess you girls will be coming home now.

_Edward_ We think you should

_Emmett_ I agree

_Edward_ So we're just going to hang up now.

_Hangs up._

_Bella_ I didn't hear us say that we're going home.

_Alice_ Yeah, I didn't either.

_Jake_ Well, I'm going home. You coming, Ness?

_Nessie_ YOU BROKE MY WINDOW?!?!

_Jake_ No, Embry did.

_Nessie_ Ugh. Come on.

_Jake_ Owowowowow, Ear… Hurting.

_Nessie_ It's going to be more than your ear that's hurting if you don't come on and fix my window.

_Jake_ Yes, ma'm

_Nessie_ Yeah, that's what I thought.


	42. Alice Calls Jasper

_**I own nothing**_

_Ring ring_

"Hello?"

"Hi, Jazzy."

"Hi, Alice, hold on one second. SKYNARD!"

_Emmett_ "DC!"

_Jasper_ "LYNARD SKYARD IS THE BEST THERE IS!!"

_Emmett_ "ACDC!!!!"

_Bella_ Okay, guys, we all know Led Zeppelin is the best band in the history of bands.

_Jake_ Melissa Edthridge

_Edward_ She's not a band, moron.

_Bella_ Can I have the phone, Jaz?

_Alice_ Aloha, Bella

_Bella_ You're up to something, aren't you?

_Alice_ Me? Never. I just took Nessie, Esme, and Rosalie with me to go shopping and sent you, Jasper, Edward, Jake and Emmett to the lake at midnight for no reason.

_Bella_ Alice, don't…

_Sirens_

_Bella_ ALICE!

_Emmett_ Chill, Bells, I'm just speeding.

_Bella_ Yeah, smart, Emmett. The coast guard probably thinks we are just a bunch of drunk teenagers.

_Emmett_ Yep.

_Coast guard_ I'll need to see your papers please

_Coast guard 2_ I'm agent Mike Newton. I'll need to check your blood alcohol levels.

_Coast guard_ Woa.

_Mike_ What is it Tyler?

_Tyler_ Who does she look like?

_Mike _Holy cow. Bella Swan.

_Tyler_ You remember her, dude?

_Mike_ Hell yeah, boy.

_Edward smacks himself in the face._

_Jake_ What did this Bella Swan look like?

_Bella_ Jacob!

_Mike_ She was the third hottest girl in the entire school.

_Bella_ Really?

_Tyler_ You remember her ass?

_Bella_ EXCUSE ME?!?!

_Mike_ Yeah. Then Edward always seemed to glare at us after we began to think about it

_Bella_ There probably is a reason for that.

_Tyler_ Do you ever wonder how he knew?

_Bella_ He was a stalker

_Mike_ No.

_Bella_ And you wonder why I never went out with you.

_Jake_ I'm taking Edward was her boyfriend.

_Bella_ I have so many smart remarks to insert there.

_Edward is glaring at Jake_

_Tyler_ Yeah

_Bella_ You sound so intelligent

_Mike_ I HATED THAT BASTARD!

_Jake_ I know this guy named Edward. He's such a pain in the ass.

_Tyler_ do you remember his sisters?

_Mike_ Alice and Rosalie

_Tyler_ I used to fantasize about Alice, Rosalie and Bella.

_Bella_ GROSS!

_Mike_ All at the same time.

_Bella_ EW!!!! Ewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewew!!!!

_Alice_ OH MY GOD!!!

_Rosalie_ AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

_Jasper_ Okay, That's it.

_Emmett_ It's time to kill someone.

_Edward_ Two. Plural.

_Alice_ And I'm hanging up.

_Hangs up._


	43. Jacob Gets Bored and Calls Edward

_**I own nothing.**_

_Ring, ring._

"Hello?"

"I'M BORED!!!"

"You're skipping English, and Science, and Math, and History…"

"So?!?! Is school almost out yet."

"No, we're pulling up to the house for no reason."

"Why aren't you in the Volvo?"

"Something's wrong with it."

"I'll take a look at it for you."

_Bella_ I know the problem. It's old and slow. I'll get you a new one that can withstand tanks and nuclear missiles. Then, I'll pay Emmett to drive it off a cliff while it's filled with dynamite. That'll fix the dilemma.

_Edward_ Bella, I didn't…

_Bella_ You know did.

_Jake_ HI VAMPYS!!!!

_Nessie _Oh my god.

_Jake_ I'VE GOT EXCITING NEWS!!!

_Jasper_ Oh great.

_Edward_ I guess he isn't bored.

_Jake_ I never was bored!!!

_Bella_ I don't want to know.

_Jake_ WHO'S READY FOR…

_Rosalie_ Not extreme paintball, not extreme paintball

_Jake_ EXTREME EASTER-EGG HUNTING!!!!

_Edward_…

_Alice_…

_Jasper_…

_Bella_…

_Nessie_…

_Emmett_ I thought I was stupid

_Rosalie_ Ummmmmmm…

_Bella_ What?

_Edward_ That is about a 10 on the dweeb scale

_Nessie_ Why me? WHY ME?

_Jasper_ Well, let's give this a chance. How do we play extreme Easter egg hunting?

_Edward_ You do realize that it isn't even St. Patrick's day yet, right?

_Nessie_ Since when do we celebrate Easter?

_Rosalie_ Good question, Nessie.

_Bella_ Extreme Easter-egg hunting?

_Jake_ Yep.

_Bella_ Is it like extreme watermelon slicing?

_Edward_ What?

_Jake_ Maybe.

_Bella_ Damn it Jacob!! WHERE DID YOU HIDE THEM!!!

_Jake_ I don't know.

_Bella_ FIND THOSE EASTER-EGGS!!!

_Nessie_ Why?

_Bella_ BECAUSE IF WE DON'T FIND THEM WITHIN FIVE MINUTES, THEY'LL EXPLODE!!!

_Jasper_ We've already wasted four minutes and sixty seconds!!

_Alice_ NOT MY CAR!!!

_Emmett_ THE TV!!!!

_Edward_ FOUND ONE!!!

_Bella_ THROW IT A JACOB!!!

_**BBBBBOOOOOOOOMMMMM!!!!!!!**_

_Esme_ MY HOUSE!!!!!

_Jake_ Ow

_Esme_ CLEAN THIS UP!!!!!

_Leah_ Well, well, well, we pull up, searching for Jake and look what we find.

_Seth_ I see Jake has taught you extreme seventy-two-pick-up

_Embry_ Or was it extreme Frisbee?

_Bella_ Extreme Easter-egg hunting

_Quil _That's a new one.

_Esme_ CLEAN UP!!!!

_Jake_ Don't take my phone!!

_Esme breaks the phone_

NOW CLEAN THIS UP!!!!!


	44. I've lost count of Jacob calls Edwards

_**I own nothing**_.

_Ring, ring._

"Hello?"

"Hi."

"I don't like you. Go away."

"Sorry, can't."

"Esme says that you're banned from the house."

"Why?"

"The Easter-egg incident."

"Oh. That wasn't my fault."

_Bella_ Hi, Edward.

_Edward_ Hi, Bella. "Anyway, it was your fault. You were the one who… ummmmmm… hold on one second, Jake." Love, you do realize you're walking on the ceiling, right?

_Bella_ Of course I do! I know the difference between the ceiling and the floor.

_Alice_ Gosh, Edward. We aren't stupid, unlike some people.

_Jasper_ Why are you two walking on the ceiling?

_Bella_ Just to make you ask questions.

_Alice_ Ooooooo, nice comeback.

_Bella_ Thank you, I thought so, too.

_Jake_ "Edward!"

_Edward_ What?

_Jake _Have you seen Ness?

_Edward_ No I haven't. Why are you looking for…

_Nessie_ Have I mentioned lately that I hate my life?

_Edward_ Found her.

_Alice_ Way to just walk ion uninvited, Nessie.

_Nessie_ Yeah, no problem. Do you guys have any double fudge brownie ice cream?

_Rosalie_ Oh my god.

_Bella_ What happened?

_Alice_ NOT THE DOUBLE FUDGE BROWNIE!!!

_Jasper_ I threw it away yesterday.

_Nessie_ Not funny, Jasper. No one messes with my double fudge brownie ice cream when I'm having a bad day. NO ONE.

_Edward_ Jasper.

_Jasper_ Yeah

_Edward_ Back away slowly and you won't get hurt. Don't move to fast, though. She'll yell.

_Jake _ NESTER!!!

_Nessie_ Jacob, it would be in your best interests to shut up right now.

_Edward_ What did you do?

_Jake_ I DON'T KNOW!! ONE MOMENT I'M WATCHING SPORTS CENTER AND THE NEXT THING I KNOW I DODGING EVERY VASE WE HAVE IN THE HOUSE!!!!

_Nessie_ He knows what he did.

_Jake_ I do?

_Nessie_ Oh don't play stupid with me, Jacob.

_Jake_ I ain't playin'!!! Stupidity comes natural to me!!

_Nessie_ You got extra room up there on the ceiling?

_Alice_ Yeah.

_Bella_ Come on. There's always room on the ceiling.

_Alice_ So, what did he do?

_Nessie_ Well, he…

_Edward_ OH GOD.

_Bella_ Here we go.

_Edward_ THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE MENTAL PICTURE!!!

_Jake_ I look good in Nessie's thoughts, don't I?

_Edward_ NESSIE, PLEASE DON'T THINK ANYMORE!!!

_Alice_ The shield hasn't occurred to him yet, has it?

_Edward_ NO MORE MENTAL PICTURES!!!! PPPPLLLLEEEEAAAASSSSEEEE!!!

_Bella_ Apparently, not.

_Alice_ Edward, just hurry up and tell Jake to go to hell so that Nessie can eat her bowl to double fudge brownie ice cream on the ceiling in peace.

_Edward_ Go to hell, Jake

_Jake_ See you there.

_Hangs up._

_Nessie_ You know what?

_Bella_ What?

_Nessie_ I just now occurred to me that we are defying the laws of gravity.

_Alice_ Annnnnnnnn, screw gravity.

_Bella_ We're dead. Why would we care?


	45. Zafrina calls Bella

_**I own nothing**_

_Ring, ring._

"Hello?"

"Bella?"

"Oh my god. ZAFRINA!!!!!"

_Alice_ I HAVEN'T SEEN HER IN EIGHT YEARS!!!

_Nessie_ LET ME TALK TO HER!!!

_Zafrina_ Is that Nessie? She sounds so… old.

_Nessie_ Oh yeah, we'll talk about old when I'm three hundred years old but until then, I wouldn't be talkin' if I were you.

_Zafrina_ I see you two have done your job in teaching her snappy comebacks.

_Alice_ Of course we have.

_Bella_ What kind of mom would I be if I didn't teach her snappy comebacks?

_Alice_ The normal boring kind.

_Bella_ You see my point

_Nessie_ So, how have you been?

_Zafrina_ I'm good. Sena and Kachiri have found two American vampires and they drug us up to New York.

_Alice_ Oh, I feel so sorry for them.

_Zafrina_ What? They are the two happiest couples I have seen in my entire death. They are alone all the time. God, I need a man.

_Alice_ NO YOU DON'T!!!

_Nessie_ DON'T BE SO NEGATIVE!!!!

_Zafrina_ What do you mean?

_Emmett_ NOW EDWARD!!!

_Piano begins to play_

_Emmett(singing)_ Happy happy joy joy, happy happy joy, Happy happy joy joy, happy happy joy, Happy happy joy joy, happy happy joy joy, happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy joy joy joy!!!

_Jasper_ So…much… happiness… can't… take… much… more… THE AGONY!!!!

_Jake_ Nessie, have you ever thought about wearing a skirt while beginning on the ceiling!!!

_Jasper_ I AGREE!!! ALICE!! YOU SHOULD WEAR A SKIRT WHILE SITTING ON THE CEILING!!!

_Jake_ A very very very low cut shirt would work, too.

_Alice_ SEE!!!!

_Nessie_ THATS THE KIND OF… of… of…

_Bella_ What kind of word do you need?

_Nessie_ Another word for moron.

_Alice_ To the thesaurus!!!

_Bella_ Other word for idiot: blockhead, cretin, dodo, dolt, donkey, dope, dork, dumbbell, dummy, dunce, fathead, goon, half-wit, ignoramus, imbecile, jackass, knothead, moron, nincompoop, ninny, nitwit, numskull, pinhead, simpleton, stock, turkey

_Alice_ Related words: booby, fool, goose, loony, lunatic, madman, nut, zany; loser; gawk; featherbrain, scatterbrain; beast, boor, cad, churl, clown, creep, cur, heel, jerk, skunk, snake, stinker, villain

_Nessie_ Let's go with nincompoops.

_Alice_ No, pinheads would work better

_Bella_ Why do you guys hate your husbands so much?

_Alice_ Because like the other 99.9 percent of the male race, THEY'RE BLOCKHEADS!!

_Nessie _AND CRETINS!!!

_Alice_ AND DODOS!!!

_Nessie _AND DOLTS!!!

_Alice _AND DONKEYS!!

_Nessie _AND DOPES!!!

_Alice _AND DORKS!!!

_Nessie _AND DUMBBELLS!!!

_Alice _AND DUMMIES!!!!

_Nessie _AND DUNCES!!!!

_Alice _AND FATHEADS!!

_Nessie _AND GOONS!!!

_Alice _AND HALF-WITS!!!

_Jake_ Who wants to play extreme hopscotch!?!?

_Everyone in the house_ NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

_BBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!!_

_Long silence_

_Jake_ Nessie?

_Nessie_ Just go home, Jacob.

_Alice_ I'll get the double fudge brownie ice cream

_Bella_ I've got to go help clean up. Call you back, okay Zafrina?

_Zafrina_ Alright

_Bella_ Bye. Stay single!

_Zafrina_ YOU BETCHA!

_Hangs up._


	46. Nessie Calls Alice

_**I own nothing**_

_Ring, ring._

"Hello?"

"Hi, Alice!!! Guess what?"

"What?"

"You'll never guess!"

"Of course I'll never guess. I mean, it's not like I read the future or anything."

"Jake is taking me to the prom!"

"So he can actually do something right!!!"

_Bella_ I am soooooooooooooooo sorry, Nessie.

_Alice_ You are such an outcaste, Bella.

_Edward_ She may be an outcaste, but she's my outcaste.

_Alice_ Shut up, Edward

_Bella_ You're just jealous that my husband isn't a moron.

_Alice_ Show-off

_Edward_ Oh come on, Bella, you know you liked your prom

_Bella_ I hated it.

_Edward_ There must have been one thing you liked about it.

_Bella_ Oh, yeah. I remember now. Jake showed up.

_Edward_ Ugggggggghhhhhh, he tried to get you to break up with me.

_Bella_ But I didn't.

_Edward_ I really didn't like him being there. Hell, I don't like him hanging around here.

_Bella_ Well, if you had just eaten me in the first place instead of waiting you wouldn't have to deal with him right now.

_Nessie_ Hey, Bella?

_Bella_ Yeah.

_Nessie_ Have you heard of this book that all of the girls at school are crazy about?

_Bella_ What's the title of it?

_Nessie_ Something weird. Twilight, maybe.

_Bella_ No never heard of it.

_Alice_ Me either. How 'bout you, Jasper?

_Emmett_ Shhhhhhhhhh!!!!

_Jasper_ Hello, this is We-Kick-Ass, Inc. We got a call the other day.

_Emmett_ When would you like us to come over and kick your ass?

_Aro(other line)_ GO AWAY!!! HOW MANY TIMES ARE YOU GOING TO CALL US!?! WE DID NOT CALL YOU TO COME AND KICK OUR ASS!!!!

_Emmett_ Sorry, wrong number.

_Jasper(hanging up cell phone)_ What was that Alice?

_Alice_ Have you heard of this book called Twilight?

_Jasper_ No.

_Emmett_ We don't read.

_Edward_ I've read all four.

_Alice_ Really? Which one was the best?

_Edward_ Breaking Dawn.

_Alice_ Why?

_Edward_ My reasons will forever be known to me and me alone.

_Nessie_ Maybe I'll read it.

_Edward_ I don't think you would like it.

_Bella_ Would I like it?

_Edward_ Maybe.

_Jasper _I…

_Edward_ Don't say it.

_Jasper_ But…

_Edward_ Don't.

_Jasper_ Why, hello, Alice. _Starts talking seductively in Spanish._

_Alice answers seductively in Spanish_

_Bella_ Before your two start going at it, at least give me the phone.

_Alice _Here.

_Jasper_ Bye guys.

_Nessie _You know Jasper never does that randomly unless someone else in the room feels that way.

_Bella_ Well, Carlisle and Esme are a little loud upstairs.

_Nessie_ Well, they're always loud. I would have thought you guys would have gotten used to it by now.

_Bella_ Yeah, but… (_giggles_) Edward stop it, that tickles.

_Edward_ Never, I refuse.

_Nessie_ And that's my cue to hang up.

_Hangs up._

_Bella_ Finally.

_Edward_ I thought she would never stop talking.


	47. Alice Calls Bella, yet again

_**I own nothing. **_

_**Don't be surprised if I update everyday this week because in the very little town I live in, the school system decided we were going to have Easter break before Easter. YAY FOR SPRING BREAK!!!**_

_**Also, I made an executive decision. I will NOT quit phone calls if I don't get 1000 reviews by 50 chapters because standardize testing will start in about two months which means the reviews for it will start now. I have to have something to do in class besides doodle on the corners of my notes. So, phone calls will stay on until I run out of ideas.**_

_**READ IT!!!!!!: Question: I was thinking of writing a new fanfiction called 101 things that Stephnie Meyer would have never put in Twilight. There will be things like Charlie catching Edward in Bella's room; Edward really being able to read Bella's mind even though he tells her he can't so he enjoys hearing her thoughts about him; Edward coming home the first day Bella's at Forks High and saying "I'VE READ HER MIND AND SHE'S ONTO US!!!! SHE KNOWS WE'RE VAMPIRES!!!!";etc. Would you guys read it? I don't even know if I'm going to write it yet. If you like, I could put a chapter in after phone calls to see if you would like it our not. Review your answer PLLLLLLEEEEEAAAAAASSSSEEEEE!!!! :)**_

_Ring, ring._

"Hello?"

"Watcha doin'?"

"Reading."

"Reading what?"

"Twilight?"

"Really?"

"Yep."

"I sense anger."

"Oh yeah."

"It's okay."

"But this is soooooo accurate. How the hell does this Stephanie Meyer person know who we are and what I'm thinking?"

"Ha…well…you see… that's a very funny story…"

"Alice? Is there something you would like to share with the class?"

"Nope."

"Alice."

"Okay, okay. I'm Stephanie Meyer!!"

"Really."

"Yeah, it's a penname. I was running out of money to shop with. So, I wrote a book series I knew would make millions about a person I know like the back of my hand."

"So considering what's in this book, I am right guessing that…"

"Yeah."

"Oh my god, I'm going to kill him."

_Jasper_ Edward!!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!

_Edward_ Why?

_Jasper_ BELLA READ TWILIGHT!!!

_Edward_ Oh my damn.

_Spooky noise. House goes black with smoke._

_Grim Reaper _Edward Cullen, I have come for your soul.

_Edward_ AHHHHHH!!!!

_Bella_ Oh, come on, Andrew, I really wasn't going to kill him.

_Grim Reeper_ Yeah, but gave me an excuse to come see you again.

_Bella_ Awwwww… that's so sweet.

_Nessie_ Have you guys seen… HAY! It's Andrew!

_Edward_ Andrew?

_Nessie_ Yeah.

_Edward_ You know the angel of death by name?

_Bella_ And his husband, Steven, who is the grim reaper on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Sundays.

_Andrew_ Oh, Nessie, avoid steps tomorrow.

_Nessie_ Will do.

_Edward_ So the grim reeper is gay?

_Alice_ And he has an excellent sense of fashion.

_Nessie_ Any way, as I was saying before, has anyone seen the mustard? I need it for a ham sandwich.

_Emmett_ NOT THE HAM!!!!

_Andrew_ Like, OMG, MUSTARD!!!

_Jasper_ Oh dear god.

_Edward_ That's kinda creepy.

_Jasper_ We're just going to avoid him and Steven for the rest of eternity. Good bye.

_Edward_ I have one question though, how do you guys know him so well?

_Bella_ Well, there was the first day I walked into Forks High, James, Alice taking me shopping for the first time, you leaveing me…

_Andrew_ She died inside.

_Bella_ Whatever, hmmmmmm…, jumping off a cliff, Victoria, Nessie, and this is not including to fact that I slipped and fell on everything possible when I was human.

_Nessie_ And I'm clumsy, too.

_Alice_ I'm pulling in the driveway, be right there.

_Hangs up,_


	48. Jacob Calls Edward, 70s style

_**I own nothing. This is based on the American seventies considering I know nothing about the 1970's in other countries. I'm even sure this is accurate.**_

_Ring, ring._

"Hello?"

"Hi."

"I haven't heard from you in a while."

"Really? I thought I called you last Tuesday."

"No, you haven't called me in a month. It's a bloody freakin' miracle."

"Ummmmm… I forgot to check my calendar. But, I did check it yesterday and I found that I forgot St. Patrick's day."

"I noticed. I didn't get pinched."

"Two days from now is April Fool's day."

"Great."

"We must do something!!"

"Uhhhh… no."

"YES!!! WE MUST!!!"

"Again: Uhhhh… no."

"Come on, it would be fun."

_Alice_ As I was saying, Bella, Thursday is 70's day.

_Nessie_ 70's day?

_Rosalie_ It's when you dress up in outfits from the 70's

_Bella_ Really? Um.

_Alice_ You borrow should some of my old stuff.

_Bella_ No offense, Alice, I can't fit into your clothes.

_Alice_ Are you calling me fat?

_Bella_ No, I'm calling you short.

_Alice_ You're so shortist.

_Bella_ Shortist?

_Alice_ It's like racism against short people.

_Bella_ I am not shortist.

_Edward_ Emmett, don't say it.

_Emmett_ Say what? I wasn't going to say anything.

_Edward_ You were thinking it.

_Emmett_ Well, I think a lot of things I don't say out loud.

_Edward_ Like what?

_Emmett_ Well, like the fact that I think that Rosalie is a dumb blonde.

_Rosalie_ EXCUSE ME!?!?!?!

_Emmett_ Oh, shit. I'm just going to… run for my life. AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

_Rosalie_ GET BACK HERE YOU MORON!!!!!!

_Alice_ Anyway, I think you should steal some of Rose's clothes.

_Bella_ I don't think so. It's probably all pink. I'll take some of Esme's.

_Esme_ Come on, let's go raid the closet we have full of old clothes.

_Alice_ Alright.

_Jake_ Are they out of the room?

_Edward_ Yep.

_Jake _I think we should throw a big joke on the girls.

_Emmett_ AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

_Edward_ Watch where you're running, Emmett.

_Rosalie_ GET OUT OF MY WAY!!!!!

_Edward_ No, I don't we should throw a prank on the girls.

_Jake_ Why not?

_Edward_ They have blackmail material.

_Jake_ What do you mean?

_Bella_ OH MY GOD!!!!!

_A bunch of female laughter._

_Alice_ LOOK AT THAT HAIR!!!

_Bella_ DO THOSE SHOES HAVE GOLDFISH IN THEM?!?!?

_Esme_ YEP!!!!

_Alice_ Esme, remember this?

_Esme_ What is it?!?!

_Alice_ EMMETT'S LIME GREEN JUMPSUIT!!!!!

_Edward_ See?

_Bella_ ARE THOSE SEQUINS!?!?!

_Alice_ UUUNNNNNNN- HHHHHUUUUUUUUHHHHHH!!!!!

_Squeals_

_Jake_ I am so sorry.

_Alice_ Bella, take a look at this.

_Bella_ Oh my god.

_Laughter_

_Bella _EDWARD!!!!

_Edward_ Damn.

_Jake_ What?

_Edward_ They found it.

_Jake_ Found what?

_Edward_ They found _it_.

_Jake_ WHAT!?!?!

_Edward_ My old one-piece denim jumpsuit.

_Jake_ HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

_Edward_ Go to hell.

_Jake_ I'll see your there. Bring your jumpsuit!!!!

_Edward_ Bastard.

_Hangs up._

_**The following is a possible chapter for 101 things Stephanie Meyer would never put on Twilight.**_

_Edward POV_

Bella has fallen asleep. The only negative thing about having a human as a girlfriend: she sleeps. Emmett and Jasper are two lucky bastards.

_Ugh, what time is it? Great. It's one-thirty. Can't sleep._

Great, Charlie's awake. He'll fall back asleep shortly. I shall hum to myself.

_Can't sleep. I might as well go check on Bella._

Oh, shit. Of all nights to let Bella fall asleep in my arms. Wake her up, or get caught. Wake her up, or get caught. Wake her up, get caught. Wake her up, get caught. And the door slowly opens. Quick! Close your eyes!

_Ahhhh, Bella. She is so pretty. Why did she have to catch the eye of Cullen? I mean seriously, she could have done better. Maybe Jacob._

HA! You wish. I'm way cooler.

_Oh well, back to bed. Wait a minute. One, two. Why am I seeing double? Two Bellas?_

Yeah, you eye sight sucks. Go away now. Bye-bye.

_Bella number two doesn't look like Bella. Is that… HOLEY COW!!! THE WINDOW'S OPEN!!!_

Awwwwww, shit. Charlie turns on the lights, wakes up Bella, who squirms trying to cover her eyes, and falls off the bed. "I'm okay."

"Bella!!!" I yell as she hits the floor.

"HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE!?!?!" Charlie yells at me. Well, it may seem that I am sleeping with your daughter, but I'm not. I can't sleep, sorry. However, I want to have sex with her but being a gentlemen I agreed to wait until marriage which SHE hasn't told you about yet. "GET OUT!!!! OUT OUT OUT OUT!!!"

"I'm leaving, I'm leaving."

"DAD!!" Bella yells.

"You are so grounded, missy." Missy? She's nineteen, you moron!!!! My future father-in-law ladies and gentlemen.

I wink at her has I jump out the window. I'll be back when Charlie goes back to bed.

_The next morning…_

I walk in the house of Charlie Swan and he is sitting at the table. "Edward, come here."

"Yes, sir." I answer politely.

"Were you in Bella's room last night?"

"No."

"That was a very vivid, then."

"What dream?" I ask innocently.

"Never mind."

_The end :o_


	49. Alice Calls Bella, once again

_**I own nothing.**_

_Ring, ring._

"Hello?"

"Bella?"

"Who do you expect, the muffin man?"

"Is Edward in the room?"

"Not yet."

"Good, then we have time to plot."

"Oh god."

"We have to do something for April Fool's Day."

"No. No, no, no. Absolutely not."

"Why not?"

"Because."

"Oh, come on, Bella. You know that the boys are going to do something."

"No, they aren't."

"How do you know?"

"Ummmmmm… because Edward and I actually talk to each other."

"Ugh, talking. Who has time for that?"

"Yeah, I know. The nerve of talking to the man you're married to. Who has ever heard of that before?"

"Sarcastic, little?"

_Edward (closing door)_ Hello, love.

_Bella_ Hi. Alice is plotting again.

_Edward_ What is it this time? Hiding all of Emmett's clothes while he's in the bathroom except a ballerina costume and waiting on the front lawn with cameras and a pair of decent clothes always works well.

_Bella_ I remember that. Do we still have those pictures?

_Edward_ It's on Jacob's "Cullen Wall of Shame"

_Alice_ It's a good idea, but so unoriginal.

_Bella _Use Edward's old jumpsuit instead.

_Edward_ Hay, leave me out of it.

_Alice_ Yeah, maybe. But I was thinking more of…

_Emmett(intercom) _Emmett Cullen please report to the flat screen. Emmett Cullen, report to the flat screen, please. Thank you.

_Bella_ OOOOkkkkkkaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy.

_Alice_ How does she put up with him?

_Edward _Since when did we put in an intercom system in?

_Bella_ Good question.

_Edward_ He didn't even disguise his voice.

_Alice_ Weirdo.

_Rosalie (intercom)_ Emmett Cullen, you are an absolute moron, Emmett Cullen.

_Emmett (intercom)_ Hello, I would like to order a Diet Water, please.

_Rosalie (intercom)_ Emmett, put the microphone down.

_Emmett (intercom)_ Would you like fries with that?

_Rosalie (intercom)_ Have you lost your damn mind!?!?!

_Edward_ I'll be right back.

_Bella_ Where are you going?

_Edward_ To destroy the intercom system.

_Alice_ Make sure it's not the Japanese alloy.

_Edward _Shut up.

_Alice_ Well, Bella, what were you doing when I called you?

_Bella_ Making sure Emmett didn't screw up the family bills this month.

_Alice_ And how is that going?

_Bella _Well, on the memo fields he put on "For smuggling puppies through the American airport system."

_Alice_ Puppies?

_Bella_ Yeah. I'm surprised the FBI hasn't come after him yet.

_Emmett (intercom)_ No, Edward, you can't destroy the intercom system. It's made of the Japanese alloy. You aren't smart enough to find out how to dissemble it.

_Edward (intercom)_ And this is coming from the guy who screams "I WIN!!! I WIN!!!" at the ATM.

_Rosalie (intercom) _And the guy who runs out of the zoo yelling "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!! THEY'RE LOOSE!!!"

_Emmett (intercom)_ I do not…

_Emmett_ ESME!!! EDWARD BROKE THE INTERCOM SYSTEM!!

_Esme_ THANK YOU EDWARD!!!!!

_Edward_ No problem, Esme.

_Bella_ So have you come up with anything ingenious yet for April fools?

_Alice_ No, I'll think of something.

_Bella_ Well, you only have one day left.

_Edward(closing door)_ I wonder sometimes why we stay around here.

_Bella_ Because you know Jacob would follow us just to tick you off and you couldn't handle him by yourself.

_Edward_ Well, there's that.

_Alice_ Have you seen Nessie today?

_Bella_ Nope.

_Alice_ Do you know where she is?

_Bella_ Shopping, I think. Oh, nope, sorry. Edward's scowling in the corner. She must be with Javob.

_Alice_ You mean Jacob.

_Bella_ I said Jacob.

_Alice_ No, you Javob, with a "v".

_Bella_ Ummmmm… oops.

_Edward_ I think it's time for Alice to hang up.

_Bella_ Bye, Alice.

_Hangs up._

_Alice(rubbing hand together)_ This gives me a wonderful idea. A wonderfully AWFUL idea. MWHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! MWAHAMWAHAHAHAHA!!!

_Jasper_ What are you laughing about?

_Alice_ Nothing, absolutely nothing.

_Jasper_ RUN FOR THE HILLS!!! ALICE IS UP TO SOMETHING!!!!

_Everyone in the house_ AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!


	50. Jacob Calls Nessie, again

_**I own nothing.**_

_Ring, ring._

"Hello?"

"Shhhhh!!!!!"

"FINALLY! Where are you?"

"Hiding."

"From who?"

"Alice."

"Why?"

"Because."

"Because why?"

"It's April Fool's Day."

"Oh, come on, Jake, she isn't going to do anything."

"Yes, she is."

"You and all the guys are over reacting."

"Really? All of the guys?"

"Well, Bella and Edward have decided to skip April Fool's Day this year and hide all day in their room, but other than that, all the guys are hiding."

"I have every right to hide."

_Alice (intercom)_ Jacob Black, please report to the kitchen, Jacob Black.

_Jake_ No, this is it… GOOD BYE CRUEL WORLD!!!!

_Jasper(intercom)_ Alice, do you really have to annoy everybody in the intercom?

_Alice(intercom)_ Yes. Hay, I FOUND YOU!!!

_Jasper(intercom)_Yeah, that's great. How did you fix it anyway?

_Alice(intercom)_ Fix what?

_Jasper(intercom)_ The intercom system.

_Alice(intercom)_ Oh, that. Edward didn't break it, he just unplugged it.

_Edward_ DON'T SAY IT, JASPER!!!!

_Nessie_ Well, I see two people who finally decided to show their faces today.

_Jasper (intercom)_ I wasn't going to say it!

_Emmett_ THE INTERCOM'S WORKING!!!!

_Rosalie_ No, it isn't.

_Emmett_ Really?

_Rosalie_ No, not really.

_Emmett(intercom)_ GIVE ME THE MIC!!!

_Alice(intercom)_ NEVER!!!!

_Emmett(intercom)_ Clean up on isle three.

_Bella (intercom)_ OH MY GOD!!! DO YOU TWO EVER THINK OF GIVING US A MOMENTS PEACE!?!?

_Alice (intercom)_ No.

_Emmett(intercom)_ Would you like fries with that?

_Bella(intercom)_ Emmett, go annoy Rose or something.

_Emmett(intercom)_ ROSE!!!

_Rosalie_ Thanks, Bella.

_Bella(intercom)_ No problem. Alice you have to chill out with this April Fool's thing.

_Alice(intercom)_ I wasn't going to do anything. I just take a laugh in watching them being scarred out of their wits.

_Bella(intercom)_ So you weren't going to do anything?

_Alice(intercom)_ Nope.

_Bella(intercom) _You do realize they just heard you, right?

_Alice(intercom)_ Damn.

_Jake_ So we don't have to be afraid of our own shadows now!!

_Nessie_ No, you don't have to be afraid of your own shadow now.

_Jake_ I'm so happy, I think I'll eat a cookie.

_Ropes snapping._

_Jake_ Not again.

_Edward _I thought you said you would never trust a cookie again.

_Alice(intercom)_ APRIL FOOL'S MORON!!!

_Bella (intercom)_ I would like all TNT to be put in the back yard so I can make this intercom system explode.

_Emmett _ Check under the couch.

_Jake_ Will someone let me down?

_Everyone in the house_ No.

_Rosalie_ Alice, if you get the goose feathers, I'll get the boiling pit of tar.

_Alice_ Okay.

_Jake_ Wait, no! I LIKE BEING UNTARRED AND UNFEATHERED!!!

_Alice_ A little to the left.

_Rosalie_ Right there?

_Alice _Perfect.

_Nessie_ I'll be there in five minutes to save your skin, Jake.

_Jake _Thanks.

_Hangs up._


	51. Someone Calls Someone, I wonder

_**I own nothing.**_

_Ring, ring._

"Hello?"

"Hi, is this Rock'n'Slash?"

"Yes, this is Rock'n'Slash."

"I would just like to say that I bet you thought this was the second chapter for today and you were so excited because twice a day is so rare, right?"

"Well, yeah."

"APRIL FOOLS!!!!!"

"MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!"

_Hangs up._


	52. Guess who calls Bella

_**I own nothing.**_

_**I don't have enough ideas for 101 Things Stephanie Meyer would never put in Twilight, so I'm not going to write it. BUT if I get an idea, I will put it at the end of a phones call, like this one.**_

_Ring, ring._

"Hello?"

"Bella?"

"No, it's Kelly Clarkson."

"Really?"

"No. Alice, I think Emmett has given you the disease where you slowly loose your brain cells day by day."

"Whatever. You remember that device I put in Jasper's phone that records all of his calls?"

"Yeah."

"Well, there's a good one in here and I think you should listen to it."

"Okay. Can we listen to it while I'm on the phone?"

"Yeah sure. I'm hitting the play button. I'm going to skip through the introduction."

"Whatever. Just hurry up."

_Jasper(recording)_ What Alice did to you, Jake, was pure bloody freakin' genius.

_Alice_ I agree.

_Jake(recording)_ It was mean.

_Emmett(recording)_ So? We have to put up with that kind of stuff every day. Well, Edward doesn't. Lucky bastard.

_Edward(recording)_ Well, if you weren't a moron, you wouldn't have to put up with it.

_Emmett(recording)_ What do you mean?

_Edward(recording)_ Well, take Jasper and I, for example. We've got the charm.

_Jasper(recording)_ The looks.

_Edward(recording) _The charisma

_Jasper(recording)_ The personality.

_Edward(recording)_ That's what charisma means.

_Jasper(recording)_ Oh.

_Edward(recording)_ The only difference is, Jasper's an idiot and I'm not.

_Alice_ I think you make him feel good about himself.

_Bella_ I know. Egotistical, little?

_Alice_ I know. And so self-centered, both of them.

_Bella_ That's what egotistical means, Alice.

_Alice _Well, I'm sorry I don't read dictionaries for fun.

_Bella_ I don't read dictionaries for fun.

_Alice_ What do you read, then?

_Bella_ I just finished The Other Boleyn Girl.

_Alice_ Ugh. History. Boring

_Bella_ But this is good, juicy history.

_Alice_ Oh, yeah, how?

_Bella_ It's about a girl who got married at thirteen and when she was fourteen, the king of England, who was married at the time, started to go after her. Then, they slept together.

_Alice_ And how old was the king?

_Bella_ Late twenties.

_Alice_ I see. That doesn't freak you out at all?

_Bella_ Jasper fifty years older than you.

_Alice_ Touché.

_Rosalie_ What are you guys talking about?

_Alice_ The Other Boleyn Girl.

_Rosalie_ Great book. Didn't the king dump her for her sister after she had given him two kids?

_Bella_ Yep. You want to know something even cooler?

_Rosalie_ What?

_Bella_ It all really happened.

_Alice_ GASP!!!

_Rosalie_ And Carlisle was born in the era.

_Alice & Bella _GASP!!!!!

_Carlisle_ What are you gasping about?

_Rosalie, Alice & Bella _GASP!!!!!

_Carlisle_ Edward?

_Edward_ It would be in your best interests not to ask, Carlisle.

_Carlisle_ Why not?

_Alice, Rosalie, & Bella_ GASP!!

_Edward_ Well, they were gasping about you, now their gasping because they're bored.

_Bella, Alice, & Rosalie_ GASP!!!

_Esme_ They were gasping about Carlisle? GASP!!!!

_Nessie_ Esme just gasped! _GASP!!!_

_Nessie, Alice, Esme, Bella & Rosalie _GASP!!!

_Alice_ By, guys. Everyone in the mall is looking at me like I've lost my mind

_Nessie, Bella, Esme, & Rosalie_ G_ASP!!!_

_Hangs up_

_**Here's that thing I told you I would put at the end of the chapter. Enjoy. :)**_

_**What should have happened when Jacob kissed Bella.**_

_Edward POV_

That smells good. Follow the scent of lion. God, I am thirsty. Why don't you just stay still? It would be a lot more easier to kill you if you just stay still.

My Jake-is-doing-something-that-will-make-me-want-to-kill-him senses are tingling. Oh, shut up, senses. I'm hunting here. Leave me alone. I hate you Jake. Wait, Bella's with Jake. Hmmmmm… nope. I think I need to eat this lion first so I don't feel the need to eat Bella.

Ummmm… where did it go? There's the scent. MWHAHAHAHAHA!!! Hello, helpless little mountain lion. I found you. Again, MWHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

NOOOO!!! Stupid phone. Shut up! Oh, there it goes. Good bye, lunch. "What?"

"God, Edward. Rude, little?"

"Alice, you chased lunch away."

"Well, sorry. I thought you'd just like to know that Bella's at our house brushing her teeth furiously. What did you do?"

"I didn't do anything."

"Jake senses?"

"Yep. How do you brush your teeth furiously?"

"Good question. I don't know. She won't talk to me without taking the brush out of her mouth and I can't understand her."

"I'll be right there." What has she done this time?

_Later, in the Volvo._

Good song. Who is it? Aerosmith. Cool. I must find my Aerosmith CD. And, of course, my phone is ringing again. Oh, will you shut up? SERIOUSLY! You are so annoying! "Hello?"

"What did you do to Jacob?" It's Sam.

"ME!?!"

"No, Embry."

"I didn't do anything to Jacob."

"How do I know that?"

"Because if I did, I would have spray-painted 'Edward was here' on the wall. And, all the bones in his body would be broken."

"Well, he's knocked out."

"Really? COOL!"

"What!?! That's not…"

"Good bye, Sam." WHAT DID SHE DO!?!

_Later, at the Cullen House_

I walk in the house and Bella is brushing her teeth, very hard. "Ummmmm… Bella?" I ask.

"Oh, thank God," she answered, "You have every right to kill Jacob." YES!!!! "And the bike, burn it." THANK YOU!!! Wait, but be cool. Don't get too excited. She'll be mad at you later.

"That's immoral. Sorry. I would LOVE to kill him though. What did he do?"

"He kissed me." …

…

…

cricket

…

…

…

You know, I think I will kill him.

"Then I hit him with a baseball bat because I figured if I hit him with my hand I would break it." …

…

…

…

AWESOME!!!!! "I love you."

"Yeah, I know."


	53. Nessie Calls Bella, yet again

_**I own nothing**_

_Ring, ring_

"Hello?"

"Hi."

"You're depressed, aren't you?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"Taxes."

"Oh. We need something to cheer everybody up because Jasper isn't doing a very good job."

_Alice(intercom)_ Goooooooooooooooood morning Cullen household!

_Nessie_ At least Alice is happy

_Edward_ I thought you hid it.

_Bella_ I did.

_Alice(intercom)_ Everyone is in horrible mood today!! We need something to cheer us up. No help from Jasper, though.

_Jasper_ So… much… paperwork.

_Nessie_ I wonder what she is going to do.

_Edward _Run for your life.

_Bella_ I'm scared to death.

_Alice(intercom)_ Don't worry. Be happy! CoughJASPERcoughcough

_Esme_ I'm going to go hide the silver.

_Bella_ Yeah, you better.

_Alice(intercom)_ Today is switcher-roo day!

_Emmett_ Uhhhh, what??

_Alice(intercom)_ Now, let me explain this. You are going to dress up as whatever I assign you. It will be the exact opposite of your personality.

_Carlisle_ And I suddenly have a very important surgery to attend. Good bye everyone.

_Esme_ NOOOO!!! DON'T LEAVE ME WITH THESE OBNOXIOUS HIGH SCHOOLERS!!

_Carlisle_ Ooops, I'm ten minutes late. I've got to run.

_Door closes_

_Esme_ You're kidding me.

_Alice(intercom)_ As I was saying ESME, I'm assigning everyone a character. Number one: Jasper.

_Jasper_ I'm scared.

_Alice(intercom)_ You get to be a hippie.

_Jasper _WHAT!?!?! I'M NOT GOING TO BE A HIPPIE!!

_Emmett_ I'll go get you some weed.

_Alice(intercom)_ It's ok, Jazzy, the Beatles were hippies.

_Jasper_ Not the Beatles!

_Alice(intercom)_ Ok, then, Edward was a hippie.

_Bella_ WHAT!?!

_Edward_ I WAS NOT A HIPPIE!!!

_Alice(intercom)_ Excuse me. I meant to say Disco King.

_Nessie_ I want pictures!

_Bella is laughing hysterically_

_Edward_ I WASN'T A DISCO KING EITHER!!

_Alice(intercom)_ But you will be.

_Edward_ NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Nonononononono NO!!

_Bella_ Come on, Edward. Be a good sport.

_Emmett_ Yeah, be a good sport, Edward.

_Alice(intercom)_ Emmett, you get to be a Harvard Professor.

_Emmett_ WOOHOO!! I GET TO BE SMART!!

_Edward_ The world is coming to an end.

_Alice(intercom)_ Nessie, you get to be a stripper.

_Nessie, Edward & Bella_ WHAT!?!?!

_Jake_ YES!!

_Alice(intercom)_ Oops, typo. That definitely says Bella.

_Jake_ Damn.

_Nessie_ Thank God.

_Bella_ Hahahahahahahahahaha. NO

_Edward_ Come on, Bella. Be a good sport.

_Bella(glaring)_

_Alice(intercom)_ She is soooooo glaring at you, isn't she?

_Edward_ Yep.

_Bella_ I've got an idea.

_Rose_ What?

_Bella_ Let's all assign Alice hers.

_Alice(intercom)_ Hay, hay, hay. I didn't say anything about me.

_Rose_ What about a fashion disaster?

_Bella_ I was thinking more down the hobo line

_Alice_ NO I REFUSE!!!! I WILL NOT--

_Your call has been dropped. Please try again later. _


	54. Jake Calls Edward

_**I own nothing.**_

_Ring, ring._

"Hello?"

"Hola, vampy."

"Have you lost your mind?"

"No, I know where it is."

"Well, I suggest you go get it."

"But I don't wana."

"Why?"

"Because it's under the bed with all of the shards of lace I've been too lazy to pick up."

"Thanks for the mental pictures, Jacob."

"No problem."

_Alice_ Hello, Cullens Has everyone participated in switcher-roo day?

_Jasper _Yep. Can I go back to being depressed now?

_Alice_ Go ahead. I know Edward's been Disco King.

_Disco King_ Not the finest moment of my existence.

_Alice_ Bella?

_Bella_ No Bloody comment.

_Alice _ Edward?

_Edward_ What?

_Alice_ Did she do her job?

_Edward_ Ummmmmmm…

_Bella_ Edward, you have the right remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you.

_Edward_ I plead the fifth.

_Alice _I'm holding you under contempt of court.

_Bella_ We'll just skip the country.

_Edward_ Fine with me.

_Alice_ I'm guessing that would be a yes. Are you on the on the phone with Jake?

_Edward_ No, Alice, I'm just scowling for no reason.

_Alice_ Ask him if he was normal for the day.

_Edward_ Jake?

_Jake_ I was. AND IT WAS SO BORING!!! To become strange again, I had to have a fifteen minute conversation Quil on cupcakes, nuclear wars, and beagles!!

_Edward_ And how does that work?

_Jake_ I don't know.

_(door closes)_

_Bella_ CARLISLE!

_Carlisle_ HOLY SHIT!!! Bella, don't sneak up on me while you're on the ceiling.

_Cullen household_ …

_Carlisle_ What?!?

_Bella_ Hmmmmmm… sorry?

_Edward_ Did…

_Jasper _Carlisle…

_Alice_ Just…

_Jake _Cuss?

_Rosalie_ I think I felt gravity just shift.

_Alice_ Esme, what are you doing?

_Esme_ Scanning through Revelations.

_Alice_ Why?

_Emse_ Checking to see if the phrase "and the honorable shall swear" is in here.

_Rosalie_ God, I hope… _*ring*_ I've got to take this call.

_Jake _ALICE!! I FOUND CARLISLE!

_Alice_ Really? I had no idea.

_Jake_ Well, now you do.

_Alice*blink*_ Aaaannnnnnnnnnyyyyyyywwwwwwaaaaaaayyyyyy Carlisle, you get to be Michael Meyers.

_Carlisle_ The comedian?

_Alice_ No, the mass murderer from Halloween.

_Jasper_ One day swearing, the next a mass murderer.

_Edward_ You disgust me.

_Alice & Bella_ GASP!!

_Rosalie_ YOU DID WHAT!?!?

_Silence_

_Rosalie_ Oh my god. Alice, we have to go pick up Emmett from jail.

_Alice_ Why?

_Rosalie_ I'll explain on the way there.

_Edward_ What did you call me for, again?

_Jacob_ I don't know.

_Hangs up._

_**Emmett's day. Emmett POV**_

In my new distinguished suit and funny hair-style, I walk confidently into Harvard Law. If I am assigned to be a Harvard professor for switcher-roo day, then Gosh-darn it, I'll be a Harvard professor. "Good morning, class," I say, walking into the room. "Open your books to page 294."

One of my students raises her hand. "Where's Professor Lupin?"

"He is …occupied." He is stuffed in a closet bound with rope. :) "Today we are going to learn about triangles," and I draw a triangle on the board. My highly important, well-learned Harvard students look at me like I have lost my mind. I point to the board and say "This is a triangle, which you should have learned in grade school."

"But, sir," the little-miss-know-it-all says again, "This page is on the frontal lobe of an alligator's brain."

"Your point, Miss…" Not that I care.

"Cameron. But what does that frontal lobe have to do with triangles?"

"Look at the page number." Many raise their eyebrows. "Go on." The faces turn to the corner of the book. "Subtract ninety." Pencils move quickly. "Take away the zero." People look at me. "I swear, people in Harvard think they know everything." The students begin to fume. "Now switch the two digits."

"That's 42." Cameron's getting on my nerves. A LOT.

"No shit, Sherlock." The Bitch (that's Cameron's name) looks appalled.

"But what does that have to do with triangles?" An Asian girl says from the back of the class."

"Absolutely nothing whatsoever, 42 is just my favorite number." I am stared at crazily. "As I was saying, this is a triangle."

A man raises his hand in the back. "Mama says that's a circle."

"Well, I really don't care what Mama says." I say this because I really really REALLY don't care what Mama says.

"Butbutbut, MAMA SAYS…"

"Hayyyyyyyyy," someone in the front row says, "That _is_ a circle."

"That is a triangle. Now, as I was stating…"

"Noooooo…" the Bitch starts "That is a circle."

"THAT IS A TRIANGLE!!"

"And this is advanced psychology!" another says, "Not Geometry!"

"IT IS GEOMETRY IF I SAY IT IS GEOMETRY!!" I am standing, GLARING, at the Bitch who dares to take her phone out. "What are you doing?"

"Calling the police."

"Why?"

She turns to the guy sitting next to her. "Hit me." So, the guy pulls his fist out and punches her in the eye. "Owwwwww… why did you do that Professor?"

"I didn't…"

"How many people just saw Professor Moron just hit me?" And, of course, all the hands in the room shoot up. Great. I am sooooooooooo grounded.


	55. Jasper Calls Alice, again

_**I own nothing.**_

_Ring, ring._

"Hello?"

"Hay, Alice."

"Oh, hay Jazzy."

"Where are you?"

"At the mall. Why?"

"Well… it's nine o'clock at night and everybody's about to retreat to their rooms and I'LL BE ALL ALONE!"

"No you aren't."

"Yes, I am."

"No, you aren't. Nessie's here with me so Jake must be with you."

"Jacob doesn't count, Alice. Only things with brains do."

_Edward _YES!'

_Jake_ You're so rude.

"Yep."

_Nessie_ Hay, Alice. Look at this.

_Alice_ Woa. Let's try it out.

_Jasper_ Try what out?

_Alice_ A psychic.

_Jasper_ …

_Bella_ You've got to be kidding me.

_Nessie_ Fifty dollars for a mindreading and hundred for a future telling.

_Alice_ Let's do it. I've always wondered what it feels like for your mind to be read.

_Edward_ What?

_Alice_ Yeah.

_Bella_ I bet you're going to get your future told, too.

_Alice_ Yep.

_Nessie_ Whatever

_Jasper_ You're really going to waste your money on that?

_Alice_ No, silly. It's your credit card.

_Jasper shakes head._

_Edward_ I told you not to give it to her for Valentines day. But NNOOOOOOOOOOOO you didn't listen to the mind reader, did you?

_Jasper_ Shut up.

_Psychic Lady_ Cash only.

_Alice_ Damn. I'm getting low on cash. Only a hundred. I guess I'll take just the future telling.

_Psychic Lady_ Give me your palm.

_Alice _You look like Whoopi Goldberg.

_Nessie_ Who's Whoopi Goldberg?

_Bella & Alice_ GASP!

_Nessie_ What?

_Bella_ You've never seen Ghost?

_Nessie_ No.

_Alice_ With Patrick Swayze?

_Nessie_ No. Who's he?

_Bella_ You know, that is the first time I have ever felt old.

_Alice_ You just wait until girls don't remember who clippers were.

_Rose_ Those scandalous little…

_Bella_ Who?

_Alice_ Exactly.

_Psychic Lady_ I need complete silence!

_Alice_ Sorry.

_Psychic Lady_ Your palm says you will stay young for a very long period of time.

_Alice _REALLY?

_Jasper_ Oh my god.

_Alice_ I'LL BE PRETTY FOREVER!!

_Nessie_ Alice, you already knew that.

_Bella_ Ask her what I'll have for lunch next Tuesday.

_Psychic Lady_ A grizzly bear.

_Alice_ What's the weather going to be like?

_Psychic Lady_ What did the weather man say?

_Alice_ PHONEY!! I KNEW IT!!

_Hangs up._


	56. Jake Calls Edward, again

_**I own nothing, except the story at the beginning. Also, Rock'n'Slash's dad is an AWESOME guy who isn't usually like this. He was just in one of his very seldom bad moods. However, SHE thought it was funny. This one will be very long because it has all of my brewing ideas are pilled into one. ENJOY.**_

_Ring, ring_

"Hello?"

"Sup', vampy?"

"The sky. I haven't heard from you in a while. Where have you been?"

"Well, Rock'n'Slash's dad grounded her because she disobeyed him on purpose (but it was supposed to be a joke, he didn't take it to well), so she couldn't get on the computer."

"Why?"

"Because he was sitting on his butt in front of the television and he asked her to fix his coffee for him and then she was all like "You are a grown man. Get your own coffee." Then he glared at her so she said "Yes sir." He then proceeded to give her specific instructions on how to make his coffee. So, instead of putting a little bit of sugar in it, she put A LOT of sugar in it. He then told her it was to sweet and she was all like "oops, I'm sorry" in a very sarcastic way and she got grounded. But it was all worth it just to see his face pucker at the sweetness."

_Music (Greensleeves)_

"Uhhhh, Edward?"

"Hmmmmm… what, sorry, I wasn't listening."

"Yeah, I can tell."

_Emmett_ Hay, Esme, watcha reading?

_Esme_ The last book that I know of in the "Bloody Jack" series by L.A. Meyer, so go away.

_Emmett_ Let me see that.

_Esme_ Give it back, Emmett.

_Emmett_ I'm just going to flip to random pages and read them.

_Jasper_ That's going to take a while, Esme.

_Esme_ Great. It was getting good, too.

_Silence_

_Rosalie_ Edward, I like that. What's it called?

_Jake_ That would be "What Child is this". Why the hell are you playing that? It's Christmas music.

_Edward_ For your information, dog-boy, it's called _Greensleeves_

_Bella_ Well, I like it. It sounds like something you would write. Even if you didn't.

_Edward_ Yeah, I like it, too.

_Jasper_ Didn't you write it?

_Edward_ Uhhhhh…

_Alice _Did you know that according to Wikipedia, _Greensleeves_ was written for a prostitute?

_Nessie spits Coke Zero through her nose._ Hahahahahaha!!!!

_Jake_ TOO MUCH INFO!!!

_Bella_ Is there something you would like to share with the class, Edward?

_Edward_ No, because I didn't write it, _JASPER_ and YOU knew that.

_Jasper_ Of course, I did. I just enjoyed…

_Emmett_ HOLY COW!! Everybody listen up.

_Rosalie_ You haven't been paying any attention to this conversation, have you?

_Emmett_ Duuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh…

_Alice_ Rose, I'm glad you have such an intelligent husband.

_Rosalie_ Well, YOUR husband is on a quest to find out why he and his 'brothers' lost the bloody American Civil War.

_Jasper_ I WILL find out.

_Bella_ Get over it. It was over 150 years ago.

_Jasper_ Damn Yankee.

_Emmett_ Are you going to listen?

_Edward_ Whatever

_Esme _Emmett, give me the book.

_Emmett_ Shut up, Esme. Okay, listen "'Weee… Oooop!! Look at me! I can spit farther, piss higher and fart louder than any man jack on this river!!!! WEEEE… OOOOOOOPPPP!!'" Esme, I am disappointed in you.

_Rosalie_ Esme, what is wrong with you?

_Edward_ Hay, Jake, that character sounds as perverted as you.

_Jake_ You are soo… What the hell is this Nessie?

_Nessie_ That would be celery.

_Jake_ Aka, chick food.

_Nessie_ It is NOT chick food.

_Jake_ Excuse me, Rabbit food. What else it in here? _(throwing things out of the refrigerator)_ Miller light…

_Jasper_ What else is in that, Emmett?

_Jake_ Sugar free jello…

_Emmett_ Uhhhh… OH Here's one. "'I would have bragged more about my legendary poweress in splitten' sheets and tearin' mattresses with purty little thangs like yourself.'"

_Jake_ Lettuce…

_Jasper_ I am appalled, Esme, just APPALLED!!!

_Nessie_ Jake, stop throwing things out of the fridge.

_Bella_ Leave Esme alone. It's a good series.

_Jake_ What the hell is Essssssss-caaaaaarrrrr-gooooots?

_Alice_ You mean escargot?

_Jake_ Yeah, what vampy said.

_Edward_ That would be French for snails.

_Jake_ I ain't eatin' that shit.

_Nessie_ JACOB!!

_Jake_ What?

_Nessie _Language!

_Jake_ FINE. I'll change my language!!! _Je ne mange pas cette dunette!!_

_Rosalie_ Does anyone speak German?

_Bella_ I think that's French.

_Edward_ He said "I am not eating that poop" in a dirtier way.

_Nessie_ Ugh.

_Jake Vous m'avez dit que changer ma langue, ainsi moi a changé ma langue!!_

_Edward _You told me to change my language, so I changed my language.

_Nessie_ Speak English!!

_Jake_ Is that… Noo… it can't be… It IS… ZERO SUGAR OREOS!!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!

_Alice _I'm going to change clothes. This is boring me.

_Bella_ I'll help you pick it out.

_Alice_ Thanks.

_Bella and Alice go to Alice's very large, walk-in closet upstairs._

_Jake_ MY OREOS!!!

_Nessie_ Jacob, chill. It's just cookies.

_Jake_ Just cookies? JUST COOKIES!!! SO I GUESS THIS IS JUST ICE CREAM THEN!!!

_Nessie_ Put the double fudge brownie down, Jacob.

_Jake_ Fine, I'll put it down. _Drop kicks it out the window._

_Nessie_ MY ICE CREAM!!!!

_Alice(through the closed door)_ Bella, I have Just realized that one boob is bigger than the other one.

_Jasper _I HAVE.

_Bella_ Now that I think about it… One of my boobs is bigger than the other.

_Alice _I know. It's weird, isn't it?

_Emmett_ Huh. I wonder if…

_Edward_ I'm hanging up to spare everyone reading this a scarring for life.

_Hangs up._


	57. Coach Calls Coach?

_**I own nothing**_

_**ATTENTION: I need help for the sixtieth phone call! I need weird and wacky phrases only said in certain regions. If you live in an area and use a phrase often and when you go somewhere totally different and say it people look at you like you have lost your mind, tell me about it! I would like the region (Southern UK, Northeastern US, West Netherlands, etc) and what it means. I would also need the phrase (duh).**_

_**EX**_

"_**Getten' up with the chickens" Southern United States: to get up really early; Rock'n'Slash**_

_**HELP IS APPRECIATED!! **_

_**Enjoy :) **_

_Ring, ring_

"Hello?"

"Coach Green, we have an issue."

"What would that be?"

"Every single member of the Cullen Clan is in our PE class this semester."

"We do have a predicament here. To avoid student injury, we will have to pair them together for all of our activities."

"I agree with you completely."

"Put the Swan twins together."

_Jake_ What?

_Edward_ Bella and Nessie, genius. Keep running.

_Jake_ Yeah, okay, but they aren't…

_Edward_ Yes they are.

_Jake _Ohhhhhhhh, because they look so much alike, right… oops.

_Edward_ Moron

_Coach Brown_ That leaves Ms. Cullen and Ms. Hale.

_Coach Green_ To much of a height difference. That won't work. Put the brown-haired one with Ms. Cullen and the bronze-haired one with Ms. Hale.

_Bella_ I am so glad we are worthy of names.

_Nessie_ I know, right?

_Coach Green_ Don't put Mr. Black and Mr. Cullen together, though. Mr. Black drives Mr. Cullen crazy at random moments in time and they get into a fist fight.

_Coach Brown_ I've never seen it happen before.

_Coach Green_ The Swan twin with the brown hair shot Mr. Cullen a weird look and he turned around to argue with her then he decided against it. Later, the other Swan twin and Mr. Black were walking by and she told him he was sleeping on the couch.

_Coach Brown_ That's not weird at all.

_Jake_ IT WAS HORRIBLE!!!

_Edward_ Shut up.

_Emmett_ Let's play dodge ball, Jasper.

_Jasper_ Yes, let's. But with ORANGES!!

_Emmett_ WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

_Girls in gym_ ARHHHHHHHHH!!!

_Coach Brown_ Mr. Cullen!!!

_Edward_ What?

_Coach Brown_ Not you, the other one. Mr. Hale! Stop throwing oranges at the Volleyball team!

_Coach Green_ We definitely can't put those two together.

_Bella and Alice_ CHEESE ANYONE!?!

_Nessie and Rosalie_ OF THE NACHO VARITY!?!?

_Boys in gym_ ARHHHHHHHHH!!!

_Coach Brown_ I need backup, Green. Stop pelting cheese at the baseball team!!

_Coach Green blows whistle and silence occurs._ Everybody in their spots.

_Coach Brown_ We have made four teams that are REQUIRED everyone else can chose their partner. Questions?

_Coach Green_ Mr. Cullen

_Emmett _What are we playing?

_Coach Brown_ Badminton.

_Alice and Bella_ WE SHALL REMAIN UNDEFEATED!!

_Jasper and Emmett_ Eat my shorts.

_Alice _Put a rubber hose up your nose.

_Jasper_ Chill out, babe.

_Jasper and Emmett_ We're just two wild and crazy guys.

_Rosalie_ Well isn't that special?

_Jake_ Nessie!! You gots some 'splainin' to do.

_Nessie_ Did I do that?

_Edward_ Homey don't play that.

_Alice and Bella_ Kiss my grits.

_Coach Green_ Okay… teams: Alice Cullen and Jasper Hale; Nessie Swan and Jacob Black; Bella Swan and Edward… where did they go?

_Alice_ Who?

_Coach Brown_ Ms. Swan and Mr. Cullen, I saw them five minutes ago.

_Emmett_ No you didn't.

_Coach Green_ Yes, I did. Mr. Cullen just said 'Homey don't play that' and Ms. Swan said 'Kiss my grits' Where did they go?

_Jake_ Oh, the horrible mental pictures.

_Coach Brown_ Ms. Swan, go find your sister while the rest of us play badminton.

_Nessie_ I ain't doing that

_Coach Brown_ Go, Ms. Swan.

_Jake(devilish smile)_ I'll go with her.

_Coach Brown_ Whatever, just find them.

_Coach Green_ Have you realized that we are standing right next to each other on the phone?

_Coach Brown_ No, I haven't.

_Hangs up._


	58. Guess who calls Bella, again

_**I own nothing**_**.**

_Ring, ring._

"Hello?"

"Hola, friend."

"You got my email."

"OF COURSE I DID!! LOVED IT!!!"

_Rosalie_ What are you two talking about?

_Alice_ An email that Bella sent me that she got from Jacob, who got it from Quil, who got it from Claire, who got it from her friend Kelli, who got it from her boyfriend, Josh.

_Rosalie_ You mean the jackass in the popular group who thinks he's worthy of sleeping with every girl in the school?

_Bella_ The same. Now, we have his email!!

_Alice_ BLACKMAIL!!!!

_Rosalie_ Well, what was the email about?

_Bella & Alice_ FRIENDSHIP!!

_Alice_ But Bella put a vampy twist on it. Listen

_Email:_ _None of that 'Sis'-sy Stuff  
_ Are you tired of those **sissy** 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close **to reality?** Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of **True Friendship****.** You WON'T see **cutesy little smiley faces** on this card- Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.  
**  
1.** When you are sad, I'll go find Jasper and tell him to get happy or I'll wack him with a samurai sword like a spider monkey jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!

**2.** When you are blue, I'll make sure to tell you that most humans aren't a shade of indigo and you won't fit in very well.

**3.** When you smile, I will know you are plotting something naughty that I must be involved in. Either that, or Jasper's suddenly happy because I threatened him.

**4.** When you're scared, we'll go to the corner, wait for the thing that's scaring you to come by ad yell "FEAR OUR VAMPIRE AWESOMENESS!!!"

**5.** When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining, ya big baby!!!!

**6.** When you are confused, I will use little words like when I talk to Emmett.

**7.** When you are "sick" (aka, claim you're sick), I'll yell at your closed bedroom door "Just because you have an Algebra test doesn't mean that you can skip ALL of school. I CAN'T GLARE AT HUMANS BY MYSELF!!" (unless it's Edward)

**8.** When you fall, I'll say, "And you thought I was clumsy."

This is my oath... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask;  
-- because you are my FRIEND!

Friendship is like hunting, everyone can see it, but only **YOU** can feel the true warmth.

Try sending this to **10** of your closest friends ... including the person who sent this to you ... Then, get depressed 'cause you can only think of 3

_Rosalie_ I didn't get that email.

_Alice_ And what does that tell you?

_Bella_ Ooooo… burn.

_Nessie_ Hay, Dad?

_Edward_ Yeah?

_Nessie _What do you want for Father's Day?

_Edward_ Nothing.

_Nessie_ Really? I wanted to get you something.

_Edward_ Okay. Divorce Jacob.

_Nessie_ Well…

_Jake_ I'm hurt Nessie.

_Nessie_ Well, I wouldn't think about if someone hadn't drop kicked my ice cream out the window.

_Jake_ Whatever

_Nessie_ No, Edward, I will not divorce Jake.

_Edward_ Damn.

_Nessie_ What else?

_Edward_ World Domination.

_Nessie_ Oh. Okay

_Opens Door_

_Jasper_ Where are you going?

_Nessie_ I'm going to go take over the world. Anyone want to help?

_Emmett_ Neah, I'm good.

_Jasper_ Have fun.

_Alice_ I'll help!

_Nessie_ We need a game plan.

_Alice_ Take over the US, China, Russia, and North Korea. They have the most nukes.

_Bella_ I'll meet you guys in DC. We can't kill anyone, though.

_Alice_ YES WE CAN!!

_Bella_ NO WE CAN'T!!

_Nessie_ We just can't kill anybody who can be missed.

_Alice_ Like Ricky Bobby!

_Nessie_ Who's he?

_Alice_ SEE?!?!

_Hangs up._

_Bella(sarcastically)_ I am just sooooooooo proud.


	59. Carlisle Calls Esme, 101 things!

_**I own nothing.**_

_Ring, ring._

"Hello?"

"Esme?"

"OH, THANK GOD!! A SANE PERSON TO TALK TO!!"

"Ummmm, Esme, darling, the kids are at school."

"No, Carlisle, yesterday was the last day of school. They are ALL home."

"Really? I don't understand why that's bothering you. You would think that they would be…"

"Carlisle, what do they always do in summer?"

"Play pranks on each other, have annoying conversations, the guys bet, the girls yell; the norm."

"Yep. At home."

"Oh. I'm sorry, sweetheart."

"Thank God for Bella and Edward. I don't know where I would be if they weren't sane."

_Jasper_ Hay, has anyone seen the new "New Moon" t-shirt?

_Emmett_ I have

_Edward_ No. _(quiet for a moment)_ Bella, how come I can't read their minds?

_Bella_ They paid me.

_Edward (continues to go through the mail)_ Great.

_Jasper_ So, Emmett, describe what it look like.

_Emmett_ Okay, so it's a pic of Edward, Jake and Bella.

_Edward_ Perfect. I can tell which way this is going. I'm going to ignore you all now, so you just ignore me.

_Jasper_ Okay. Anyway, Bella's arm is n Jacob's, Jacob's back is to Edward, even though he's glaring at him and Edward's over their looking dejected and ticked all at the same time. Tons of angry and confused vibes coming off of it.

_Emmett_ So, we are going to narrate. Jasper is Edward, Rose is Bella, and I am Jake.

_Jake_ YOU AREN'T WORTHY OF BEING ME!!!

_Everybody_ Oh, shut up Jake.

_Jasper_ So, here we go. _(in Edward character)_ Yo, man, you stole woman. I am ticked off.

_Emmett_ Edward isn't that ghetto.

_Jasper_ Emmett, do I need to slap you?

_Emmett_ Nope. _(in Jacob character)_ HELL YES!! Free game, buddy-boy, you left her.

_Jasper_ To save her life, but noooooooooo she has to be friends with a wolf. So much safer, after all.

_Rose_ Two dudes are fighting over me. I'm going to mess with both of their minds. WOO-HOO!! And I WILL be a vampire one day.

_Jasper_ Bella, love, seriously? Are you out of your mind?

_Rose_ Alice said…

_Jasper_ I DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHAT ALICE SAID!! YOU ARE NOT…

_Emmett_ No, I want to know what Alice said.

_Jasper_ Here we go.

_Rose_ Alice said that one day we will get married and I'll get pregnant then Jake will imprint on the kid…

_Jasper_ Like THAT would ever happen.

_Emmett_ (twitch)

_Rose_ I bet it will.

_Emmett_ Imprint on your kid? That's SICK . You know the things we could have done while Edward was gone…

_Nessie(choking)_

_Edward (stops sorting mail and stares out into space) _

_Bella & Jake (stares at each other)_

_Bella_ Gross

_Jake_ Excuse me while I barf.

_Edward_ Why did I know that that was coming?

_Alice_ I have a random piece of trivia for yall!!

_Emmett_ Yall?

_Jasper_ Southern talk's contagious.

_Alice_ Anyway, who knew that Zac Efron (Rock'n'slash doesn't know how to spell his name if so if she spelled in wrong, don't be mad) was supposed to be Edward instead of Rob Pattison?

_Bella_ YUCK!!!

_Edward_ I look way better in Rock'n'Slash's mind as it is now. Multiply Zac by ten and you wouldn't even be close to how good I look in her mind.

_Bella _Thank you, Rock'n'Slash, thank you.

_Esme_ Do you see what I mean?

_Carlisle_ Anyway, I called you to tell you I would be late tonight. Bye.

_Hangs up._

_Esme_ WHAT!?!

_**101 Things Stephanie Meyer Would Never put in Twilight**_

"_**What Should Have Happened When Bella Found Out Jake Imprinted on Nessie"**_

_**(Part is from Breaking Dawn) **_

"Jazz, Em, let us through. Bella's got this."

"Edward, the risk—" Jasper said.

"Minimal. Listen, Jasper—on the hunt she caught the scent of some hikers who were in the wrong place in the wrong time…."

I heard Carlisle suck in a sharp breathe. Esme's face was full of concern mingled with compassion. Jasper's eyes widened, but he nodded a tiny bit, as if Edward' words answered some question in his head. Jacob's mouth moved into a distinguished grimace. Emmett shrugged as Rosalie watched the child struggle in Alice's arms. Alice's face remained neutral.

Everyone turned and was completely absorbed in Edward's heroic tale of how I, single-handily, turned around. Only Alice and Renesmee (spelling???) seamed unmoved. I slowly inched toward them and no one else noticed. Within the minute, I had my daughter in my arms. Only Alice and I knew. Or so I thought. I caught Edward wink quickly at me when he paused for a breath. I mouthed the words "Thank you".

"Everyone calls her Nessie for short." Alice told me as images flashed across my mind. Nessie was telling me about her day. I kissed her on her forehead.

"That's nice," I replyed. "Jacob imprinted on her, didn't he?" Alice and I played with her as we talked. She was sooooooooo cute. And she was mine. That is, until Jake gets a hold on her.

"Yeah. Choice one or two?"

"I haven't decided yet. Torture is immoral but threatening him may not last very long."

"Torture it is." I love Alice. She is so cool.

"Ummmm…" I heard from Jake. "Has anyone noticed that the newborn has the baby?" With that, Nessie disappeared from my arms. Rosalie held her tightly.

"Rose, can I have my baby back please?" I said holding my arms out.

"No," Jake shot out.

"Okay, look," I said approaching Jacob, "Just because you imprinted on her doesn't mean that you get hold MY baby whenever you want to. Also, I died for her. Why do you think I would eat something that I died for? Does she smell delicious to you? Uhhhh, I think not."

Every stared at me dumb-founded while I took Nessie from Rose. I placed her head on my shoulder. I heard her stick out her tongue as we walked away. "She is SUCH as Cullen," Alice said as we walked to the secret door behind the couch.

"I told you she was fine," Edward grumbled. I keyed in the numbers in the pad.

"Hay, you can't—" Carlisle protested as we opened the door to his collection of machines. "How the hell—"

"Carlisle!" I said shocked, "Language!! There's a baby in here for Pete's sake! Oh, and it's not that hard to figure out the code. It's your birthday. Not so original." Alice pushed out the boiling pit of tar as I was talking.

"Go get the feathers, Bells. I got the chains," she said, walking past Jake, "Oh, and ummm, the green samurai sword is mine. I got the blue one for your birthday. I guess you can have it early."

"Cool. Comon, Jake," and I grabbed his ear after I gave Nessie to Edward.

"Owowowowowowowowow…" I pulled him through the door while he was whining.

"You just wait until Edward gets a hold of you in ten years."

"Why in ten years?" he said, now upside down, over the tar, and wrapped in chains so that he can't escape.

"Well, the way I see it, Nessie will be full grown by nine, maybe eight years from now. She'll have the body of say, a twenty-year-old. You being the pervert you are, you're going to take advantage of the fact." I walked up to him and looked him straight in the eyes. "I'll tell you right now, Jacob Black, I will NOT stop Edward when he tears you limb from limb when he finds out that you are sleeping with his ten-year-old daughter. It'll be up to her to save your life." I took the baseball bat and whacked him really hard, like a piñata.

"OUCH!! I liked you better when that didn't hurt!!"

"Since when does Bella play baseball?" Jasper asked. Edward was a stone next to him. I think what I said about the Jacob sleeping with Nessie thing just hit him.

I stopped hitting Jake for a moment. "Jasper, I'm surprised. I thought you knew that baseball was the American past-time." He smirked and I turned back to Jacob. "That's for breaking my hand." WHACK!!! "Edward didn't break your jaw when you kissed me but now, I CAN!!" WHACK!! "This is for…" and I felt a tap on my shoulder.

Edward stood there with his hand out. "Can I have a whack?" I handed him the bat. WHACK!!

"She has kept her calm amazingly well," Carlisle observed.

"She's doing great," Esme agreed.

_The end._


	60. Jake Calls Edward, yet again

_**I own nothing. The thing about the regional phrases I WILL USE but not in this one. Sorry :(**_

_**P.S.**_

_**I don't mean to offend anybody. Sorry if I do.**_

_Ring, ring._

"Hello?"

"Did you hear?"

"Hear what?"

"Okay, listen 'Do to the fact that Michael Jackson was 99% plastic, he will be melted down into legos so that little boys can play with him.'"

_Emmett_ HOW DARE YOU TAKE THE NAME OF MICHAEL JACKSON IN VAIN!!

_Jasper(valley girl voice again)_ He was, like, the King of Pop. Ha, God Jacob! SERIOUSLY!!

_Emmett_ I know right? I mean who can – Wait, were you mocking me?

_Jasper_Nope not me. Who would even think that the Lynard Skynard fan would mock Michael Jackson?

_Emmett_ Well, in that case—MICHAEL JACKSON RULED!! THE MOONWALK!!!! SERIOUSLY!!

_Jasper_ I can't do the moonwalk.

_Edward_ I don't think any of us can.

_Alice_ OHHHHHHHHHH!!! LOOK AT US!!

_Bella _Moonwalk IN stilettos ON the ceiling. WE RULE!!!

_Alice_ HECK YEAH!!

_Jasper_ How do they do that?

_Edward_ I don't know.

_Nessie_ What's the moonwalk?

_Everybody_ GASP!!!

_Jake_ It's a dance that goes like this… (does the moonwalk)

_Edward_ So why did you call me if you were already in the house?

_Jake_ Because…

_Emmett_ I LOVE MICHAEL JACKSON!!!

_Rosalie_ That wasn't random at all.

_Bella_ I hate Michael Jackson.

_Jake_ I know, right?

_Alice_ Yeah, I don't really like him that much either.

_Edward_ I used to like him.

_Jasper_ Yeah, then he got white.

_Edward_ Yep.

_Nessie_ I'm not that crazy about hi… Wait, who's Michael Jackson?

_Alice_ …

_Jasper_ …

_Edward_ …

_Bella_ …

_Rosalie_ …

_Carlisle_ …

_Esme_ …

_Jake…_

_Nessie_ So, who is he?

_Alice _You've never heard 'Beat it'?

_Nessie_ No

_Bella_ What about 'ABC'?

_Nessie_ Nope

_Rosalie_ Didn't he also write that song about his pet rat?

_Bella _Don't know.

_Jasper_ You've never heard of the black pop singer who bleached himself white?

_Esme_ Is that really what happened?

_Jasper_ Don't know. Don't care. All I know is that he once was alive and black and now white and dead.

_Rosalie_ So you haven't heard of the pop star/child molester?

_Emmett_He was never proven guilty!

_Edward_ Emmett, shut up. Everyone knows he did it.

_Emmett_ Did what?

_Alice _He just beat it. Beat it.

_Nessie_ No I haven't heard about that.

_Bella_ Well that doesn't surprise me. I was only four at the first incident.

_Edward_ Really? I was eighty-three.

_Jake_ I was two.

_Edward_ Your mindset hasn't changed much, has it?

_Alice_Oooooooo, burn.

_Nessie_ Again I say, WHO THE HELL IS MICHAEL JACKSON!?!

_Emmett_ WHAT TYPE OF PARENTS ARE YOU?!?!

_Bella_ The busy type.

_Emmett_ Doing what?

_Alice_ …

_Jasper_ …

_Edward_ …

_Bella_ …

_Rosalie_ …

_Carlisle_ …

_Esme_ …

_Jake…_

_Emmett_ Never mind.

_Alice_ Anyway… Michael Jackson was a pop star. A really weird one.

_Bella_ We have no respect for the dead.

_Jasper_ Yeah. It's because all of our friends are dead. Who respects friends?

_Emmett_ Or wives.

_Edward_Ummmm, I do. I'm also in my own bedroom every night and NOT in the dog house.

_Jasper & Emmett_ SHUT UP.

_Rosalie_ What are we going to say when Brad Pitt dies or Tom Cruise?

_Jasper_This is what I'll do. (goes to the couch and starts jumping on it) I'M DEAD, OPRAH!!! WOO-HOO!!!

_Edward_Emmett and I will probably call Brad Pitt an idiot again. Who leaves Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolee (spelling error?)?

_Alice_ Brad Pitt.

_Jake_ Oh, hi there, Edward. I didn't realize you were standing right next to me.

_Edward_ I told you that in like the twentieth line of this phone call.

_Jake_ Really?

_Edward_ Yeah.

_Jake_ I bet those readers out there just scrolled up to count.

_Edward_ What?

_Jake _Uh?

_Edward_ Hum?

_Jake_ Duuuuuuhhhhhhh…

_Edward _Intelligent.

_Jake_ Huh? What are we talking about?

_Edward_ Go to hell.

_Jake_ See you there.

_Hangs up._

_Jake (standing next to Edward)_ Hello again Edward.

_Punch._

_Jake_ OW! MY NOSE!!

_Jasper_ I smell blood.

_Everyone_ JASPER, NO!!! (attacks Jasper)

_Jasper_ I wasn't going to eat him.

_Everyone except Edward_Ooops.

_Edward_ Damn.

**_I need help peeps!!! If SNL was to make fun of Twilight, who would play who? I need you opinion!!!_**

Should I write a fanfic called "Michael Jackson: Pop Vampy on the Run"?


	61. READ THIS!

Dear readers of this fanfic, the author is taking a vacation and told me to "tell" you the following.

She will be back in sometime around a week. She's sorry but it's a family vacation so there's not much she can do about it. The vacation starts tomorrow. I [Kat] am totally awesome and that if anybody has seen a muffalo they need to know that it wasn't a bear or a beaver or a fish- it was a muffalo. Thank you and good rest of your life. KAT OUT! PEACE!


	62. Alice Calls Bella, a new story included

_**MESA BACK!!!! YAY!!!**_

_**I own nothing and am sorry if I offended anyone in the last chapter.**_

_Ring, ring._

_  
_"Hello?"

"Okay, one last question."

"Ugh, Alice."

"Oh, come on. Please?"

"Whatever."

"YAY! Okay, so, Johnny Depp or Orlando Bloom?"

"Orlando."

"Really? I like Johnny better."

"Of course YOU would like Mister tall, dark and creepy."

"I'm not commenting. Patrick Dempsey or Patrick Swayze?"

"Swayze, definetly."

_Edward_ You know, we would be murdered for this type of talk.

_Jasper_ I know, right?

_Alice _Did you hear something, Bella?

_Bella_ No.

_Alice_ All righty, then. Rob Pattison or Taylor Lautner?

_Edward_ You have GOT to be kidding me.

_Bella_ Ummmmmm… That's a toughy.

_Edward_ Perfect. That's bloody PERFECT!!

_Alice_ I KNOW.

_Bella_ Now that I think about it…

_Edward_ I knew you would see the light.

_Bella_ Taylor Lautner.

_Edward_ …

_Silence._

_More Silence._

_Even more Silence._

_WAY more Silence._

_Further Silence._

_Additional Sil-- _

_Edward_ WHAT!?!?!?!?!

_Jasper (rolling in laughter) _Can't… breathe…

_Edward_ I'll be right back.

_Jasper_ Where… are… you… going…?

_Edward_ Going to beat up Jacob.

_Bella_ Why?

_Edward_ YOU JUST—Ugh, never mind.

_Slams door._

_Alice _Is he gone?

_Bella _Yep.

_Alice_ WE ARE PURE BLOODY GENIUS!!!

_Bella_ YES!!! Let's laugh evilly.

_Alice_ Yes, let's. MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

_Bella_ MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

_Nessie_ S'up peeps?

_Alice_ Hi, Ness.

_Nessie_ Jacob!! I brought dinner!!

_Jacob_ Kinda busy defending myself right now!!! Be right there!!!

_Nessie_ I understand he probably did something stupid but stop beating up Jake, Dad.

_Edward _Stupid dog.

_Jake_ What did you bring?

_Nessie_ KFC.

_Jake _Cool. _Digs through bag._ Nessie, this isn't KCF.

_Nessie_ It says so right here on the box.

_Jake_ This is Kentucky Grilled Chicken, not FRIED chicken.

_Nessie_ Yeah, they sell that now.

_Jake_ What?

_Nessie_ Yep.

_Jake_ THE YANKEES HAVE TAKEN OVER KFC!!!

_Jasper_ What have the Yankees done?

_Jake_ Taken over KFC.

_Jasper_ How dare they mess with the Southern Man's Chicken!!!

_Jake_ THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!!!!

_Jasper_ DAMN YANKEES!!!! I'M GONA—wait, I don't eat chicken. Why do I care?

_Jake_ BECAUSE THEY ARE YANKEES!!!

_Bella_ Jacob, you are from Washington. Washington is in the northwest corner of the US. You are NOT from the South.

_Jake_ Soooooo…

_Bella_ You ARE a Yankee.

_Jake_ NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

_Edward _Moron.

_Bella_ I've got to go do something.

_Alice_ Do what?

_Bella_ Ummmmmm…

_Edward_ Apologize.

_Bella_ Exactly

_Alice _Oh. Well, then, have fun apologizing.

_Bella_ Bye.

_Hangs up._

_**The trip I was on was a bus trip through the Boston, Cape Cod area in Massachusetts. There are a lot of interesting (and strange) things there. If you have been to Provincetown, you will know what I mean. I live several hours away from Massachusetts and I got bored on the bus. So what did I do? I wrote. In a notebook. I put the Cullens in the same bus trip as me (but they are starting in a different state). :)**_

_**Be prepared. This is gona be good.**_

_**(Cullen living room)**_

_Esme_ I've got a surprise for everyone!!!

_Emmett_ Is it a puppy?

_Jasper (sarcastically)_ Ah, yes, I've always wanted a puppy.

_Edward (sarcastically)_ And you've done so well with the cat.

_Midnight _ Meow.

_Emmett_ AH!!!

_Bella_ Well, if you hadn't ate her we wouldn't have to deal with her.

_Emmett_ I was hungry

_Jake_ DON'T SAY THAT!!! It's okay, Midnight, Bella's just being rude.

_Edward_ A werewolf's best friend is a vampire kitty. Ironic

_Esme_ AS I WAS SAYING, I have a surprise.

_Alice_ Esme, we've all been to Boston.

_Nessie_ I haven't.

_Esme_ That's why we are going.

_Bella_ Ugh.

_Edward_ What?

_Bella_ Hotel rooms.

_Edward_ Oh. Ugh.

_Esme _That's okay, we aren't staying in hotels the first night. We're riding the entire first night.

_Emmett _AW, HELL NO!!!!

_Jake (spits out coke)_ BULL SHIT!!!!

_Jasper_ BITE MY SPARKLY WHITE ASS!!!!!

_Edward_ EXCUSE ME?!?!?!

_Alice_ I GREATLY PROTEST!!!

_Carlisle_ HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND WOMAN?!?!

_Bella_ NO!!! I REFUSE!!!

_Nessie_ LOVELY!!!!! JUST BLOODY LOVELY!!!!

_Rosalie (silently)_ thank you, God._ (Emmett glares)_ I mean NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

_Esme_ Oh, can you guys really not go that long without—

_Everybody_ YES!!!!!

_**To be continued…**_


	63. Jasper Calls Emmett Cullen Bus Trip

_**I own nothing.**_

_Ring, ring._

"Yellow."

"Emmett, yellow is a color."

"Nu-huh, yellow is a greeting."

"Aye-yi-yi."

"That's Mexican."

"Whatever."

"I'm bored."

"Yeah, me too."

"Whatcha wana do?"

"I don't know."

"Why don't we… Well, hiya Ed—"

_Edward_ Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

_Jasper_ You hiding from Bella?

_Edward_ I don't hide from Bella.

_Emmett _Who are you hiding from, then?

_Jasper_ Probably Jake.

_Edward_ Shhhhhhhhh, no. I don't hide from Jake. I simply avoid him for long periods of time.

_Jasper _Uhhhhhhhh, that's called hiding

_Edward_ No, it's not. It's called averting excessive annoyances.

_Emmett_ Well, excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me.

_Jake_ Yellow, Edward.

_Emmett_ See? It IS a greeting.

_Jake_ What are yall doing?

_Jasper_ Well, I'm flipping through the channels and talking to Emmet on the phone.

_Jake _But isn't Emmet on the other side of the room?

_Jasper_ What?

_Emmett_ Hi, Jasper!!!!

_Jasper_ Oh, hi, Emmett!!!

_Edward_ Morons_._

_Jake_ Edward!!! I didn't notice you there.

_Edward_ I'm sitting right next to you and you said 'yellow, Edward' about ten lines up and then you asked me what I was doing.

_Jake_ I did?

_Edward_ Yeah, you did.

_Jake_ Oh, okay then, what are you doing?

_Edward _I'm—

_Emmett_ He's 'averting excessive annoyances'.

_Jake_ Oh. I didn't know you were hiding from me.

_Edward_ I am NOT hiding.

_Jake _Whatever

_Emmett_ Wait, go back.

_Jasper_ You wana watch 'The Universe'?

_Emmett_ Yep

_Edward_ I saw the one on parallel universes.

_Jake_ I did, too. I've come to two conclusions. #1: Physicists are on crack. #2: Physicists are on LSD.

_Edward_ I think it's both.

_Jake_ I agree.

_Jasper_ Why do you say that?

_Edward_ One Physicist said that our universe was a bubble in a big sea of universal bubbles and that when the universes collide, another universal bubble appears.

_Jasper _Poof.

_Jake_ And in other universes, there are people just like us living the exact same lives.

_Edward_ That means there is more than one Jake. Oh dear god.

_Jake _MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

_Emmett_ That's some deep…

_Alice_ Jasper, honey give me the remote.

_Jasper_ What?

_Alice_ DO IT!!

_Rosalie_ Nester, Bells, Daisy of Love is on!!!!!

_Bella _Move over Jake.

_Thud_

_Jake_ Ow.

_Bella_ Hi, Edward

_Edward_ Hello, love.

_Emmett_ It's YELLOW.

_Bella_ What's yellow?

_Rosalie_ Who do you want to win?

_Bella & Nessie_ 12 pack/Dave.

_Alice_ Really? I like London.

_Rosalie_ I like Flex.

_Jasper_ I like Daisy.

_Alice_…

_Jasper_ I'm in trouble, aren't I?

_Alice_ Big time.

_Hangs up._

_**The Cullen Bus Trip. Mwhahahahaha!!! (it's at the end of every chapter, if you missed it. The story started at ch 61)**_

_Esme_ Get on the bus.

_Alice_ Why couldn't we just drive our own babies?

_Jake & Nessie_ Like the Harleys.

_Bella_ Or the Porshe.

_Jasper_ I miss my Corvette.

_Emmett_ My Mustang is in the garage all by itself.

_Jasper_ It's with Edward's T-Bird, though.

_Rosalie_ What happened to the Volvo?

_Edward _SOMEONE drove it off the cliff.

_Jake _You still haven't paid me yet.

_Bella_ I will.

_Jake_ Yeah, you better.

_Esme_ Get on the Bus, Alice

_Alice_ I'm going, I'm going.

_Bella_ Oh my God.

_Edward_ What?

_Nessie_ What is it?

_Alice_ I see old people.

_Jasper_ How many?

_Bella_ About twenty.

_Emmett_ That's it. Goodbye.

_Esme_ Get on the damn bus, Emmett.

_Jasper_ ESME CUSSED!!!

_Emmett_ EVERYBODY ON THE BUS!!! QUACK!!!!!

_Rosalie_ It's quick, Emmett, not Quack.

_Jake_ We get the back!!!

_Everybody sits down. (Typical greyhound bus. Bathroom in the back corner, door and driver in the front, two carpet covered seats on each side of the aisle in about ten rows)_

_(see seating arrangement at the bottom of the page after reading the rest.)_

_Edward_ How the Hell did this happen?

_Jake_ Just sit down.

_Nessie (turns around)_ Oh shit.

_Bella (turning around)_ What—crap.

_Carlisle_ Sit down, Edward.

_Edward_ Do you see who I'm going to have to sit with?

_Esme_ Sit with Jake and like it.

_Edward _Not for two days on the road to Boston.

_Bella_ I'll switch with Jake, Edward.

_Edward_ Thank you, Be---

_Tour guide_ We are now leaving the station. Please, no one get up while the bus is in motion. We will stop again in four hours.

_Edward _Ah, Hell.

_**Sitting arrangements.**_

Back of the Bus

Jasper---Emmett____aisle_____ Edward --- Jake

Rosalie --- Alice ____aisle_____ Bella --- Nessie

Carlisle --- Esme ____aisle_____ old people

More old people ____aisle_____ even more old people

More old people ____aisle_____ even more old people

More old people ____aisle_____ even more old people

More old people ____aisle_____ even more old people

More old people ____aisle_____ even more old people

More old people ____aisle_____ even more old people

More old people ____aisle_____ even more old people

Door driver & tour guide

Front of the Bus


	64. Alice Tryies to Call Bella, Cullen Bus

_**I own nothing.**_

_Ring, ring_

"Green?"

"Not a greeting, Emmett."

"Oh, in that case: Purple?"

"GREEN and PURPLE and YELLOW are not greetings, they are COLORS. You know what colors are?"

"What?"

"ADJECTIVES!!!!! You know what adjectives are?"

"Uhhhhhhhhhh…"

"Adjectives describe nouns."

"You mean like 'quickly'? It describes 'run'."

"NO!!! THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEAN!!!!!"

"But 'quickly' DOES describe 'run', uhhhhhhhhh sometimes."

"But 'run' isn't a noun, it's a… ohhhhhhh, never mind. Just give Bella her phone."

"Shhhhhh, I know run isn't a noun. It's a predicate!!!"

"No, it's not, it's a verb."

_Bella_ Alice, verbs are predicates.

_Alice _Are not.

_Bella _Are too.

_Alice _Are not.

_Bella _Are too.

_Alice _Are not.

_Bella _Are too.

_Alice _Are not.

_Bella _Are too.

_Alice _Are not.

_Bella _Are too.

_Alice_ ARE NOT

_Bella_ ARE TOO

_Alice_ ARE NOT

_Bella_ ARE NOT

_Alice_ ARE TOO

_Bella_ ARE NOT

_Alice_ ARE TOO

_Bella_ So you admit it. I am right.

_Alice_ What? You—what—UGHHHHHHHH!!!!

_Bella_ Mwhahahahahaha!!!!

_Alice_ You are soooooo going down.

_Bella_ So, what are you calling me about?

_Alice_ Oh, I had a vision that you wanted to ask me something.

_Bella_ Oh, yeah. Alice, I need a favor. How much do you love me?

_Alice_ Depends.

_Bella _On what?

_Alice_ How much are you to pay me?

_Bella_ Ummmmmm… I'll give you Nessie.

_Nessie _MOM!!!!

_Jake_ Not yours to sell anymore. Sorry.

_Nessie_ AWWWWWWWWWW!!!

_Alice_ I'll take Edward.

_Bella_ Hell no.

_Edward_ That was quick.

_Alice_ Fine, then, I won't pick up those shoes for you.

_Bella_ Fine, you won't get my sparkly earrings.

_Alice_ You mean THE sparkly earrings.

_Bella_Yes.

_Alice_ Bye.

_Hangs up._

_**Now it's time for DUM DUM DUM the Cullen Bus Trip!!! (started on ch 61, I think)**_

Psch

…

…

…

…

…

Psch

…

…

…

…

Psch

…

…

…

Psch

…

…

Psch

…

Psch

Psch

Psch

PSCH

PSCH

PSCH

…

…

…

_**PSCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**_

_Edward_ OH MY GOD!! WILL YOU SHUT UP!?!?!

_Jake_ PSCH!!!! Psch, psch, psch, psch, psch, psch, PSCH!!! PSCH!!!!!!!!!

_Edward _NESSIE, I'M GOING TO KILL YOUR BOYFRIEND!!!!

_Nessie_ EDWARD, DON'T!!!!

_Tour guide(intercom)_ There will be no killing while the bus is in motion.

_Edward_ Damn.

_Emmett_ The bus has an intercom?

_Rosalie_ Oh, no.

_Alice_ NOT THE INTERCOM!!!!

_Bella_ What is it made out of!?!?!

_Tour Guide_ I don't know.

_Bus Driver_ It's brand new alloy, imported from Japan.

_Tour Guide_ Really?

_Bus Driver_ Yep.

_Jake_ Hehe, Japanese alloy.

_Edward_ Damn you, STOP THINKING!!!!

_Random old lady_ What did you say!?!

_Carlisle_ Boys, stop scaring the nice old people.

_Random old lady_ I am not old.

_Jasper_ The italics before your name say you are.

_Random old lady_ I am eighty-three years YOUNG not OLD.

_Jasper_ Well, excuuuuuuuuuuuse me. I can't help that Rock'n'Slash says your old.

_Random old lady_ Rock'n'Slash, change it to random young lady.

_Rock'n'Slash_ I can't…

_Random old man_ IT'S THE VOICES AGAIN!!!!!!!

_Random old lady_ Change it!!! I have an umbrella!!

_Rock'n'Slash_ NOT THE UMBRELLA!!!!

_Random old man_ GO AWAY!!!

_Random old lady_ Change it!!!

_Rock'n'Slash_ Never!!!

_Random old man_ My psychiatrist says if I try hard enough, you WILL go away!!! Go away, go away, GO AWAY!!!

_Jasper_ JUST CHANGE THE DAMN NAME!!!!

_Bella_ And get out of our story!!!

_Alice_ Yeah, we up with this type of torture for you!!!

_Random old man_ THEY ARE GONE!!!!

_Emmett_ I'm really a genius!!!

_Rosalie_ No, you aren't.

_Rock'n'Slash_ You are no one without me!!!

_Random old man_ NOOOO!!!! IT'S BACK!!!

_Jake_ Without you!?!?! We are no one without Stephenie Meyer!!!

_Nessie_ Who's Stephenie Meyer?

_Everyone_ GASP!!!!

_Edward_ Damn your ignorance!!!

_Esme_ ENOUGH!!!! Just change the name.

_Rock'n'Slash_ Fine. Happy?

_Random YOUNG man_ NO!!! Go away voices!! Hay, I'm young again. I FOUND THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH!!!!!

_Random YOUNG Lady_ Yes.

_Esme_ Now that THAT'S over with, just get out a book and read.

_Edward_ What do you think I've been trying to do? But someone keeps making these PSCH noices.

_Jake_ The random old errrrrrr… young man did it.

_Edward_ Yeah, right. I saw you…

_Random young man_ HAY GEORGE!!! I FOUND THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH!!!

_George_ That's great _(to his wife)_ Don't listen to him. Old Edward always was a crack head.

_Jake_ HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

_Edward_ You're enjoying this, aren't you?

_Jake_ Yes, yes I am.

_**To be conitued…**_


	65. Jake Calls Edward, once again

_**I own nothing.**_

_Ring, ring._

"WHAT!?!?!"

"Okay, I won't call you then. Bye."

_Hangs up._

_Edward holds phone out from his wear and stares at the dial tone._

_Silence._

_Even more Silence._

_Edward_ Oh my God.

_Bella_ What is it, babe?

_Edward_ It worked.

_Bella_ What worked?

_Edward _I yelled into the phone "WHAT!?!?!?!" when I answered Jake from his call and he said 'Okay, I won't call you then. Bye.' Then you know what he did?

_Bella_ What?

_Edward_ He hung up.

_Bella_ You're kidding me?

_Edward_ No, I'm not. He just hung up on me.

_Bella_ Well, that's great.

_Edward_ He just freakin' hung up on me.

_Bella_ Well, yeah.

_Edward_ He just bloody freakin' hung up on me.

_Bella_ Yes, Edward, we've established that.

_Edward_ THAT ASSHOLE JUST BLOODY FREAKIN' HUNG UP ON ME!!!!

_Bella_ Edward, don't yell.

_Beep, bloop, beep._

_Bella_ What are you doing?

_Edward_ Calling him back.

_Bella_ Don't—

_Ring, ring._

_Jake_ Hello?

_Edward_ Did—did you just hang up on me?

_Jake_ I don't know. Did it sound a little something like this?

_Hangs up._

_Silence._

_More Silence._

_Even more silence._

_Edward_ Oh my damn.

_Bella_ It's a miracle

_Edward_ Holy shit.

_Bella_ Pinch me. I must be dreaming.

_Edward_ We don't dream.

_Bella_ Let's wait five minutes just to be sure.

_Edward_ Right.

_Five minutes later._

_Edward_ He hasn't called back yet.

_Bella_ Let's celebrate.

_Edward_ Yes, let's.

_Bella_ _giggles._

_Ring._

…

_Ring._

_Edward _Oh, God, no.

_Bella _Maybe we're hearing things.

_Edward_ Yeah that's it.

_Ring._

_Bella_ We should get that.

_Edward_ Yeah, we should.

_Ring, ring._

…

_RING, RING._

…

_RING, RING!!!!!_

…

_RING, RING!!!! I'M A PHONE AND I'M RINGING!!!! RING, RING!!!! ANSWER ME!!! RING, RING!!!!_

_Edward (hesitantly)_ Hello?

_Jake_ HI, BLOODSUCKER!!!!

_Bella_ Ugh.

_Edward_ I knew it wouldn't be that easy!!

_Jake_ Damn right it won't!!!

_Edward_ Go to hell.

_Hangs up._

_Jake_ HE JUST HUNG UP ON ME!!!!

_**Cullen bus trip!!!! (Started on 62)**_

_**I don't mean to insult someone.**_

_**P.S.**_

.o0O0o.

_**Means 30 minutes.**_

_Jake W_OA!!! You brought your lap top!?!

_Edward_ No, this is a floating screen, Jacob.

_Jake_ REALLY!?!

_Edward_ No.

_Jake_ Woa, is that the idiot test!?!?!

_Edward_ Yes.

_Jake_ Let me try.

_Edward_ Okay.

_Computer_ You have failed.

_Jake_ Let me try again.

_Computer_ You suck.

_Jake_ What?!?!

_Computer_ You're dumber than Brittany Spears' and Jessica Simpson's love child.

_Jake_ What the hell!?! I HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED YET!!!

_Computer_ No wonder your parents called you special.

_Jake_ It was UNIQUE!!

_Computer_ You're so stupid you rode the short bus on Saturdays.

_**IF ANY OF YOU RODE THE SHORT BUS, IT'S OKAY. I DID, TOO.**_

_Jake_ Did not!!!! Only on Sunday!!!

_Computer_ The village called, they want their idiot back.

_Jake_ I MOVED AWAY A LONG TIME AGO AND ME NOT WANT TO GO BACK!!!

_Computer_ I'm blonde, what's you excuse?

_Jake_ That's it. I'm nobody's fool.

_Computer_ I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day.

_Jake _How did it know that?

_Computer_ This has been the idiot test. If you yelled back at me, you have failed.

_Jake_ …

_Edward_ Hay, Jasper, Emmett. According to the test, Jake's an idiot.

_Jasper (sarcastically)_ NO!

.o0O0o.

_Tour director (intercom)_ I am going to pass around the Mic and tell us a little about yourself.

_Alice_ Okay, watch this.

_When it gets to Alice_

_Alice(intercom) _ Hi, I'm Alice. I have been married to Jasper for the past eighty years and I can tell the future.

_Everyone_ GASP!!!

_Random YOUNG lady_ Umbrella, save me!!


	66. Nessie Calls Jacob, again, BUS!

_**I own nothing.**_

_Ring, ring._

"Hello?"

"Jacob?"

"Hello, Nester. Watcha need?"

"Your FRIENDS are at the house."

"And…"

"They are destroying it."

"Don't you think…"

"They are having a pie fight in MY house. Except they are using the bricks we keep in the pile in the back yard. Speaking of which, why do we have a pile of bricks in the back yard? That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard of."

"…"

"Jacob."

"…"

"JACOB!!!!"

"Oh um you wanted me to reply."

"Ya think?"

"So you want me to…"

"Get them out."

"Them meaning…"

"Honey, are you stupid or something?"

"Well you are talking about friends and bricks. Which one is 'them'?"

"Your FRIENDS, Jacob."

"Are doing…"

"Okay, let me lay this all out for you. Your friends are at our house throwing bricks at each other."

"Uh-huh."

"So I want them off of our property."

"You are there. You get them off."

"Excuse me?"

"Well…"

"Jacob, you ARE NOT going to be off well if you don't…"

"Well off? Well OFF? Let's talk about not well off. I live IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER and I…"

"Jacob, I am NOT in the mood for…"

_Jacob_ YES SCORE!!!!

_Emmett_ Stupid Japanese technology.

_Jasper_ You dumby. Even I can beat Dog-boy at Madden '16.

_Nessie_ So you were playing football while you were talking to me?

_Jacob_ Oh… I shouldn't have done that, have I?

_Nessie_…

_Jacob_ I'm sorry, baby.

_Nessie_ What?

_Jacob_ Yes, that was very stupid of me. I won't do it again.

_Nessie_ You really mean it?

_Jacob_ Of course I do.

_Nessie_ So you are coming to get your friends?

_Jacob_ I'll do whatever you ask me.

_Nessie_ Thank you, Jake.

_Jacob_ Your welcome, Nessie.

_Nessie_ So when are you going to be home?

_Jacob_ Just as soon as I finish this football game.

_Hangs up._

_Nessie_ YOU ARE SO SLEEPING ON THE COUCH TONIGHT.

_**Cullen bus trip time!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!**_

_Previously on Cullen bus trip:_

_Tour director (intercom)_ I am going to pass around the Mic and tell us a little about yourself.

_Alice_ Okay, watch this.

_When it gets to Alice_

_Alice(intercom) _ Hi, I'm Alice. I have been married to Jasper for the past eighty years and I can tell the future.

_Everyone_ GASP!!!

_Random YOUNG lady_ Umbrella, save me!!

_In the present…_

_Random YOUNG lady_ Umbrella, save me from the crack-headed teenagers!!!

_Old guy_ Sunflower, do you remember the sixties?

_Sunflower_ Good times, Rainbow, good times.

_Older guy _I hate the modern hippies.

_Jake_ So, wait, you think we do drugs?

_Old people_ Yeah.

_Jasper_ So we can say pretty much whatever we want and you won't believe us?

_Old people_ Pretty much.

_Jake_ SWEET!!!! Give me that!!!

_Alice_ Hay!!!

_Jake_ Let's see… what can I say?

_Edward_ Here we go.

_Jake_ Oh, I know. My father-in-law is Satan.

_Edward_ HA!

_Bella_ Oh my God.

_Jasper_ I agree completely.

_Emmett_ Here, here.

_Nessie_ So, what does that make me? The spawn of Satan?

_Jacob_ Oh… uhhhhhh…

_Jasper_ Give me that, Dumbass. _(intercom)_ Hello, ladies and gentlemen of the bus. I fought for the Confederates during the American Civil War. Emmett here next to me was mauled by a bear in the Great depression. Tell us about that experience, Emmett.

_Emmett_…

_Jasper_ Emmett?

_Emmett_…

_Jasper_ Emm-- Oh my god!!! He's—he's—HE'S READING!!!

_Cullens_ AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

_Jasper_ AND IT'S INFORMATIONAL!!!!!!

_Cullens_ DOUBLE AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

_Emmett_ It's not informational.

_Jasper_ But it says 'Autobiography of Henry VIII'

_Emmett_ And under it, it says 'a novel by Margret George'

_Carlisle_ Now is this before or after Anne Boleyn?

_Emmett_ During.

_Carlisle_ Oh. She was a bitch.

_Cullens _TRIPLE AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_Carlisle_ What? I used to like politics before the Americans ruined it with their 'bureaucracy' and 'universal health care system'

_Esme_ You got him going now, Jasper. Thanks, thanks a lot

_Carlisle_ I'm a doctor, of Pete's sake!!!! I shouldn't be paid like a teacher!!!! I SAVE people, not make them listen to useless information that they will never use in the real world!!!

_Edward_ I second the motion.

_Carlisle_ And thanks to Obama, everybody's grandmother is put on a waiting list for health care treatment!!!!!

_Bella_ I know. Charlie and Billy were put on a waiting list when they hurt themselves jousting with the IV poles on their electric scooters.

_Jake_ It was so sad.

_Carlisle_ So all these people on the bus will one day be put on a waiting list!!!!

_Emmett_ The poor old people won't be able to joust anymore!!!!!

_Jasper_ Well, I've got a solution. (_intercom_) Attention all old people, we are about to turn you all into vampires so you won't be put on a medical waiting list.

_Emmett_ It's okay. You'll only be in searing pain for three days.

_Tour Guide_ Okay, that's enough of the intercom for the crack teenagers.

_Emmett_ We have an intercom?

_Cullens_ NO!!!!

_The microphone moves up to a pair of fifteen-year-old twins._

_Twin #1_ Hi!! I'm Lizzie, and this is Samo.

_Samo_ Howdy. Our grandmother DRUNG us onto the bus trip.

_Lizzie_ IT WAS TERRIBLE!!!!

_Samo_ Anyway, we are obsessed with this series…

_Lizzie_ Called "Twilight"

_Bella & Edward_ Oh dear.

_Samo_ The most devastated I've ever been was when Edward left Bella.

_Lizzie_ IT WAS TERRIBLE!!!

_Bella_ I know how you feel.

_Samo_ The hardest I ever laughed was when I saw an icon that read 'Dear Jacob, I win. XP. Sincerely Edward.'

_Lizzie_ And then it turned to: 'Dear Edward, I'm sleeping with your daughter. IN YOUR FACE!!!!! Your Loving Son-in-law, Jacob.'

_Jacob_ SCORE!!!!!

_Edward_ Wait for it…

_Samo_ Then it said. 'Dear Jacob, I'm happy for you, really. Sincerely, Edward. PS, Can I have my chainsaw back?'

_Edward_ And Edward wins. THE CROWD GOES WILD!!!!

_The microphone leaves the girls hands and is back at the tour guide._

_Tour guide_ So it's movie time!!!! I have gotten nine movie suggestions, seven of which are booted out due the rating. These movies include: "Kill Bill, Volume 1."

_Alice_ NO!!!!

_Tour Guide_ "Kill Bill, Volume 2"

_Bella _Ugh!

_Tour Guide_ "Saving Private Ryan" with Tom Hanks

_Emmett_ That is a great movie!!!!

_Tour Guide_ "Enemy at the Gates," the one with Jude Law in it.

_Rosalie_ Dang it.

_Tour Guide_ BOTH of the Mel Gibson movies, "Braveheart" and "The Patriot".

_Edward_ WHAT!?!?!

_Jake_ WHY!?!?

_Tour Guide_ "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" starring Tim Curry.

_Emmett _No—

_Bella_ Oh thank you God!!!!!

_Esme_ You suggested THAT movie?

_Emmett_ Well, yeah. I thought they would show it.

_Edward_ Emmett, the creepy hotel guy in "Home Alone 2" is in it.

_Nessie_ What's so bad about that?

_Jasper_ Imagine him with fishnets, a black leather leotard, six inch heels, a big curly afro, and he's covered with makeup.

_Nessie_ Oh.

_Edward_ He sings this song that goes 'I'm a sweet Transvestite from Transsexual Transylvania.'

_Nessie_ Ew.

_Alice_ Yeah.

_Bella_ It's very creepy.

_Tour Guide_ So the only movies left are "Gone with the Wind" and "Twilight"

_Lizzie & Samo_ YAY!!!!!!

_Tour Guide_ So we are going to take a vote, "Twilight"

_Only Lizze, Jasper, and Samo raise their hands_

_Tour Guide_ "Gone with the Wind."

_Everyone but Lizzie. Jasper and Samo raise their hands._

_Tour Guide _"Gone with the Wind" it is.

_Jasper_ Just another movie to remind the Southern man of how we lost to the damn Yankees.

_Alice_ Honey, get over it.

_Bella_ We all look terrible in "Twilight" the movie, anyway.

_Rosalie_ Except me. They nailed the bitchy aspect of me.

_Alice_ Yeah, they did.

_**To be continued…**_

_**Please stay tuned for an important announcement by Alice Cullen. **_

_Alice_ Hi, I'm Alice Cullen. If you are AGAINST universal health care in the United States, please contact your local congressman or woman so you can yell at them. You must remember that THEY were elected by US and thus they work for us. Tell them that your Grandma and Grandpa will not be allowed to joust anymore using their electric scooters and IV poles due to the fact they will be put on a waiting list if hurt if the bill passes.

If you are FOR universal health care in the United States, well then be happy that Billy and Charlie aren't jousting anymore. But YOU will have to tell them. Not me, not Bella, not even Jacob, but YOU.

If you aren't a citizen of the United States and thus you don't really care, please enjoy the image of two old men ramming each other with IV poles on electric scooters.

I'm Alice Cullen, and I approved this message.

_This message has been approved by the Republican National Committee. Not Really. Rock'n'Slash isn't even in high school yet. She can't do that. _

_HOWEVER, this message has been approved by the future World Dictator, Rock'n'Slash. _People of earth, I am your leader (Dearth Vador noises)

_People of Earth_ QUADRUPLE AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	67. Jacob Calls Edward, wow, what a surprise

**_I own nothing. YAY!!! Oops- I mean NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!_**

_Ring, ring._

"Hello?"

"Monday's Labor Day!!!!!!!!"

"Yeah, it happens every year."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"So you know what this means? It means—"

"We don't have to go to school on Monday."

"Well, yeah. So you know—"

"Yes, I know but I don't want to know."

"Well, I knew that. I just want to say 'YAY FOR USELESS GOVERNMENT HOLIDAYS!!!!

"It isn't useless. It's there for something."

"And what's that?"

"It's for… ummmm it's for… its there for a very, very important reason… I'm sure… but it's for…"

"So, the all-knowing Edward finally doesn't know something. Alleluia!"

"Great, I'm never going to live this down."

_Nessie_ Jacob!!!! Were are you?!?

_Jacob_ In the kitchen, babe!!! Anyway, Edward doesn't know everything!!!! Wooo-hooooo!!!!!!!!

_Edward_ Yes, I don't know everything.

_Nessie_ Jacob, come here a minute!!!

_Jacob_ Nessie, I'm talking on the phone!!! Give me a sec, alright?!?

_Edward_ Ooo, this is getting good.

_Nessie_ Excuse me!?!

_Jacob_ I can annoy your dad when I want to. Now, let me do it, dammit!!!

_Nessie_ Okay, listen up, dog-boy. I'LL BE DAMMED IF YOU LET ME TALK ME LIKE THAT!!!

_Jacob_ I'LL TALK HOWEVER I WANT TO!!

_Nessie _JACOB BLACK, I SWEAR—

_Jasper_ Are Nessie and dog-boy arguing?

_Edward_ Yeah.

_Emmett_ Put it on speaker.

_Button is pushed._

_Nessie_ LISTEN TO ME!!!!!

_Jacob_ YOU HAVE TO STOP YELLING IF YOU WANT ME TO LISTEN!!!

_Jasper_ They really don't have good comebacks.

_Edward_ They don't, do they?

_Emmett_ Popcorn?

_Edward & Jasper (stares)_

_Edward_ You know that's going to make you sick, right?

_Emmett_ Silly Edward, vampires don't get sick.

_Jasper_ Yeah, if we eat human food, we will

_Emmett_ So you guys don't want any?

_Jasper & Edward_ No.

_Emmett_ Whatever, more for me.

_Jacob_ ARE YOU DONE YELLING YET?!?!

_Nessie_ Yeah. You know I hate yelling.

_Jacob_ Well, we should change that, shouldn't we?

_Nessie_ hmmm

_Edward_ And I have suddenly lost all interest in this conversation.

_Jasper_ Yeah, me too.

_Emmett_ I haven't.

_Jasper_ Fine, you listen to it. We got better things to do.

_Edward_ See ya, Emmett. Don't use up all my minutes.

_Emmett_ Okay.

_Jacob_ So, what did you want, anyway?

_Nessie_ I have to tell you something.

_Jacob_ Okay…

_Nessie_ I'm late.

_Jacob_ For…

_Nessie_ Ummmm…

_Jacob _ …

_Nessie_ I think we should turn the phone off.

_Jacob_ Please be kidding.

_Hangs up._

_Emmett_ HOLY SHIT!!!

_Edward_ What?

_Emmett_ I just realized this stuff will make me sick.

_Edward_ Really?

**_I'm putting Cullen Bus on a different story. This thing is to genius._**


	68. Esme Calls Jacob

_**I own nothing.**_

_**Okay, 'Cullen Bus Trip' has be posted!!!! THANK YOU ALL WHO HAVE REVIEWED SO FAR!!!!!**_

_Ring, ring._

"Hello?"

"Jasper, is Emmett anywhere near you?"

"Yeah."

"Put me on speaker."

_Esme_ WHAT THE HELL IS YALL'S PROBLEM!?!?!

_Jasper_ Esme, you should stop cussing.

_Emmett_ It's really not becoming.

_Esme_ I got a call from your school today.

_Jasper_ Crap

_Esme _Is it true, Emmett, that you ate your math exam as soon as your instructor gave it to you and then asked for another one?

_Emmett_ Well… Rose, what the hell is on your feet?

_Rose_ You like them?

_Emmett_ No.

_Rose_ UH!!!

_Jasper_ They look like converse hired a hooker to design shoes.

_Alice_ HOOKER CONVERSE SHOES!!!!!!!!!

_Bella_ What are hooker converse shoes?

_Edward_ You know, the hot pink converses that are out that come up to mid calf.

_Bella_ I had a pair of converses when I was in 8th grade. They made my feet look like clown shoes.

_Alice_ SHIELD!!!!!!!!!

_Bella_ Wha…

_Alice _DO IT!!!!!!

_Bella_ Okay…

_Alice_ Done?

_Bella_ Yeah.

_Alice_ Okay. _**ARHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! **_Lalalalalalalalalalalalalala… _(Alice goes all skippy)_

_Edward_ What are you hiding?

_Alice(digging through attic)_ Nothing, Eddie _(laughs)_ Ohmygod Ohmygod Ohmygod Ohmygod Ohmygod Ohmygod Ohmygod Ohmygod Ohmygod Ohmygod Ohmygod Ohmygod Ohmygod Ohmygod Ohmygod Ohmygod OHMYGOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

_Edward_ What the… _(turns head)_ Bella?

_Bella_ Don't look at me, I'm clueless.

_Edward_ Then why don't you just unsheild her?

_Bella_ We have a pact. I shield her, if she lets use her samurai sword.

_Edward_ Okay… So, Alice, are you going to tell us what's going on?

_Alice_ Ohmygod Ohmygod Ohmygod Ohmygod Ohmygod Ohmygod Ohmygod Ohmygod Ohmygod!!!!!

_Bella_ ALICE!!!

_Alice_ What?

_Edward_ ARE YOU GOING TO TELL US WHAT THE FREAK IS GOING ON!?!?!

_Alice_ So, wait, neither of you know?

_Bella_ NO!!!!

_Alice _Well, I guess that figures, they just NOW know it…

_Bella & Edward_ KNOW WHAT!?!

_Alice_ You're serious?

_Bella_ YEAH

_Edward_ WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!!!!!!!!

_Alice_ Oh this is too juicy, I can't…

_Bella & Edward_ ALICE!!!!

_Alice_ Fine, I'll tell Bella _(whispers)_

_Bella _8O

_Alice_ I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!

_Edward_ I assume this is not good.

_Bella_ What… are you…

_Alice_ Yes, I'm sure.

_Bella_ But…uh…she…gah…

_Alice_ Well…

_Esme_ What's going on?

_Bella_ She's so… she can't… how the…

_Alice(in an official voice)_ Well, Bella, when a man and a woman love each other very much like your father and I…

_Bella_ That was rhetorical, Alice.

_Edward (grabbing Bella by the shoulders)_ WHO'S PREGNANT!?!?!?

_Alice_ Don't do it, Bella.

_Bella_ Shhhhhhhh… no one is pregnant. What gave you that idea? Silly Edward. Alice?

_Alice_ Yes?

_Bella_ Let's go.

_Alice_ ON WARD!!!! TO DAIRY QUEEN!!!!!

_Bella_ Dairy Queen? But we don't eat ice cream and don't we have something more important to do?

_Alice_ BELLA!!! I'm shocked!!! First, Dairy Queen Oreo Blizzard. THEN we blurt to the entire world that Nessie's pregnant. _Jerks Bella out of the house._

_Slams door._

_Edward_ WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!!

_Hangs up._

_Emmett_ I want an M&M Blizzard from Dairy Queen.

_Jasper_ Yeah, I do … DAMN YOU EMMETT!!! WE DON'T EAT HUMAN FOOD!!!

_Emmett_ Hay, Edward, why are you freaking out?

_Edward_ DID YOU NOT?!?! Uh, never mind. Come on, we're going top dogboy's house.

_**And now, and important message from Alice Cullen.**_

Hi, I'm Alice Cullen. This has absolutely nothing with political views.

I have two important annoucments

On September 11, 2008, Rock'n'Slash got extremely bored in her history class when she heard the Al Qaida lecture for the ten thousandth time. The following phrases popped in her mind. "Go rot in hell, mutt."The the following, "See you there." I had heard these phrases several times by Jacob and Edward. These phrases expanded into the first chapter of Phone Calls. So on September 15, 2009, Phone celebrates it's first birthday. WOO-WOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday was September 11, 2009, the 8th anniversary of the terrorist attack on the twin towers in New York City. I'm sure I'm not the first to remind you of this incident in half my lifetime ago. Please use this a moment of silence.

…

...

…

…

…

…

…

…

OH MY GOD I LOVE THOSE SHOES!!!!

Oh and I found this in Bella's computer. READ IT!!!!

_When you become a parent, no one tells you what it will be like. I mean, you hear the 'oh, it's so hard's and 'it's the greatest thing you will ever do' but you have no idea what you are getting into. No one knows what to do the first time their child walks or the first time that same child wants to change her long golden locks to a short blue due. No one knows how to tell your husband that killing your daughter's boyfriend isn't sociably acceptable in the United States anymore. Whether intentional or not, watching your child grow up is the hardest thing anyone, anything will ever do. That is something EVERY single parent will do._

_I, on the other hand, have been through the weirdest bull shit any human woman has ever seen. But I never said what was human either. Well, I once was human, but then… Never mind. REALLY long story. All I can tell you is that I have been through a lot of weird crap when it comes to my child. These small lists of things will help you, a woman, get through all sorts of junk that never, EVER, should've have happened._

_Please note that I looooooooove my life but if you were in my position, you would hate it._

_List one: How to Avoid Weird Motherhood_

_If the most gorgeous dude in school tells you that he loves you, but is followed by the words 'You smell delicious' that is NOT what he means. You're his equivalent of a chicken sandwich. Trust me, I know._

_The first time his brother tries to eat you, run like hell. Simple as that_

_Don't push him to… uhhhh… you will know what I mean. He WILL eventually give in._

_After he DOES give in, postpone the wedding as long as possible. Make up some lame excuse like 'my dad will kill me.' And refuse a ring, make him think about what you want for awhile. It's kinda fun. _

_Why is there a wedding, you ask? Apparently, after lieing, cheating, stealing, and murdering, he is 'moral'. HA!! (I don't know why I gave that a number, it just needed to be said.)_

_Three words: Demon birth control. I don't care if he is 'dead' and thus can't get you pregnant, he will. I learned this one the hard way._

_List two: How to Survive Demon Pregnancy_

_There is, in theory, only one why to survive a demon pregnancy (with your heart beating). Don't get pregnant. Duh._

_To survive without your heart beating, well… there is not right way to do it. You act on gut. That's all. The real question is:_

_List three: How to get your HUSBAND through Demon Pregnancy_

_To get your husband through a pregnancy, you must remember one fact: All men are wimps. That is why God put women through childbirth and not men._

_This is where all woman say: AMEN SISTA!!!!_

_Be a rock. Be calm and cool and collective even though you are dying. It's not that easy, but it works._

_Pretend the blood you have to drink tastes good, even though it SUCKS. It makes him feel better._

_Already know that you have a shield and how to move it. Make him think that the kid is thinking when it's really you…_

_AT!?!?!?!?!HAT THE HELL!_


	69. Jacob Calls Edward, finally

_**I own nothing**_

_**SORRY IM LATE!!!!! Damn writer's block.**_

_Ring, ring._

"Hello?"

"HI EDWARD!!!!"

"Ow."

"Sorry."

"You are just soooooo… ecstatic these days."

"Well, when you find out that your demon spawn isn't going to kill you wife, unlike SOME PEOPLE…"

"…"

"It makes you feel pretty damn good about yourself. Not to mention that the kid is going to grow like a human until it reaches full wolfy-hood. Yeah, life is good."

"Jacob, I've heard this story."

_In a psychiatrist like voice_ And how does that make you feel?

"Annoyed."

_Again in a psychiatrist like voice_ And why do you think it makes you annoyed?

"You can't take a hint you?"

"What are you going to be for Halloween?"

"A vampire, roar."

"I'm going to be… I don't know what I'm going to be yet."

_Edward_ What about you, Jasper?

_Jasper_ I'm gona steel your old denim jumpsuit and scare little children.

_Emmett_ HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!

_Jacob_ Classic.

_Emmett_ I'm going to go trick-or-treating.

_Jasper_ Trick-or-treating?

_Emmett_ Yep.

_Jasper_ That is so last year.

_Jake_ What about you Carlisle?

_Carlisle_ I'm going as Hugh Hefner.

_Edward, Emmett, Jake, and Jasper_ HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_Jake_ Yeah, right.

_Jasper_ Why Hugh Hefner?

_Alice, Bella, Esme and Rose_ Hi, boys.

_Carlisle_ That's why.

_Edward_ …

_Jasper_ Holy shit.

_Emmett_ Am I dreaming?

_Jasper_ Yes, yes we are.

_Emmett_ THANK YOU GOD!!!

_Edward_ …

_Bella_ Do you like our Halloween costumes?

_Jasper_ Maybe.

_Alice_ Oh, that was a maybe.

_Rosalie_ We should go change.

_Bella_ Yeah, we should…

_Jasper and Emmett_ NO!!!!

_Rosalie_ I don't know…

_Alice_ Playboy bunnies may be a little bit slutty.

_Jasper_ No, you look just fine.

_Jacob_ EWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!! MENTAL IMAGES!!!!!!!!!!!

_Nessie_ Jacob, did you get that Halloween candy?

_Jake_ Yeah.

_Nessie_ We don't any repeats of last year.

_Jake_ HAY!!! Those six-year-olds are evil when they don't get there candy on Halloween.

_Nessie_ Yeah, right. You weren't even here last year!!!!!!!!!!!

_Jake_ I wasn't?

_Nessie_ No, you were in jail, remember?

_Jake_ Oh, right…

_Bella_ Well, we're leaving.

_Alice_ ON WARD TO THE CANDY!!!

_Rosalie_ Trick-or-treat!!!!

_Esme_ Come one, Hughie.

_Carlisle _See you guys later. _(Wrapping his arms around Esme and Alice but with Rose and Bella close at hand)_ Hello, ladies.

_Ladies_ Giggles.

_Emmett_ HAY, WHOA!!!

_Jasper_ That's not right.

_Edward_ I'd like to rent a bunny please.

_Emmett_ YEAH!!!

_Jasper_ I WANT A BUNNY TO!!!!

_Alice_ What do you think we are?

_Bella_ Whores?

_Edward_ No, you're bunnies. _(Grabbing Bella)_ And this is my bunny. Goodbye. Have a nice freakin' day.

_Bella_ I love you, too.

_Edward_ You are NOT wearing that out in public.

_Bella_ Oh, I know. I just was wearing it to help Alice and Rose torture them. It's that comfortable anyway.

_Edward_ Then let's go find a place to take it off.

_Bella_ I agree.

_Hangs up._

_Nessie_ Jake, I want to pumpkin pie.

_Jake_ Okay, and?

_Nessie_ Will you go get me some pumpkin pie?

_Jake _Nessie, it's almost midnight. Where would I get pumpkin pie at this hour?

_Nessie_ Anne's kitchen.

_Jake_ Anne's kitchen? That's two hours away from here.

_Nessie_ Pleasssssssssssssssseeeeeeeee. For me?

_Jake _Butbut…

_Nessie _Pregnancy cravings.

_Jake_ Ugh.

_Nessie_ I blame you.

_Jake_ Well, I hope so. _(turning to her)_ If I also can recall, it wasn't all me either.

_Nessie_ Oh, yes it was.

_Jake_ That was just rude.

_Nessie_ I thought it was hilarious.

_Jake_ Haha.

_Nessie_ I love you.

_Jake_ I love you, too.

_Nessie_ And you know what else I love?

_Jake_ What?

_Nessie_ Pumpkin pie.


	70. Everyone Calls Edward

_**It has come to my attention that Phone Calls doesn't actually evolve phone calls anymore.**_

_**This made me depressed. So, I'm quitting.**_

_**You wish.**_

_**I own nothing.**_

_In the Bella/Edward house because they STILL can't stand them in the Cullen family house…_

_Bella_ Edward, were are you?

_Edward_ In the other room.

_Bella(after finding him)_ Do you like these shoes? It's new.

_Edward (indifferent due to a Clancy novel)_ You always look great, love.

_Bella_ What about these pants?

_Edward_ Great, yeah.

_Bella (frustrated)_ Do you like this shirt?

_Edward(still indifferent)_ Uh-huh.

_Bella_ Well, since you obliviously don't like it. _(takes shirt off and throws it on his novel)_

_Edward_ You have my undivided attention.

_Bella_ What about this? Got it at…

_Edward_ The same place you got your Halloween costume?

_Bella_ Maybe. _(giggles)_

_Ring, ring._

_Edward_ Ugh. Hello?

_Jasper_ Hiya, Edward I was wondering…

_Edward_ Jasper, you are interrupting some of a very large importance.

_Jasper_ God, Edward, in the middle of the day? Have you no decency?

_Hangs up._

_Edward_ Now, were where we?

_Bella_ The part were _(giggles)_

_Edward_ Ah, yes.

_Ring, ring._

_Edward_ Damn phone. What?

_Rosalie_ Rude, little?

_Edward_ Go bother someone else.

_Rosalie_ Okay, let me talk to Bella.

_Edward_ She's preoccupied at the moment.

_Rosalie (sarcastically)_ Thank you for that particular piece of information, Edward.

_Hangs up._

_Edward (clearly frustrated)_ Hello, I didn't notice you there.

_Bella_ Let me ease some of your tension, babe.

_Edward_ Yes ma'm.

_Bella_ _(Giggles)_

_Ring, ring._

_Edward_ You should really stop giggling. The phone rings every time.

_Bella (giggle)_

_Bling, bling._

_Bella_ It blinged that time Mr.-know-it-all.

_Edward_ Oh, so I'm a know-it-all. Okay then, goodbye.

_RING RING._

_Bella_ You're my sexy know-it-all.

_Edward_ Thank you.

_RING RING DAMMIT_

_Bella_ The phone's cussing. You better answer it.

_Edward _ WHAT!?!?!

_Emmett_ Ed—

_Hangs up._

_Emmett _---ward. That was rude.

_Jasper_ He's doing something of a VERY large importance.

_Emmett _…

_Jasper_ Don't say it.

_Emmett_ So when you say large, do you mean…

_Jasper_ SHUT UP. I don't want to hear about Ed-----

_OKAY, to much info, and back to Bella and Edward…_

_Bella_ Oh, that feels…

_Ring, ring._

_Edward_ WHAT THE F---!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

_Bella_ I got it, babe. Hello?

_Alice _Hi, Bella. GUESS WHO IS DATING AN AMERICAN!!!!!

_Bella_ TELLTELLTELLTELLTELL. _(goes into other room while putting shirt on)_

_Edward_ You have got to be kidding me. _(puts clothes back on and begins mumbling)_ Stupid ass phone. I bet it's Japanese alloy, too. Why the hell does it have to ring while—

_Jake bursts through door only to hide behind couch_

_Edward_ Great. Just bloody perfect. What the hell are you doing here?

_Jake_ Well, you see…

_Knock on door._

_Jake_ I'm not here

_KNOCK KNOCK_

_Edward_ What did you do?

_Jake_ Well… it's a really REALLY funny story… but ahhhhh…

_KNOCK KNOCK DAMMIT_

_Jake_ Your door cusses?

_Edward_ So does the phone.

_ANSWER THE DAMN KNOCK KNOCK DOOR OR F---_

_Edward _Hello.

_Nessie_ Have you seen my husband?

_Jake (praying)_

_Edward_ I don't know anyone by the name of 'My Husband." Actually, that would be a really weird name if you think about it.

_Nessie _ DAD!!

_Edward_ Jacob says he's not here.

_Jake _Traitor.

_Nessie_ JACOB YOU DID ---

_In the kitchen_

_Bella_ No way.

_Alice_ I know, seriously.

_Bella_ Well, I've got to go.

_Alice_ Ooooooooooooo. Have fun.

_Bella _Ha.

_Hangs up._

_Bella_ ED---

_Edward_ OKAY TIME TO LEAVE.

_Nessie _Wait—

_Edward_ Yes, Nes, I have a wonderful time visiting with you but EVERY visitor has to leave sooner or later so why not now?

_Jake_ Am I missing something?

_Edward_ Yes, yes, you are.

_Jake_ Do I—

_Edward _Nope.

_Jake _Okay, let's go.

_Slams door._

_Nessie_ Are they…

_Jake_ Yes.

_Nessie _Ew.


	71. Into the Mind of Edward Cullen

_**I own nothing and am not quitting.**_

_Ring, ring._

"Hello?"

"HI."

"I don't want to talk."

"And your point is…"

"Go to hell."

_Hangs up._

_Jake _Well that was short.

_**And now for:**_

_**The Mind of Edward Cullen: Episode I, in the living room.**_

Okay, just stare at the book. They'll just think your reading. Because 'I'm the smart one'. Not really. I just choose to keep my comments to myself. MWHAHAHA. Evil laughter. XP

What is that dog doing? _Hummmmmm… I wonder if Edward is reading my mind now… F*&%^ YOU EDWARD!!!! Not really. DON'T KILL ME!!!!!_ What would happen if I DID kill Jacob. Would Nessie kill me? Well, since I'm already dead, she can't technically kill me. I wonder if Jacob would protect himself.

What color do dogs bleed? Is their blood red like humans, or a different color? I COULD find out really easily, but then I couldn't go inside the house. I bet their blood is green. With purple polka dots. Yeah, that's it. They look like they would have purple polka dots in their blood. The weirdos. Would the purple polka dots be like human's red blood cells, or white blood cells? Or BACTERIA. Yeah. Germs. Cool.

_Ummmm… I want the ham sandwich._ Emmett, seriously?_ Look at all that cold cut goodness. On wheat bread? EW!!! What the hell is her problem?_ No comment there.

I wonder if Rosalie is thinking anything good. _OMG!!!! SHOES!!!!! Yes, Edward, shoes. Don't look at me like that, little mister. I can be very… OOOOOOO shiny. IT MOVES!!!! What is it? Edward!!!! Stop pointing the little laser thingy at the wall. It's not amusing anymore. Must resist power too… HA!!! There it is again!!!! STOP MOVING DAMMIT!! I will catch you, laser light. AHHHH!!!!!_

Okay, that was amusing for a moment. Now, I'm bored again. Jasper, anything to say? _Around, all around, the shadows gather. My dread grows as the Dark One's touch falls against my head. It mutilates me, and darkly my essence drips to the swirling dust. In a frenzy I flee while the Reaper looms over me. Now alone, my soul, falls upon cold eyes. My head sings 'Do not fear' while the stone inside myself slowly devours itself until all that is left is. Black_

So depressed. Must… _ MWHAHAHA I FEEL EVIL!!!!_ Damn you Jasper.

Okay, so now Jasper has made everyone in the room depressed. Awesome. Wait. What would happen if Daisy Duck was on some bachelorette show? It would be down to Daffy and Donald Duck and when Daisy chose Donald, Daffy would accuse her of being raceist. "IT'S BECAUSE I'M BLACK ISN'T IT?" He would say. Haha. Hilarious.

So, I'm a fictional character, right? So, then can I really think? Or are all our thoughts just the thoughts of an author somewhere being bored typing things? HAY!!! What if life is one giant Sims game and some fat nerd in plastic glasses is laughing evilly in his ratty Van Halen t-shirt because he made some guys wife cheat on him. HAY!!!! That nerds, like, Satan. Satan is a nerd in a ratty Van Halen t-shirt who's mother's voice is really scratchy like claws on a window. I bet Satan hates his mother. Mother-hater. Who hate's his mother? Satan- that's who. Burn in hell, Satan. Wait—

Did you know that the Ancient Egyptians had a god of marijuana? Did you know that Ancient Mayan kings and queens had to make blood sacrifices from their… uhh… happy places? Did you know that homosexuality was encouraged in the Spartan army? Did you know it was illegal for woman to show their ankles in some country, but not their breasts? There's your special group of informational trivia for today. This is what Rock'n'Slash learned in her world history class.

I ran out of things to think of. Damn. I like thinking. What do I want to think about? Ummmmmm…

Does everyone see the same colors? Like when I look at red, and you look at red, do you see the same red I see? Does your red look more like blue but we can't tell the difference because your parents taught you that that color is in red and not blue? How will we ever know? Maybe, everyone has the same favorite color, we just think it's different colors because we have told that it is different colors? What if a new color is discovered that isn't even in the color wheel? How will we know if it's a new color?

Why do humans feel the need to get out of the rain? Why do they not want to get wet? Rain doesn't hurt them…

_**You see, you have a few things to ponder now. Tell me if you have an answer to any of them.**_


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